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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
stefanie_m Offline
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Name: Stefanie Michelle
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the past never really goes away.. - February 4th 2012, 01:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It started when I was 4. I would stay with my great-grandmother almost every night because my parents worked 2nd and 3rd shift and I obviously couldn't be alone.
Her son, my grandfather's brother, also lived there. He was/is a drug addicted alcoholic, and has been for most of his life.
He began by getting me to watch movies in his room. Then it turned into more. A lot more. I was 4...he had to have been at least 45.
It was constant, every night, (or every night I stayed over) for the next 5 years. It would happen in the bathroom, (the door didn't lock,) and my great-grandmother was always asleep when it happened. Her room was on the opposite side of the house.
I didn't really come to realization of what happened until everyone began talking about "losing it" to their boyfriends around 7th grade. Then I began cutting, became depressed, and stopped eating.

Not long after, when I was 14, I had my first 'real' boyfriend. He was 2 years older...and abusive. He beat me, all the time, and I was always having to lie about why I was bruised. This didn't help my already pitiful self-worth issues. He would try to have sex with me, but fortunately, I left him before he could actually do anything.
This, however, didn't have any bearing on my NEXT boyfriend, who was verbally AND sexually abusive. He raped me, and it was my first time (what I consider it anyway) after puberty...if you don't count my younger years. I was with him for 2 years, because of fear, self-esteem problems, and (what else?) he was the most popular guy in high school..(captain of the football and baseball teams, and EVERYONE knew who he was.)

I finally got out, and have a boyfriend who has NOT ONCE said one bad thing to me or about me, despite me leaving him twice because of anxiety and worry. He has done nothing but love me, and I feel like I don't deserve him, but I love him all the same. He is my best friend. I thank god for him..because without him, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

I was writing this to get it all out, considering my current bf is the only one who knows (besides the above mentioned people).
I just know I need therapy of some kind...I know I need it. But I'm too scared. I hate myself. I don't know who to turn to...and I need to move on. But I'm at a brick wall that I can't get around or over. Help?
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Re: the past never really goes away.. - February 4th 2012, 01:55 AM

Hi There,

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. I want to make sure that you know that nothing you said above is your fault. You were nine. I know that you are struggling but its sounds like you are in a good relationship I know that a lot of your boyfriends were abusive to you but your current might be different. You DO deserve a nice boyfriend that will not abuse you. I can't imagine what you went through as a child but I think that you should try and trust I am not saying that this will be easy for you but it would help you regain some control over your life because right now your past is controlling you and you can beat this you have strength. I believe in you. Please know that you can always PM here on TeenHelp. I will always talk be here for you

Stay Strong!
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stefanie_m Offline
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Name: Stefanie Michelle
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Re: the past never really goes away.. - February 4th 2012, 12:55 PM

Thank you. It's nice to have somewhere I can actually tell someone, without it being anyone that actually knows me. It helps me move on...and it saves them from having to struggle with it too.
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will was here Offline
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Re: the past never really goes away.. - February 19th 2012, 02:23 AM

there are so many cruel people in this world. I cannot imagine how someone could hurt another person so brutally. But you have to know that there are so many kind people in the world too. People like your boyfriend who do anything for you. and the people that surround you determine your reality, your world. the way you see yourself and how you fit. It sounds like you have had your share of bad surroundings. Hold onto your boyfriend and people like him. their presence will shape your perspective of yourself into what it's supposed to be. Blaine is right when he says the abuse is not your fault. The world is only as dark as it seems. So work to see it different. I would really like to talk to you more about this. If you want you can message me or something. we could talk about what you are specifically struggling with.
Take care....

hello my heart where have you been
I missed you when you left
you ran away with that senseless boy
and left me dim and dry
like a faded flower in the mist

Come back my heart. you have a home here
In this place that is my soul
I want to feel like whole again. don't waste your time with him

Have faith my heart. You'll get a second chance
come back to me and you will not be alone
  Send a message via AIM to will was here  
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