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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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shanadian Offline
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Confused about an old memory - February 4th 2012, 05:20 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Not even really sure how to talk about this. Might be somewhat triggering.

I have a memory from when I was very young. In fact, it's one of my first memories. I thought it was a memory of my dad changing my diaper (I'd rather not go into it, but I was wearing diapers/Pull-ups for a few years longer than the average kid, so it's not unexpected that I should have such a memory).
Last Saturday, I learned something that made me realize that my interpretation of the memory may be wrong. It's possible that my dad was molesting me in some way.

Why I think he was abusing me:
1. I have absolutely no other memories of my dad changing my diaper. He was rarely involved with my upbringing or care even though he lived with us until I was 12.
2. I think it was in my parents' bedroom. My mom never changed me in their bedroom as long as I can remember.
3. I feel like I remember not liking it. Either it was painful or I was scared or something else but I have always recalled it as a bad memory.
4. To put it delicately, he has a history of inappropriate conduct.

Why I think it was probably nothing:
1. Since he rarely took care of me, if there was some instance when he was taking some responsibility, then he might have changed my diaper in their bedroom because he didn't know how my mom usually did it. That wouldn't be unusual.
2. Once again, because he rarely took care of me, maybe he was accidentally hurting me.

(Reading those over, it seems I have a weak argument for his innocence...)

I know basically what I have to do is ask my mom is if my dad ever changed my diaper, to her knowledge. If the answer is yes, then he's probably in the clear.

The problem is when she asks why I'm asking that, and if she says no, what I'm going to say to her. She's already really wary of my dad and she'll flip out if she thinks he actually hurt me.

I am seeing my counselor in a few days, so, final questions for everyone:
1. What do you think of my memory and the facts surrounding it?
2. How can I get info from my mom without alarming her? EDIT: forget this question
3. Is there anything I should tell my counselor, aside from all the stuff above?

Last edited by shanadian; February 4th 2012 at 08:47 PM.
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Re: Confused about an old memory - February 4th 2012, 01:00 PM

I have no idea whether it could be abuse, simply because you are the one with the memory.
I do know, however, that this is exactly how I was when I was sexually abused.
It comes back to me in bits and pieces now, randomly, and it's just certain things that
trigger it or something that makes me remember it...because I was also very, very young. Because of this, I have "blocked out" about 95% of my childhood, so when I do remember things, it hurts a lot more.
You could be dealing with the same thing...only remembering one instance because it's painful, or (who knows?) it could've only happened that one time.
Either way, I would just ask your mom, "Hey Mom, did my dad ever change my diaper as a baby or did you always do it?" That isn't a question that should raise alarm if you word it correctly...it makes you sound more like you were wondering if he ever did it as opposed to him ever HURTING you when he did it. Does that make sense?
And yes, absolutely tell your counselor. They may be able to help you more than anyone else could.
Best of luck!
   
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Re: Confused about an old memory - February 4th 2012, 08:43 PM

Update: I asked my mom about if my dad ever took care of me. She doesn't know why I asked.
She said that he might have, but it's kind of unlikely because by the time I was born, he had been physically abusive towards her and she was afraid for us kids, so she was kind of keeping us separate, or I think that's what she meant.
Basically, I think what I'm afraid of is more likely.
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Re: Confused about an old memory - February 4th 2012, 09:15 PM

Yes, if she said he was physically abusive towards her and she didn't want him around you, I think it's safe to assume SOMETHING happened.
Definitely talk to your counselor, because trying to forget about it will just make it worse in the end, and can leave you more damaged.
I'm sorry this happened to you at a young age, but if you need someone to talk to, just PM me any time. I know what you're dealing with...I've been there.
I hope all goes well for you.
   
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Re: Confused about an old memory - February 5th 2012, 10:26 AM

Thanks. I'm really not sure how to deal with this because I've been sure, my entire life, that nothing like that had ever happened to me. I'm going to be 18 in a few months and if something did happen, I'm bothered that I didn't know about it earlier.
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