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Arcenciel Offline
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Having issues with past abuse...Please reply... - February 20th 2012, 12:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.


When I was little, I was sexually abused...for 11 years. I JUST started acknowledging it...3 months ago? I didn't even remember anything until recently. I was told if I said something, it would feel better...but I told my mom and my therapist...and everything has just gotten worse.

I have nightly panic attacks now that I become inconsolable during...I have no support because my parents don't really understand. I am up until 1 or 2am lately just crying until I'm so exhausted I fall asleep. I've called every crisis line in the city to the point where they know my voice. It's pathetic.
I've had no therapy for months because my therapist had some kind of illness and has been gone since the first week of December...she's apparently coming back in March. I've seen another therapist in the interm, but it's hard because I can't go into much with her because she's not my primary. Only 2 or 3 more weeks until my next appointment...but it's such a long time away...

Also, this is really embarassing, but 2 things happen to me.
A) I get aroused when I talk about it... Not emotionally or mentally..but physically my body prepares itself for sex (I get wet). It's embarassing because what if I am talking to my therapist and I get wet... do I say "hey I gotta go pee" or what? Like..I'm just scared. I hate feeling that way, especially around other people. Is it normal that thinking or talking about the abuse makes me physically aroused? I feel so dirty and gross for my body doing that. It's been making me want to hurt myself "down there" to make it stop.
B) Recently, I've started having panic attacks while masturbating...I've been touching myself since I was like...10 or 11. I've never experienced something like that. I've always loved it...and lately I've been wanting to explore other things. I have a sex toy that I was using the first time I had a panic attack while doing it, and I literally took a pair of scissors and cut it up into little pieces because I was panicking so intensely. I can't believe this is happening to me...I want to enjoy it again! I don't want to be scared to touch myself when I feel turned on. I want to explore my sexuality and my body and be able to do it in peace...

What am I going to be like when I finally am ready for a sexual relationship with a boy!!!!! Am I going to freak out? How am I going to have sex with someone else...a man...if I can't even touch MYSELF without freaking out about it...

Please help...I want to be able to touch myself again...as stupid as that sounds. I don't want this to be taking over my sexuality.
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Re: Having issues with past abuse...Please reply... - February 20th 2012, 03:19 PM

Hey Jen,

First off I'm sorry to hear what happend to you in your past. I hope whoever did it finally got what they deserved so they're not hurting anyone else. As far as your issues with anything sexual, this is quite common for people that have been in situations like you have. You can get through it though. I strongly suggest talking to your therapist about this, they can offer you a lot of help on moving past this. As far as whenever you start a relationship with a boy, make sure it's with someone you know you can trust and that will be very patient with you during those times, again any "freakouts" etc are fairly common when still dealing with the flashbacks of what happend. If whoever the guy ends up being, truely loves and cares for you, they'll understand and be supportive and be willing to wait on certain things if need be.
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Re: Having issues with past abuse...Please reply... - February 20th 2012, 08:44 PM

Hey Jen,

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and that you just started remembering it. That's honestly got to be the worst feeling.
I'm also sorry that you've found that talking about it doesn't help. Sometimes, talking isn't enough and that's okay, for a little while, but it can and does get frustrated.

Although it's often difficult to do so, perhaps you could try writing down your memories. I do this for my own memories. However, I do NOT look at what I've written down, afterwards. I simply store it away until I'm able to go outside with a pile of paper and burn it (I usually take them with me when I go camping). It's VERY therapeutic to me and other people who I've suggested it to. To me, it signifies letting go of the memories, by saying; "This doesn't define who I am. It defines who HE is." I hope you look into this further because it's definitely very helpful.

I also want to point out that I think it's great that you've reached out to the crisis lines. It's okay to call a bunch of times. They are there to help you, not to make you feel pathetic. Are there any support groups in the area where you live? They can provide you with teens around your age that have been through the same, or at least similiar situations. You could even make some really awesome friends that'll be with you through everything and that'll actually understand you.

If your therapist keeps blowing you off like that, and you don't have a reason, then perhaps it's time to get acquainted with another therapist? Maybe there's someone else who could guarantee that they won't leave for long periods of time like that. If you're having panic attacks like that every night, something needs to change. You deserve to have nights free of panic and hopefully, they will stop soon.

I'll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. However, keep in mind that I'm no professional and these are just my own views and/or opinions.

A) I'm not sure WHY your body prepares for sex when you think or talk about your bad experiences. The only reason I can think of is that your body thinks it's about to have a sexual experience or sexual intercourse, so it prepares. It doesn't mean you're dirty or gross. Also, don't hurt yourself because of this. It's not worth it and you don't want to cause damage to yourself down there. Even though it may seem okay to do that, don't. Hurting yourself down there may cause permanent damage. There's nothing wrong with you. It means you're a human being with sexual desires. Although it's not the best time to get aroused, it's completely normal. However if it does bother you, like I think it does, I suggest you bring it up with your therapist when she's available. I know it may be embarassing, but she will be able to give you a more informed answer as to why this is happening.

B) I think with any sexual experience, after a bad sexual experience; you'll feel panicked. Since you just remembered the experience, it's normal that you're feeling panicked now instead of it starting years ago (i.e. I can't masturbate because I feel panicked because I was molested). So what you're feeling is normal. It takes so much time to get used to having sexual experiences. However, someday you WILL be able to masturbate without feeling panicked. Keep practicing, it'll get better. In fact, you will be able to lead a successful sexual relationship with another man. Like I said, it takes time and effort but someday it'll be okay. Someday, you'll feel happy with your sexuality and your experiences.

I've written a lot so I'm hoping that what I've said helps you. If you need someone to talk to about this, please feel free to PM me. I'll be more than happy to help you further if you need it.

Take care,
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