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JuliaBell Offline
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My Confession. I'm so confused. - February 23rd 2012, 04:05 AM

Well. First of all... hello! Generally, I am cheery. But this one memory keeps coming back to me. It made me so distressed the other day that I just wanted someone to talk to - but I couldn't tell anybody in my family.

This hurts to talk about. I feel weird. I just honestly feel so confused. I don't even know what to call this. What happened? Right now I just kind of feel numb so I'm just going to type it out. It was around two years ago. I still hate thinking about it.

I was sitting next to my brother in his room. I was talking with him or something. He was on his laptop. He stuck his hand down my shirt and touched me. And I hardly remember the first thing that popped into my mind. I froze. I think the first thing that I thought was something about I had to prove myself. I don't know why. Is that normal? It didn't occur to me that what he did wasn't very... right. He did it again to me when I was in his room the next day. Honestly, I don't know what I even thought. I'm having a hard time remembering. Because I didn't want to remember after it all happened.

But then, one time later when I was sitting in his room, playing his DS (he was teaching me how to play a game) he stuck his hand up my nightgown I was wearing. Down my underwear. And I didn't like it. I didn't say anything, I was too frozen. I tried moving his hand away. He wouldn't stop, though. And I felt sick. I didn't say anything. I acted like nothing was happening. I put down the DS, said I was tired, and went to my room.

I couldn't even cry. I just felt so disgusting. I still feel so disgusting. The worst part? Some twisted side of me LIKED what he did. When he first started touching me, why didn't I do anything? Did I know what he was doing? I don't know. Am I lying to myself when I say I didn't realize? Maybe I did. And that makes me feel awful. But when he touched me down there ... I did realize... but I still feel gross. I feel guilty. Ashamed. Stupid. Small. Could I help any of it? I still feel guilty. And scared.

This is nothing compared to what other girls go through. Maybe I'm just weak. But this freaked me out. The weird thing is, I love my brother, live with a great family. I'd forgive him no matter what he did. After that happened, we acted like nothing ever happened between us. I can forgive him. But I still remember, and I still feel confused. I don't know what to make of it. This is my first time telling someone this. Help?
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Re: My Confession. I'm so confused. - February 23rd 2012, 01:21 PM

Hey there Julia, welcome to TeenHelp. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, it is not your fault in any way, shape or form. What he did was wrong and considered sexual assault. It's normal to feel confused and numb. It can take a minute or so for the shock of what happened to wear off for you to realize what's going on. What he did was wrong, and the way you feel is normal, but I promise you none of it is your fault. As for liking it, that's normal, and it's not something you can control. Our bodies naturally like the feeling of being sexually touched, it's a natural thing, we can't control it. Our bodies don't realize when it's not wanted or unexpected though, which can lead to confusion. It's normal, you're not weird or anything like that. As for freezing, for some people it's our natural reaction, instead of a fight or flight response some people freeze, and it's not your fault that that's what happens. If he does or tries to touch you in an inappropriate way again, just try to remember to say no, if you freeze, try to get yourself to move, and I know that may sound hard, but you should try to, if you can't though, don't feel bad. Just remember it's your body and if you don't like the way anyone is touching you, say no. If they don't stop, even if it's your brother, you really should tell someone. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
JuliaBell Offline
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Re: My Confession. I'm so confused. - February 24th 2012, 04:16 AM

Thank you so much. I feel like I just needed somebody to tell me that. For whatever reason I just felt like something was telling me it's your fault, it's your fault when I guess it wasn't (even though as I say this, guilt still tries to flare up). He hasn't tried touching me again after that. The thing that bothers me also is what could be going through his mind when he remembers what happened and then looks at me. How does he see me? Still, the worst feelings were guilt and shame (I still feel kind of guilty, but I guess that's normal). Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
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lauri Offline
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Re: My Confession. I'm so confused. - February 24th 2012, 11:10 PM

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Silvia Offline
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Re: My Confession. I'm so confused. - February 25th 2012, 12:21 PM

Hi Julia,

Cheye is right. Believe me, it is completely normal to feel paralized in a situation like that, specially if the one who does this is someone you love and of course someone you don't expect at all. The fact that ou couldn't react doesn't mean you have something twisted on your mind, you were not prepared for that and didn't know what to do.

There is a kind of self defense mechanism in our mind that tends to hide from us situations we are not ready to cope with and because it is something hard to process you feel numb and sometimes see the situation as blurred or so.

Anyway it is not your faul, it's obviously his, you are just the victim. How old is he? Because if he is just around your age maybe he was curious and wanted to explore sexual stuff... But whatever the reason, you did great to spit it at least here and start letting it out because it is for the best.

When you are ready, maybe it would be advisable to tell someone else, like a friend or even your parents, as Lauri says...

Anything u need, don't hesitate to tell us
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