Getting back together with an ex

[Justin Bieber]

Hi lovelies <3

I've debated getting back with my ex for a long time. I nearly have on a few occasions. I have a very intense love for him... the feeling of not being able to live without him... I need him <3 I love him.

But logically, I can only imagine what being with him would mean... unwanted sexual actions... over and over and over. I would be raped. I would be bruised and damaged.

I know how bad it would be physically... but at the same time.. I am having a hard time caring. I feel way more depressed without him. He's my life... and I love him. I know it would be hard to go back to abuse.. but it seems like it might be better than this.

I can't really handle this feeling of being unwanted and alone... 24/7.

I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts? Help?

[Maloo]

Concentrate on the part of you that knows it's wrong. This is one of those times that you have to listen to your mind, not yoir heart. Stay strong, you can do it. <3

[Stargazed.]

Hi beautiful,

I think getting back together with him would be a mistake. Not only would you be putting yourself in physical danger, you'd be risking your sanity too. It's not healthy to be in a relationship like that. You deserve to be happy and loved. There are other men out there who won't rape you or hurt you the way he does to you. You need to be patient because it's not going to happen over night or in a week, love comes at it's own pace. Don't settle for his abuse. You're better than that. Focus on that rather than the love you feel for him.

I'm here if you need to talk. I've been in your position before so I'll be more than willing to share/ help further. Don't hesitate to Pm me.

Take care,
~Brittany

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Maloo

Concentrate on the part of you that knows it's wrong. This is one of those times that you have to listen to your mind, not yoir heart. Stay strong, you can do it. <3

Thanks for the response. I am starting to think this might actually be the right decision... I've spent years away from him... if I were to get over him, I would have by now.... ya know?

Originally Posted by Le bonheur*

Hi beautiful,

I think getting back together with him would be a mistake. Not only would you be putting yourself in physical danger, you'd be risking your sanity too. It's not healthy to be in a relationship like that. You deserve to be happy and loved. There are other men out there who won't rape you or hurt you the way he does to you. You need to be patient because it's not going to happen over night or in a week, love comes at it's own pace. Don't settle for his abuse. You're better than that. Focus on that rather than the love you feel for him.

I'm here if you need to talk. I've been in your position before so I'll be more than willing to share/ help further. Don't hesitate to Pm me.

Take care,
~Brittany

Thanks for the support-- I'm sorry you've been in a similar situation.. I know how hard it is =\ I know it's not a healthy decision, but it seems like the only choice I have right now. I need something to change.. and this seems to have the most promise. But at the same time... I dont know if I could handle the abuse all over... I just I don't know.

It looks like I might need to settle for abuse though. Being alone is just... horrible. And driving me crazy....

Thanks <3

[Stargazed.]

You don't need to settle for abuse. You can find someone else who treats you better. I know being alone is hard, but that's why we are here. It's okay to want someone romantically, but sometimes; friends are better. <3

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Le bonheur*

You don't need to settle for abuse. You can find someone else who treats you better. I know being alone is hard, but that's why we are here. It's okay to want someone romantically, but sometimes; friends are better. <3

No one will treat me better. I've been without him for the last 5 years... none of my other boyfriends have even come close to the type of intimacy and love we had. One of my other boyfriends... assaulted me as well... It seems like this is my destiny =\ Fuck. Sorry. Thanks for the help. I just... I just love him.

[Stargazed.]

It's not your destiny, It's sick guys hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Ultimately, this is your decision. as much as i wish i could, I can't make your mind up or change it. All I can do is be here for you if you let me.

Can I ask you if he has made any effort to change in the last five years?

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Le bonheur*

It's not your destiny, It's sick guys hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Ultimately, this is your decision. as much as i wish i could, I can't make your mind up or change it. All I can do is be here for you if you let me.

Can I ask you if he has made any effort to change in the last five years?

I've not really talked to him (more than a quick hello, if that) in the last like 4 years. But he is a close friend of my sisters.... and she really likes him. I mean, I have this feeling that he still loves me just as much as I love him. And maybe with maturation (he was 16 then, now he's 22), maybe he will be amazing <3

Deep down.... I worry.... a lot...

[Stargazed.]

Perhaps you should listen to that worry. Or you can give it another shot. If you genuinely think he could've changed. I'd never suggest you go back to abuse. People may change though, you should be 110% sure.

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Le bonheur*

Perhaps you should listen to that worry. Or you can give it another shot. If you genuinely think he could've changed. I'd never suggest you go back to abuse. People may change though, you should be 110% sure.

I don't know what the hell to do.... it's all so fucking confusing.

[Stargazed.]

Make a pros and cons list. Really think about whether you really want to do it or not.
You seem like you're not quite sure so I wouldn't jump into anything

[Maloo]

Honestly, I wouldn't think that he's changed. And anyone who would treat you like that is a horrible person.

[katpanda]

I have just recently been in this postion, I am telling you, do not go back.

[Dr.Bobby]

I suppose you're posting this in the Rape and Abuse section b/c that's the nature of the relationship? You're actually considering going back with him and exposing yourself to that again? Why?

You say you love him? What exactly is it you love?

You say you miss him? What exactly is it you miss?

People who stay in..or *mercy me!*..get back into a known abusive relationship often have issues with reality testing, they don't accept the obvious, their longings are irrational. And although there's a lot there to talk about with self esteem and self worth, or where your acceptance..and in your case, actual yearning for..abuse comes from, the simple reality is that what you're after here isn't good for you and you should fight like the dickens to keep those urges under control, at least until you can get them safely in your therapist's office, where you can safely explore them...and hopefully get a more realistic perspective on what it is you're really craving here, and why you've confused that which is toxic for it.

And as an FYI, people can change, but as you know, it takes a lot of heard work, and when it involves something like torturing another person...which is what abuse is...it cannot be successfully changed without a really good therapist...and over a lengthy period, too. So unless he's done this work, it's pure fantasy to think that he's anything but what he was...and his treatment of you would be different.

Sometimes it's better to be alone, and this sounds like one of those times. Work on ways of tolerating the emptiness, it's a far better thing than kidding yourself that being with him is better.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Amy, what you feel for him is not love. Loving someone requires trust, respect, compassion - things that you could never have in a relationship with someone who is abusive. You might feel like you need him, but that is not the same as love, and it's not true either.

I don't believe for a second that you are more depressed because you are without him. You are struggling with feelings of depression and feeling unwanted, but it is not because you aren't with him. Are you currently seeing a therapist/counsellor? If you aren't, I would seriously recommend that you start. Going back to an abusive partner is not going to make those feelings go away; you need a healthy way of dealing with this.

And I can tell you now that he will not have changed. Being capable of sexually abusing someone is not something that he will have just grown out of. What he did to you was not about him being immature. It's a serious issue that he would have needed a lot of help to deal with. And I just highly doubt that he would have sought that kind of help out himself.

I've been where you are. Abusive partners are experts at sucking you back into a relationship by pretending that things will be different this time. They never are. It just becomes even harder to leave again. You don't have to go back to that again. You've been out of the relationship for years now, and you don't have to go back.

I can promise that at some stage, you are going to find someone who treats you properly and makes you happy for all the right reasons. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but it is absolutely true. Look at me - I spent three years trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and even longer after that trying to move on. I still struggle sometimes. But I found someone who loves me and treats me right, and we're getting married in July. I didn't think that would happen. But it has, and there is no reason why it won't happen with you either. But you need to stay away from your ex. Nothing good ever comes from going back to an abusive partner.

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by katpanda

I have just recently been in this postion, I am telling you, do not go back.

I'm really sorry you've been through something this horrible I really hope you're alright and everything.

Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby

I suppose you're posting this in the Rape and Abuse section b/c that's the nature of the relationship? You're actually considering going back with him and exposing yourself to that again? Why?

You say you love him? What exactly is it you love?

You say you miss him? What exactly is it you miss?

People who stay in..or *mercy me!*..get back into a known abusive relationship often have issues with reality testing, they don't accept the obvious, their longings are irrational. And although there's a lot there to talk about with self esteem and self worth, or where your acceptance..and in your case, actual yearning for..abuse comes from, the simple reality is that what you're after here isn't good for you and you should fight like the dickens to keep those urges under control, at least until you can get them safely in your therapist's office, where you can safely explore them...and hopefully get a more realistic perspective on what it is you're really craving here, and why you've confused that which is toxic for it.

And as an FYI, people can change, but as you know, it takes a lot of heard work, and when it involves something like torturing another person...which is what abuse is...it cannot be successfully changed without a really good therapist...and over a lengthy period, too. So unless he's done this work, it's pure fantasy to think that he's anything but what he was...and his treatment of you would be different.

Sometimes it's better to be alone, and this sounds like one of those times. Work on ways of tolerating the emptiness, it's a far better thing than kidding yourself that being with him is better.

It was an abusive relationship-- sexually (and when I wasn't compliant, physically). But I guess it was also pretty emotionally abusive as well. Despite all of that, he listened to me when no one else did... and loved me no matter what. That's something really lovely... something kind and considerate, not cold-hearted at all. And I love him for that.

I sometimes miss being controlled, with no choices. It sounds weird... but it was security. It was something I could rely on... I miss that too.

He's unaware of anything he did "wrong" so I doubt he's in therapy..... I don't really mind if he hasn't changed though. I'm not going back to therapy.... =\ I've been recently considering it... but =\

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

Amy, what you feel for him is not love. Loving someone requires trust, respect, compassion - things that you could never have in a relationship with someone who is abusive. You might feel like you need him, but that is not the same as love, and it's not true either.

I don't believe for a second that you are more depressed because you are without him. You are struggling with feelings of depression and feeling unwanted, but it is not because you aren't with him. Are you currently seeing a therapist/counsellor? If you aren't, I would seriously recommend that you start. Going back to an abusive partner is not going to make those feelings go away; you need a healthy way of dealing with this.

And I can tell you now that he will not have changed. Being capable of sexually abusing someone is not something that he will have just grown out of. What he did to you was not about him being immature. It's a serious issue that he would have needed a lot of help to deal with. And I just highly doubt that he would have sought that kind of help out himself.

I've been where you are. Abusive partners are experts at sucking you back into a relationship by pretending that things will be different this time. They never are. It just becomes even harder to leave again. You don't have to go back to that again. You've been out of the relationship for years now, and you don't have to go back.

I can promise that at some stage, you are going to find someone who treats you properly and makes you happy for all the right reasons. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but it is absolutely true. Look at me - I spent three years trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and even longer after that trying to move on. I still struggle sometimes. But I found someone who loves me and treats me right, and we're getting married in July. I didn't think that would happen. But it has, and there is no reason why it won't happen with you either. But you need to stay away from your ex. Nothing good ever comes from going back to an abusive partner.

I really do think I love him. He respects me, I respect him. I trust him to do the same shit as always.... and he was extremely compassionate towards me... just abusive at the same time? I loved and hated/feared him at the same time. But this isn't any better... I don't see a therapist or counselor right now.

I'm sorry you've had to struggle through an abusive relationship yourself-- it sounds like you are an incredibly strong person (although I knew that ).... but seriously. Good for you! And congratulations on the wedding Unfortunately, he's actually not trying to lure me back.... I am kinda going back willingly/ begging him to take me back.

I don't know. Thanks for the advice/support. I'm trying.

[Dr.Bobby]

Amy, I'm glad you're able to see that missing the control and the abuse is "Weird". You know what you do with "Weird" things?------> go on, think of some other weird things. That's right, you avoid them.

It's illogical (your word: "Weird") to want something that on some level you recognize as toxic. It's not love, Amy..he didn't listen, no one who abuses or rapes another human can ever be called 'loving' or 'listening', it's not.

My guess is that you're lonely. Don't confuse loneliness with actual loss. The two are different, it's way better to be alone that to be in a relationship where you are tormented. Don't justify going back. It cannot be justified. Fight the urge.

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby

Amy, I'm glad you're able to see that missing the control and the abuse is "Weird". You know what you do with "Weird" things?------> go on, think of some other weird things. That's right, you avoid them.

It's illogical (your word: "Weird") to want something that on some level you recognize as toxic. It's not love, Amy..he didn't listen, no one who abuses or rapes another human can ever be called 'loving' or 'listening', it's not.

My guess is that you're lonely. Don't confuse loneliness with actual loss. The two are different, it's way better to be alone that to be in a relationship where you are tormented. Don't justify going back. It cannot be justified. Fight the urge.

Just cause it's weird doesn't mean it's wrong though. I just feel like this decision is something that needs to be thought about... and I've thought for many months now. (Although I broke up with him 5 years ago).

I don't see how loving and listening and abuse are mutually exclusive. Can't someone love you and rape you? Maybe I am just.. seeing things differently? I don't know. He told me he loved me.


I am a bit lonely. Actually.... extremely lonely. Nothing seems to really reach me. No one seems to be able to find me in all this. But he can. I know he can. I feel like that's better, even with the abuse, than this. He is a loss... I lost him.

I feel like it's more complicated than just flat out saying "YOU CANT GO BACK" but at the same time, I'm not sure I trust my decisions and rationale. Fuck.

[Dr.Bobby]

Originally Posted by Justin Bieber

Just cause it's weird doesn't mean it's wrong though.







Yes, it does! The issue isn't the "weirdness', that's your reaction. The issue, the part that makes it absolutely wrong is the abuse and the rape.










I just feel like this decision is something that needs to be thought about... and I've thought for many months now. (Although I broke up with him 5 years ago).











No it doesn't need any thought at all! It needs self control and awareness! You never think about intentionally placing yourself in harms way.









I don't see how loving and listening and abuse are mutually exclusive. Can't someone love you and rape you? Maybe I am just.. seeing things differently? I don't know. He told me he loved me.







And there are some who still believe the earth is flat. Saying something doesn't make it true. His actions are most assuredly not loving. Not seeing how loving and listening and abuse are mutually exclusive is why you'd do well to get back into therapy. You need to see how this is true, and also understand why you presently cannot.








I am a bit lonely. Actually.... extremely lonely. Nothing seems to really reach me. No one seems to be able to find me in all this. But he can. I know he can. I feel like that's better, even with the abuse, than this. He is a loss... I lost him.








Yes, I know. But it's better to be alone than to be in an abusive relationship.












I feel like it's more complicated than just flat out saying "YOU CANT GO BACK" but at the same time, I'm not sure I trust my decisions and rationale. Fuck.

Saying YOU CAN'T GO BACK is the easy part. Showing the self control is the hard part. The mere fact that we're talking about this indicates that you cannot trust your own decisions and rationale, that's b/c your judgment is impaired. But, everyone in this thread is saying the same thing. Trust us.

[Justin Bieber]

Everyone I've trusted has somehow hurt me in the end. So, no, I don't trust you. I am looking for logic... and reason... and something concrete to trust. His actions are concrete. A promise of a better tomorrow.. is not.

Is it really a matter of self control? I feel like that isn't even a factor.


Also.... therapy does not work for everyone.... especially someone who doesn't want to go..

[Coexist.]

Amy, in my opinion, I do not think you should get back together with him. I think it's a bad idea. It is your decision, but I don't think people change. I think what he did to you is unforgivable, and whether or not you are lonely, you will find somebody who treats you right when the time is right. However, it is your decision, and I will respect whatever you decide.

[CognitiveEntropy]

Amy, you know my feelings on this. And by now I hope you know that I give more than a fuck about you. However. The things people have been saying are never going to hold any water until you let them. If you've made up your mind that you can't be happy without him, you won't. If you're sure that there's no other way to be loved than to be abused, then you won't let yourself feel love. It's a sad thing, but it's up to you, and right now, I think you're making the wrong choices. I know FIRST HAND that it is NOT easy at all. But you have to decide that your life is yours, not his.

A few things I may not have said to you already:
Why do you think you feel the depression/dark thoughts/hurt you do now? You know it's because of the abuse and the rape (although I think there may be other factors, none of which are your fault... and you're so right, it's not fair). Either way, you acknowledge the misery and the suffering he has caused you. Do you really want to go back for round two? So it can hurt even more?

If the answer to the above question is yes, then I think this is a way of psychologically "self harming," so to speak. I posted a thread about this at one point. I'd say most of us can agree that SH is not healthy and not safe for anyone to do. So why should you and I be able to hurt ourselves internally? It's a matter of wanting to be happy, and allowing true happiness. "Faking it til you make it" isn't what I'm talking about this time... It's deciding that you're gonna let things go, that you're gonna learn to love, that you want to heal your soul, that you want to get better.

I love you, Amy, and I'm here for you, and you know that. I know I'm just another person in a sea of many who has upset you and tells you what you don't want to hear; but I respect you and what you have to say about my life and I hope you share the same respect. You are so special to so many people, and I think that love that they feel for you never reaches you because of the guard you put on your mind and your heart. You gotta have faith, kid. You have to let people help you, and not push them away when they do.

Stay strong, stay beautiful, butterfly. <3

Originally Posted by Justin Bieber

It was an abusive relationship-- sexually (and when I was compliant, physically). But I guess it was also pretty emotionally abusive as well. Despite all of that, he listened to me when no one else did... and loved me no matter what. That's something really lovely... something kind and considerate, not cold-hearted at all. And I love him for that.

Others listen to you now, though, but no one is heard because you're hearing selectively. I think people have loved you no matter what, kindly, considerately, and with the purest of intentions-- but again, you can't see that because you don't want to believe that someone cares for you because that means getting close to them and letting him go. And you're unwilling to do that.

Now. As I typed the words above, I had written out "You've never given anyone else a chance" but I realized that it's not true, and you have. You've given others a chance and they've done the SAME EXACT THING to you that he did. And it's not okay, and those people should be punished, as well. BUT. The first step to finding someone that loves you unconditionally, that will keep you happy and not hurt you and be considerate of your feelings-- is to let him go, no matter how bad it hurts. Stop defending him, stop allowing him to control your life, stop making excuses to go back to him. You left him five years ago, you can leave him again. You. Are. Strong. Enough.

Originally Posted by Justin Bieber

I really do think I love him. He respects me, I respect him. I trust him to do the same shit as always.... and he was extremely compassionate towards me... just abusive at the same time? I loved and hated/feared him at the same time.

Abuse is the absolute 180 degree opposite of respect. Compassion doesn't lead someone to repeatedly rape someone, not to mention someone so young... Where's the logic in that, Am? <3

Originally Posted by Justin Bieber

I don't know. Thanks for the advice/support. I'm trying.

And you're amazing. I'm seriously proud of you. Thank you for being willing. This is a great start <3

[Justin Bieber]

Originally Posted by Revolution

Amy, in my opinion, I do not think you should get back together with him. I think it's a bad idea. It is your decision, but I don't think people change. I think what he did to you is unforgivable, and whether or not you are lonely, you will find somebody who treats you right when the time is right. However, it is your decision, and I will respect whatever you decide.

Thanks for the advice. As much as I want to believe I can find someone else, I'm not too sure I can =\ Thanks for the support though. It means a lot <3

Originally Posted by Ryan.

Amy, you know my feelings on this. And by now I hope you know that I give more than a fuck about you. However. The things people have been saying are never going to hold any water until you let them. If you've made up your mind that you can't be happy without him, you won't. If you're sure that there's no other way to be loved than to be abused, then you won't let yourself feel love. It's a sad thing, but it's up to you, and right now, I think you're making the wrong choices. I know FIRST HAND that it is NOT easy at all. But you have to decide that your life is yours, not his.


A few things I may not have said to you already:
Why do you think you feel the depression/dark thoughts/hurt you do now? You know it's because of the abuse and the rape (although I think there may be other factors, none of which are your fault... and you're so right, it's not fair). Either way, you acknowledge the misery and the suffering he has caused you. Do you really want to go back for round two? So it can hurt even more?

If the answer to the above question is yes, then I think this is a way of psychologically "self harming," so to speak. I posted a thread about this at one point. I'd say most of us can agree that SH is not healthy and not safe for anyone to do. So why should you and I be able to hurt ourselves internally? It's a matter of wanting to be happy, and allowing true happiness. "Faking it til you make it" isn't what I'm talking about this time... It's deciding that you're gonna let things go, that you're gonna learn to love, that you want to heal your soul, that you want to get better.

I love you, Amy, and I'm here for you, and you know that. I know I'm just another person in a sea of many who has upset you and tells you what you don't want to hear; but I respect you and what you have to say about my life and I hope you share the same respect. You are so special to so many people, and I think that love that they feel for you never reaches you because of the guard you put on your mind and your heart. You gotta have faith, kid. You have to let people help you, and not push them away when they do.

Stay strong, stay beautiful, butterfly. <3


Others listen to you now, though, but no one is heard because you're hearing selectively. I think people have loved you no matter what, kindly, considerately, and with the purest of intentions-- but again, you can't see that because you don't want to believe that someone cares for you because that means getting close to them and letting him go. And you're unwilling to do that.


Now. As I typed the words above, I had written out "You've never given anyone else a chance" but I realized that it's not true, and you have. You've given others a chance and they've done the SAME EXACT THING to you that he did. And it's not okay, and those people should be punished, as well. BUT. The first step to finding someone that loves you unconditionally, that will keep you happy and not hurt you and be considerate of your feelings-- is to let him go, no matter how bad it hurts. Stop defending him, stop allowing him to control your life, stop making excuses to go back to him. You left him five years ago, you can leave him again. You. Are. Strong. Enough.



Abuse is the absolute 180 degree opposite of respect. Compassion doesn't lead someone to repeatedly rape someone, not to mention someone so young... Where's the logic in that, Am? <3



And you're amazing. I'm seriously proud of you. Thank you for being willing. This is a great start <3

Ryan.
It's hard to give weight to what people say, when I've been lied to and deceived and hurt so many times. Perhaps you see them as the "wrong choices," but maybe they are just the choices I need to make in order to survive? It's hard to feel like this is my life, when he changed it so much...

I know my depression and whatever has really been caused by him, but I think I was fundamentally flawed to begin with. I was already struggling with eating/self image... clearly I was already fucked in the head. He didn't mean to make me depressed. He definitely didn't want that. So, how can I really blame him for that?

Do I want to go back and be abused? Not all the time...
Is it the only choice I have? Basically...

I can't let him go... I don't even know how... He means so much in my life...

I don't feel like others listen. I don't feel like other people care. I don't feel like anyone knows now strong of a connection I have with him. Just thinking about "forgetting him" sends me into a panic attack. I can't not defend him... who else will defend him? I am the only thing he has who will fight for him.... in terms of this. I wish I never talked to him =\

You're right though.... I'm really afraid of people getting close =\ I'm not sure what to do with that. Or how to fix that. Or

I feel like my logic is just so flawed in everything. I don't even know how to fix it since it really does make sense to me.

I was able to do a lot today though, which I haven't been able to do for weeks now. It's nice to have a life of my own, even if it's only for a couple hours.

Every step I take into what's considered "healing" or "recovery" I feel like I am losing all sense of reality. I feel like my world is being taken away. I feel like I have nothing to rely on... He was ALWAYS there for me. ALWAYS. That was love.

I'm not sure if you understood that. But, thanks for the support Ryan-- it means a lot.. <3
__________________________________________________ __________________


If anyone is reading.... how common is it for people to go back to abusive relationships, even after so much time as passed?

[Justin Bieber]

I've made my decision. Sorry to disappoint everyone.

This thread can be closed.

[Stargazed.]

Closed at the request of the OP.

And for the record, you didn't disappoint anyone. Were all behind you 100%. <3