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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
sasaboo Offline
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Angry I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 14th 2012, 05:49 AM

I'm having such a hard time... I'm normally a pretty forgiving person but ever since I got out of an abusive relationship with my ex fiance, I can't seem to get over my anger--at him, anyway. I seem relatively calm but I'm boiling on the inside. I don't think I've ever been this angry at anyone before.

I think part of the problem is that, the night when I broke up with him, I sent him a long letter through email explaining why I needed to end it (because I knew he would manipulate me if I tried it in person, and he would just win me over again). I laid it out in specific detail, and made him understand that he really scared me. The next day he was apologetic, but soon after that he stopped seeming like he cared, and when he would apologize again it was to make him look like the victim when he wasn't.

A week or two ago he asked me if we could hang out (no, we don't talk to each other often at all). I hesitantly said yes, but only for a short time outside my house. I said that I wouldn't go anywhere with him and admitted that I was scared to see him, and he said, "Why? I know I was bad, but I wasn't a monster or anything!"

Now, I don't think he was a monster, only because I don't like thinking that way about people, but I didn't think that matters. When you've been scared of someone for a long time, that doesn't just go away after a month or two. I don't think it does. I guess I'm just a bit angry because I feel like he's already moved past what he did to me, while he definitely hasn't improved on what he did wrong. I feel really bad because it's almost like I want him to be unhappy over what he did to me. Or maybe I just want him to be genuinely apologetic. I know I don't want him to have a bad life or go on about it forever. I just feel like he doesn't care. :/

Is that wrong of me? I'm not sure. I just feel like he's forgotten. And I also feel like it would be wrong of me to remind him of it, so I'm just stuck with my anger.

Okay, another thing... I never told him one thing that I was really upset about, after the relationship ended. It's been weighing on me really bad. For a long time before I broke up with him, he hadn't "loved" me (whatever that word meant in his mind) and I would do whatever I could to keep him from breaking up with me because I absolutely adored and respected him. After we broke up, I was scared of him and angry, but I still loved him dearly and wanted him to be happy. I got sucked into being his "friend" for a while. At the time I was talking to other guys, just on a friendly level for some company. My ex knew this, and one night he was all over me, trying to force kisses on me. I kept trying to push him off, and I was upset because I knew he didn't love me, and I had always had this idea that I didn't want a guy kissing me if he didn't (I take that seriously). But my feelings for him were still way too strong, and I was stupid and went ahead and kissed him. I guess I was taken over by the idea of him someday getting better and us having a good relationship down the road. Stupid me.

Anyway, he managed to convince me to get physical with him for six days (and by that he meant making out and stuff. Why six days, I'm not sure). I wanted to make him happy, you know? He said that after those few days, he would back off. I fell for it. I thought maybe it would give me a chance to get him to love me. Instead, after about two days this girl texted him and he told me, "Oh, I'm talking to someone now, so this is wrong." So, I want to know what it was when I was talking to those guys. Wasn't it just as wrong then? I felt like an idiot, and I'm so embarrassed by it. To make matters worse, I was a total pushover when he asked me to take photos of him for that girl. It upset me because in the entire time we were together and even engaged, he always complained about taking photos for me, but after five minutes of texting this girl, he was all over the idea. he became obsessed with her really fast, and talked to me about her all the time.


Does that sound like someone who regrets hurting me? I feel really dumb. I don't know who to be more angry at. Me, or him? I feel like it's all my fault. Something was wrong with me.

One more thing, and then I'll quit (sorry for the novel, guys...). I keep having this weird train of thought that my family suggested probably stemmed from the way he treated me. I think constantly that, if I fix one flaw that I have, I have to have a NEW flaw to compensate for it. Like, I'll never be at the level I want to be no matter how hard I try. I didn't realize that way of thinking came from him. He always wanted me to fix something, and I would thinking, "Okay, this has to be it. If I just change this about myself, we can have a healthy relationship." I must have thought this at least once a week. Can't believe I didn't catch on sooner.

All in all, I'm glad I'm finally sticking up for myself to him. I told him that I wouldn't be his friend and if he wants to hang out I either say no or put big boundaries on it, and I won't text him for very long. But I can't get over my resentment. Any advice?
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 14th 2012, 10:43 AM

Oh, wow. I've been in a pretty identical situation ~ I've never posted here about it yet but have been considering it for a while. Reading this is almost like looking in a mirror. I know exactly how you feel, but I'm afraid that I don't know what advice to give. Please try not to feel angry at yourself ~ I know it's easy to but remember that out of the two of yo he is the one to blame here, not you. Remember that you are so much better than him and that you did the right thing in being the one to call it off. I think you're right in not being his 'friend'; it'll be better for you not to have him in your life at all. Have you thought about counselling?? That's something that I'm trying to find in the hope that it'll help ~ it would be good for you to be able to talk everything out and release your resentment.

I'm so sorry that I've nothing better to say because I haven't figured out how to get over this myself yet, but I just want you to know that I know how you're feeling and you are NOT to blame. Best of luck my love.xxxx


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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 14th 2012, 03:11 PM

Thanks. I read somewhere that abusers are often like mirrors of each other, so it's pretty interesting how the victims often feel the same way.

I do have a therapist that I went to throughout the whole breakup process and I really love her. I haven't been able to go for a few weeks because of money problems, so maybe that's the reason I'm having so many issues with this. She usually calms me down so well. Now my anxiety is just building up.

Thanks for your response. and if anyone else has anything to say, please pitch in.

Partially, I don't want to stop being angry at him. I don't know why (probably because I'm angry, though. Haha). The reason I want the help is only because it's starting to consume me. It's almost all I think about, and that bothers me. I've had a dream where he's tried to rape me, and that was scary for me (By the way, he never actually RAPED me, but there was once where he did something very similar. He was just a very forceful person).
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 14th 2012, 07:50 PM

You don't have to stop being angry at him because he "changed"... If you are still hurt, you can damn well still be angry!
The fault is never on the victim... If he's abusive, or scary, it's his fault, not yours, and you don't have to fix yourself to make the relationship work... By the way, do you still really want having a relationship with him...?
Look, you might love him, but you already know he doesn't do any good to you, so why insist more? Why not find someone else that you treat you just right...?
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 15th 2012, 03:05 PM

Hey there,

Let me start out by saying I'm glad you've got yourself out of that relationship. It's incredibly hard to break up with an abuser, and even harder to stay away. So for that, I'm really proud. Now, it's totally normal for you to continue being angry at him. I don't think it's healthy right now for you to be having any type of contact with him. He should realize that what he did was wrong and he needs to change further before you're involved (friendwise/relationshipwise). Staying away will make your anger lessen in time but when you see him too soon, it'll come back again. Which isn't healthy for you. As you've got to give yourself time to heal from this and completely move on.

When I was 15, I was in an abusive relationship. He was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. I'm currently 18 (almost 19) and I'm still angry, nearly four years later. I am because I talked to him last summer. I was completely over him and all of a sudden, he texts me. He wanted to "see how I was doing." After that, he started getting into the things he did to me and questioned my accusations. It wasn't fair to me... so I'm obviously really angry at him and the situation. Sometimes, I miss him and what he did for me. But I realize how bad he's treated me and it's not worth getting worked up over.

As for the dreams, I believe those are normal too. A lot of abuse victims have dreams about what's happened or what could've happened if you didn't put a stop to it. It's your subconscious mind being scared of any type of danger. Like you said, you're scared. So yes, they are totally normal. Frustrating as well, I'm assuming.

NONE of this is YOUR fault. It is HIS fault. He was the monster who abused you and you didn't/don't deserve it. Someday, you'll see that. Someday, you'll feel healed.

Want to know what helped me? I write down memories of the abuse, feelings about him, feelings in general. I keep it for a while and then I burn the papers. To me, it symbolizes letting go. It really helps.

Take care,
~Brittany
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 17th 2012, 03:38 AM

Brittany,

Thank you very much. Actually, he came by today and we spoke a little bit (he needed to pick up some things I had borrowed). Surprisingly, it went okay. But I'm definitely not about to get back with the guy! I still don't trust him. He apologized to me again for everything that happened, but I told him he would have to make a big change, and that I knew it would at least take a few years to get rid of those deep seated problems that he has. He promised that he would, and I can at least believe that. For how long he'll carry on that way, I can't be so sure. But I'm going away this fall to a college out of state, and I'll be there for about three years. I told him that if he can make a SERIOUS improvement, and if I'm not with a guy by then, I might consider him again. Maybe. But it would be a really long time before I could trust him, and I'm still keeping distance. I just hope that he can make all the changes that he needs to make. I know he wants to be a better person and hopefully he will keep that mind set. If I continue to see him getting better, I think I can forgive him easier.

Thanks for the advice! And you're right; it is best to have limited contact. I need to keep myself in check.
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 17th 2012, 03:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyra Saggita View Post
You don't have to stop being angry at him because he "changed"... If you are still hurt, you can damn well still be angry!
The fault is never on the victim... If he's abusive, or scary, it's his fault, not yours, and you don't have to fix yourself to make the relationship work... By the way, do you still really want having a relationship with him...?
Look, you might love him, but you already know he doesn't do any good to you, so why insist more? Why not find someone else that you treat you just right...?
No, I don't still want a relationship with him right now. Don't worry. lol
   
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Re: I can't get over being angry at him. Long post, but please help! - March 18th 2012, 04:40 AM

I'm glad that you've gotten out of that abusive relationship, and you've done the right thing this whole way through. I think going to college will also help ease your mind of him, and Brittany had a great idea about writing feelings and the like down then burning them. And it seems to me as though your questions have been answered and you seem happy with the advice so I'm going to close this thread, but by all means if you want it reopened just PM myself or Brittany and we will gladly reopen it for you.


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