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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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just a rant i guess - April 5th 2012, 04:17 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

hey guys.. haha.. i'm back... i dunno why i'm back or why she allows me to be back, but i guess she knows that if i get it out here maybe i won't get it out in the real world..
anyway.. posted a very long while back about the physical abuse my aunt is doing to me.. and she still is..
but now i'm so scared.. i think my teacher knows about it.. and because of that, i dunno if she'd let me to graduate because i'm in social work, and she is afraid that it'd affect my work. i told a friend about it and this friend told the teacher.. and i knew i shouldn't have told anyone.. why did i tell anyone.. how did i get myself into all this shit... why am i stupid...
urghhhh
and the thing is.... it's not my aunt.. it's my mum's whos been abusing me. but i told my friend it's my aunt, i told you guys it's my aunt... but it's my mum... and i dunno why i just have this strange fierce loyalty to her. she can whip me every night. she can burn me. she can keep me awake. she can freeze me as and when she likes. she can dedicate her life to hurting me. and through all these i just see that there is no way i can report her. i can't get myself help. i can't talk to anyone. i can't do anything.. because i know she runs the house well. my sisters are okay. my family is okay and they dunno what she does to me. i'm the only one who's not okay... and after all these years, i'm numb to it.. so why get help and ruin the family?
i feel so trapped.. i dunno where to turn.. i dunno what i am doing.. and i'm staying in the school hostel now, but i go back 3 nights a week.... and she squeezes the abuse she used to take 7 nights to accomplish within those 3 nights...
i dunno... i guess i'm okay with it... numb with fear, just numb to the pain.. i dunnno what i'm numb to, i'm just numb actually.
and yet i just know i'd not let her kill me. i had been suicidal before, but now, i'd just want to survive. but every time when she beats me till i am really in such pain that i'm almost going to black out, when she strangles me for a while just to scare me, when she makes me sleep in the cold such that i can't fall asleep.. i just wish it all away.... i want to just provoke her enough such that she'd kill me. and yet i know how stupid that is.. and i just dunno what to do.
and urghhhhh this is such a random rant.... sorry... it's quite depressing. i am quite depressing...
and i look at other people... and i get so jealous.. i wanted what they had... i wanted their freedom, their confidence... and i hate them for having it. i want them to feel my pain... and yet i know it's so wrong. and i know that i'm not supposed to tell.. so i find myself being bad tempered to my friends coz i wanted to hurt them so that somehow life feels a bit fairer.. you probably think i'm a bad person... and i guess you'd be right... if i were not bad, why would mum hate me so much? why would she put me through all that pain if it was not my fault? somehow i know it's not my fault.. and yet somehow i still feel the guilt... i dunnno... i'm so confused...
sorry.. sorry for this long chain of senselessness...
   
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Re: just a rant i guess - April 8th 2012, 04:29 PM

Haha no one replied... But ya guess thanks for those of you who at least read it...
She beat me again.. Well it's the weekend and I get beaten coz I'm at home... But ya no big thing.. Just usual ... If someone pissed her off she'd hit me.. And she'd also hit me for what I did wrong or just for being me... And makes me repeat "I deserve it" between every stroke... And I guess in very convinced of that myself
And I actually know how to stop her but I'd have to stoop to her level... And I don't want to do that so I've never thought about it...ah so ashamed of myself why am I fantasizing about that option? No... It's a dead end for me... I've no choice I've just to take it as it is...
I dunno... Sigh...
   
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Re: just a rant i guess - April 10th 2012, 05:47 AM

Hi there Sophia, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner and I'm sorry no one else did. I know it's hard and you think maybe you can't do it, but you need to tell the authorities. I know it's your mother and you love her, but what she is doing is very wrong, and dangerous and she needs help. If a parent can hurt their kid like she hurts you, there is something going on with her, that she needs psychiatric help for, and you do not deserve this in any way shape or form. I think it would be best if you either told the authorities what's been happening or tell someone who can tell the authorities.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: just a rant i guess - April 10th 2012, 01:59 PM

Dear Cheye
thanks for replying.. and yea i know it's dangerous but i look all ways of stopping this.. and nothing is going to help... she made everything a dead end. i've no evidence, i've no way of getting help without her finding out and dazzling everyone with her lies that will make me out to be a liar.. i've tried before to tell friends and she made me break up with them and even told their parents that i'm a bad egg and sorry that she couldn't control me..
she's mostly a good mum in the family... i mean... to everyone else... and she does it alright, and no one else is affected by her hurting me.. and i feel bad.. i don't want to break the family up
i just look at it all in despair.. i go home in despair.. i look at her in despair.. i take it in despair.. coz i know i can't change it.. i just have to take it...
and i know that she's deliberate in doing all these to hurt me.. it's too well thought-out for it to be something that a mad person does and she does it so well and consistently.. i'm blocked out in all directions and everyone believes her, no one believes me ...
i can't report her, i really can't, no one will believe me.. and what can they do anyway? maybe they have enough evidence to keep her away for a few months maybe and then she'd be back and she'd be worse and she'd punish me for ratting out on her... and my sisters will hate me for taking away their mum... and i will hate myself for not shutting up...
   
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Re: just a rant i guess - April 11th 2012, 06:24 AM

I know it's hard but if you want to get away from this pain, you need to report her. Or then again, your profile says you are 21. You could always move out and find a job. It would be hard, no doubt, but it'd be better than having to endure this.


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Re: just a rant i guess - April 11th 2012, 03:12 PM

ah cheye.. i can't move out... where i am, i can only get a house only if i turn 35 unless i get married.. also, my sisters are too young to move out and i think she'd just turn on them.. and i can't have that..
i can take the pain i guess.. it's better than the consequences than not.. sigh
   
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