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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Shame Offline
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Hating myself every day. - April 2nd 2009, 03:29 AM

I've been wanting to type this for a long time, and now am finally just getting the courage to. I need help, I'm not an evil person, I don't want my life completely ruined by something incredibly stupid I did when I didn't know any better.

Before I start I want to make one thing clear, I'm not a pedophile. I did what I did because I was a horny, ignorant 14 year old who got an opportunity I really shouldn't of. I hate myself for what I did, every time I think about it I just want to die. I've had many sleepless nights since I realized how bad the thing I'd done was, and I want the shaking to finally stop.

When I was a young teen my dad dated this horrible woman. This woman was nothing but pain for my brother and I, and we complained that we hated her to our father which was met with nothing but countenance and scorn from him. He was blind in his desperation for love, only when she ran off with another man and stole over $20,000 from him did he finally realize what a mistake he had made. This woman was evil, she used the money she stole to hire an expensive lawyer and get full custody of her three daughters from their birth father and took off across the country with them.

Between the ages of 13 and 14 I was tasked with babysitting these three girls while my father and this heinous bitch went out on Friday nights. At the time these events happened they were 8, 9, and 11. Before you read any further PLEASE remember that I hate myself for what I did, and want to hurt myself every time I think of them. It takes me a lot of courage to write this, since I know what will happen to me if it ever gets out. My life would be over, I would be labeled a pedophile and forced to register as a sex offender, ostracizing me from every facet of society and leaving me better off dead. That's why the only places I can seek help are anonymous internet things such as this and paid shrinks who have taken professional oaths of secrecy. Anyway... here it goes...

I would wait until they were asleep and then sneak into their room. I would watch them sleep and see if they were wearing any underwear before stealing off to the bathroom to masturbate. I even went as far as to touch one of them once (God help me, I'm filth. I should die.). All this happened between the ages of 13 and 14, I was in seventh grade.

You probably think I'm a sick, perverted bastard who deserves to die, and I agree with you. I can't stop thinking about what I did, every day is like walking on thin ice, not knowing if they know what I did. I say this because I never heard anything about it from them while they lived with us. I don't know if they had any idea what I had done. I want to believe they would have told their mother if they had, but I just don't know.

I have spoken to a therapist about this. He told me that while what I did was horrible, I can't be prosecuted by law since I was under the age of 16 when I did it. This made me feel better, until last week when I saw an article in the newspaper about a 14 year old girl who was going to have to register as a sex offender for sending nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend. If they can prosecute something as stupid as THAT, why can't they prosecute ME?

I fear the only reason I haven't heard anything about it up to this point is because their mom is wanted by the police for stealing my dad's money, I don't know if she has been caught. I spend every day living in fear, not knowing if my entire life is going to be ruined by some stupid mistake I made when I was an ignorant kid. I'm 17 now, almost old enough to be prosecuted as an adult. Please, I want to be a writer, I don't want my life to be ruined by this. Oh God, I want to die.

Please tell me what I should do or believe, am I a sad sick bastard?

Last edited by ForeverAutumn*; April 2nd 2009 at 06:27 AM. Reason: Marked as triggering.
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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 2nd 2009, 04:07 AM

First thing I'm going to say is that you don't deserve to die. Nobody does. Second, I'm really happy that you realize you did something horrible and you feel bad about it. It means you have a heart. You aren't some sick bastard. You were a kid. You screwed up. Kids are supposed to screw up. Granted what you did was a crime and if any of these girls know what you did to them it could scar them for life. You should go talk to a conselour about how you are feeling. It could help you a lot. Feel free to Private Message me anytime you need to talk to someone.

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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 2nd 2009, 08:38 AM


Welcome to Teen Help. I am glad you had the courage to talk about what you did. You do no deserve to die. You made a mistake and now you should learn from that mistake and never ever repeat those actions. I am glad you understand what you did was wrong and didn't go any further. Try to forgive yourself and move on. Be happy and proud you didn't take your urges further. Don't hate yourself over this. You were young and everyone makes mistakes. I am glad you are getting professional help to sort through your feelings regarding this. I wouldn't worry to much about getting prosecuted. If nothing has happened yet then it is highly unlikely that anything will happen. Also, there is no proof so it would be hard to prove your guilt. Try not to be so hard on yourself. As long as it never happens again I don't think you are a monster. I think you were a young boy who wasn't thinking and did something he shouldn't have. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. Don't hesitate to PM me. I am never to busy to listen and I won't judge you. Try and feel better and take care.

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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 2nd 2009, 09:31 PM


First of all, before I get into anything, you should know that you're always welcome here on Teen Help. Whether it be to talk, help or make friends, we're all here to support and give the best advice we possibly can to help you. No one here will judge you or torment you about anything. You are a very strong individual. Not only for coming forth to people about what you did, but for coming onto a completely new place of strangers and telling your story.

It's obvious, to me, that you feel terrible about what you did. And, you need to be willing to face this at some point. I realize you're already suffering from it, emotionally and probably physically too. It's great that you know what you did was wrong. It's even better that you're able to talk about it. However, you also need to be able to forgive yourself. It's true, what you did was wrong and you've not only admitted it, but came forth and are paying for it in some way. These feelings might last for a while, but at some point you need to push past the suffering and forgive yourself. Learn from what you did and realize that you won't ever do it again. Coping with something like this, is something I haven't ever had to do. But, I believe it takes the will to stay alive. If you've truly learned from it, and are sorry, live your life out and prove it. Prove you've changed, not to anyone else, but for yourself. Prove that you won't let past mistakes ruin your bright future. Because nothing is written in stone yet. You're different than the other antagonists of these situations, I think you know that too. Forgiveness and relief isn't found through running away. Killing yourself is exactly that, running away. Don't do that, not while you're still healing and still dreaming of the future. Even when things get hard, you need to hang on and push through each day. Sometimes it might get hard, so live each day and take it one step at a time, ok? But, you don't deserve to die.

As for making things 'right', I'm afraid things might never be the same, compared to before. However, things can get better. People can heal and get better. I know you're scared, but the truth can honestly set feelings free. It's one of the hardest things you might have to do, but doing it would make you feel so much better. It would release the feeling of fear each day. If you wind up being punished for it, through law (which I doubt), once it's over, paying for what you've done would allow you the chance to move on. A chance to finally feel like you've done something to show how sorry you are. If you ever do get to see the girls again, maybe even when you're older, (if they know) maybe you could apologize. I understand how telling them about it might damage things, so if they don't already know, it's completely your decision to confront them. Maybe you can write apology letters to them? Not to send, but for yourself. Write about your current thoughts and feelings, and what you'd like them to know. That might help vent some things inside you that can't get out.

I really do admire your strength, and I can say I don't hold any of this against you. As a person, you are no different. We've all made our fair share of mistakes. Few of us have the courage to live up to our mistakes and try to right the wrongs. So, consider yourself unique, in a good way. This kind of hurt and pain you feel right now, might make life easier later. You never know. The future is unwritten. Take care of yourself. Please message me if you need anything, I'm more than willing to chat.

~Stay strong and have faith.

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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 2nd 2009, 09:47 PM

It was wrong, but we all make mistakes. Maybe it was the thrill of doing something wrong? as opposed to violating children(you said you weren't a paedophile) but you cant keep beating yourself up about it. If you were really such a horrible person, you could've done a lot worse to them and get away with it, and I don't think you'd be feeling this sorry either. Keep venting your feelings, dont let them fester. Allow yourself to heal as a person, by getting some kind of closure. writing a letter like SimplyComplex said, could be very helpful if you didnt do it already.

You need to forgive yourself. A lot easier said than done i know, but work towards it with your councellor. You've been really brave telling us the truth, and you gave it to us warts and all. And nobody has had any adverse reactions so far, and believe me people wouldnt hold back if they though you were a danger to anyone else.


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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 3rd 2009, 06:44 PM

I can see how much it took for you to say all of this, it took a lot of courage. I'm glad you realize what you did was wrong, many don't. You understand you did something very bad, but you don't deserve to die. As stated, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are unforgivable, yes, but because you know it was wrong and you feel guilty for what you did, it changes things. You could have done a lot worse to those girls and you could have gone a lot further. I'm not justifying what you did in any way, but I know you already understand that and you aren't justifying it either. You aren't a bad person hunn, you just made a bad decision. We all have; don't let this eat you away. You should definitely talk to someone about this, otherwise it's only going to build up more and more. Don't let a mistake you made in the past ruin your future because there are so many opportunities out there for you. You've got to allow yourself to move on and forgive yourself.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I won't judge you for your past because people do change, and you are one of those people. Stay strong

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Re: Hating myself every day. - April 5th 2009, 11:11 AM

People make mistakes. Especially children. I've made my fair share, and so has everyone on here. That's the point of this site though. To get over what you've done, learn from it, and try to make yourself a better person. What you did was wrong, and would emotionally scar these girls, but you regret it, and that is what matters. Remorse means that you aren't a pedophile, that your a kid that messed up. You will be alright. Just talk to people. You can get over this and be a writer, and hopefully we'll all buy your best-seller. *hug*

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