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Name: Rynn
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It Still Holds Me Back - April 9th 2012, 03:33 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Alright, well, this is kind of a long story. It's something that I've tried to get past, and in some ways I have, but it's like a nightmare that you keep remembering.

During my senior year in high school, I was drinking one night with my mother and her current husband. (I have a messed up family. A whole different story.) I know it wasn't the brightest thing to do, and now I kick myself for it. But, I can't change the past. I had never been drunk before or really had more than one drink. I thought that it would be okay if I was drinking at home with a parent. It never occurred to me that something would happen.

At first it was fine. My brothers weren't home. I was just hanging out with my mom and her husband. We started drinking while we were watching TV. My mom ended up in the computer room - she's a facebook addict, even when she drinks. Go figure. But I was in the living room with him. He was sitting next to me on the couch. We were watching some movie. I can't even remember what it was.

I remember him moving closer and having his arm on my shoulders. He said something about wanting to compare my breasts to my mothers. What he said didn't register until after his hand was down my shirt and in my bra. I tried to move away, but I was too dizzy to even stand up. He asked if it was okay and I told him no. Thankfully, nothing else happened.

I never told my mother or confronted her husband about it. I just wanted to forget about it. The next morning I kept getting flashes of what happened. I thought that if I could convince myself it was a dream, it would make it better. It didn't, thought.

Things got worse at my mother's house. Her husband started getting meaner to me and my brothers. I stood up for my brothers and I, because my mother wouldn't. I ended up getting kicked out about a year ago, but it still effects me, as lame as that sounds.

It's made it harder to trust people and even harder to date. I've talked to my current boyfriend about it, and I think he understands for the most part. We took things slow, then ended up having sex too fast. We stayed at that pace for awhile, but I told him I didn't feel ready, so we slowed it down. It just made me feel dirty. Sometimes, we'll be kissing and it'll be relatively innocent, and I'll have to stop, because I can't have the physical contact. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I used to go to therapy, but I work so much, that I haven't been in a long while. It just makes me feel like I'll never really be over it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Forever Sarcastic.; April 9th 2012 at 03:47 AM.
   
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Re: It Still Holds Me Back - April 9th 2012, 04:18 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry to hear about what's happened to you. I just want to start by saying that I am proud of you for telling even a couple of people in your life. It's a hard step but I'm glad you did so.

The bottom line is, it's hard to get over any kind of unwanted sexual abuse or harassment. There is no excuse for what he did but it might be possible that he was so drunk that he doesn't even remember what he did. That could be why he hasn't apologized to you or your mother. However, like I said, it's no excuse. He shouldn't have done what he did but now, it's all about moving forward.

Honestly, I am glad that you're not in that house anymore. It seems like it wasn't a good place for you and now that you're out, you can focus on getting better. Telling your boyfriend must have been hard but it seems to me like he's very understanding and is willing to move slow-paced for your sake -- which is great.

Now for some coping techniques. For me, I always see writing a letter to the abuser (or just writing out feelings) helps. After writing it all out, you burn it (safely) and it symbolizes letting go. Although it may not help you let go the very first time, it helps to keep doing it. Other techniques I suggest are yoga, running, music, writing, reading, etc. Pretty much distractions that will slowly ease your mind away from that night.

It will get easier in time, I promise.
   
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Re: It Still Holds Me Back - April 9th 2012, 06:02 PM

Rynn, the short answer to your question is that you should find the time to get back into therapy. Clearly, there's a lot there...not only the sexual violation, but the emotional, too. It's the combination of the sexual violation as well as the emotional betrayal that causes the problems, even later on in new, fresh relationships. It's like a dark cloud that hangs over you. Typically, it requires therapy to resolve.

Go back into therapy and put this into proper historical perspective so it doesn't intrude.


PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
   
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Re: It Still Holds Me Back - April 10th 2012, 04:06 AM

Thank you both. I made an appointment with my therapist. We'll see how it goes. I appreciate the feedback.
   
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Re: It Still Holds Me Back - April 10th 2012, 05:34 AM

I hope all goes well and you can visit as often as you need. Seeing as how OP seems content and happy with the advice given and has used this advice, I'm going to close this thread, but Rynn, feel free to PM myself or Brittany if you would like it re-opened, or you can always make a new thread


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