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Exclamation flashbacks - April 15th 2012, 07:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i was sexually assulted by my second cousin when i was 8, its haunted me for years and for a long time i was scared to let anyone near me in a sexual way, even a kiss made me feel uncomfortable most of the time...

anyway after almost a year of counciling all these years later im managing it a whole lot better and i found a guy i really really trust and i love him alot, hes the first person ive ever been able to do anything with at all... however sometimes i get really bad flashbacks im the middle of it and it scares the crap out of me, i never know what to do in that situation, carrying on dosent work for me i cant help it and stopping makes it awkward for a while after. he konw and is really understanding, a few times ive cried so he just sat and cuddled me till i stopped but it dosent stop the flashbacks and i dont want them to feel like they control me anymore. i hate it, its like im haunted by it. its not every time so i dont know when there going to happen, i know he feels like its his fault to....

does anyone have any advice on how to cope or anything at all, i hate it i feel dirty and i have no clue how he can be with me, i feel broken, like somthing thats never going to work again, and that he should have someone better. sometimes i look for reasons for him to break up with me because i dont know how he can stand to look at me...

any help with coping anyone? i just want the flashbacks to stop...... i want to be good enough for him... does anyone know what i can do???
   
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Re: flashbacks - April 15th 2012, 08:13 PM

Hi Louisa,

You definitely are good enough for him. Going through what you have doesn't make you any less of a person.
The fact that he knows and is able to support you is good, he could have chosen to leave but he didn't.

For me, I have to ground myself. Feel where you are. Try finding things from each of the five senses. Something you can see that sticks out, feel the material of a chair, try to identify a smell... anything like that. Anything that will keep your mind in the present and not in the past.

Also you can create a safe place in your head that you can go to when you're feeling unsafe. Make it as comfortable as you can. Imagine all of your favourite things and put them all together. When you feel scared, or triggered, go to this place and tell yourself that you are safe and no one is going to hurt you.

As for sex, keeping it slow is probably best. Make sure that you know you can stop at any moment. It doesn't matter how awkward it might feel; it's much better than going into a flashback.
Keep eye contact with him. Make sure you remind yourself who it is. Don't take your eyes off him. Concentrate hard as if your mind wanders it can lead to unwanted thoughts.

This is nothing out of the ordinary. I've experienced similar things with similar feelings. It's no one's fault but the person who did this to you.
You are important, you are worthy, you are special.
Look after yourself. Take a bubble bath when you feel a bit vulnerable. Read a book. Listen to music. Do anything to relax yourself.

Hope i've helped somewhat. If you need to talk at all, feel free to send me a message

x
   
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Re: flashbacks - April 29th 2012, 02:38 PM

What happened to you when you were younger does NOT make you dirty or "unclean" in any way hun. It was something terrible that happened to you that is not your fault. Your cousin is the only one to be blamed.
Please stop carrying around this guilt and shame over something that you had no control over.
This man seems to be very loving, kind, genuine, sincere, and helpful. He certainly cares for you quite a lot. So listen to the wonderful things he tells you about yourself and try to let go of your past. It will only control you if you let it.
While I'm not sure how to stop the flashbacks, I think that they will eventually stop or at least greatly decrease in frequency as you begin to confront, let go of, and overcome your past.
Best wishes dear <3
Stay strong
xoxoxo
   
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Re: flashbacks - May 8th 2012, 09:22 PM

What happened to you does not make you dirty... Your Cousin was dirty for doing such a thing... You are who you are, and you are good enough for him, and it's good to know he's understanding, and that he doesn't make you do something you don't wanna do... I'm gonna be honest, I'm a guy, and I'm not a rape victim, maybe I'm not very qualified to answer this question properly... But I thought I'd try... You did nothing wrong, and the only one to blame is your rapist. Just know you are beautiful, and just fine the way you are. Don't ever think you're dirty, you're not. I promise you that. Anyway, I'll try and give some suggestions about the flash backs... Try to remind yourself of where you are, and who your with. Make sure you feel comfortable, and if you need to stop, do it. No exceptions, he will feel bad, and possibly like it's his fault, but you have to take care of yourself. Try to remind yourself that nothing can hurt you, and it's only memories... And you're safe. And no one will ever do it again. I would be careful getting out there with sex, make sure you trust the guy you're with before you do it with him. I don't know what else to say... I'm sorry if this wasn't very helpful...
Stay safe, you're beautiful and perfect the way you are.
<3<3
   
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