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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
necron Offline
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lost from the get go - May 14th 2012, 03:19 AM

i never thought it would get this far but i am finally trying to get some help for myself.
how to begin this. i guess ill start with recent events.
my girlfriend and i of almost 4 years broke up recently.
this naturally, came as a shocker to not only everyone around us, but us as well
why did this happen? to put it simply, i put up my 'wall' again.
this time i had no control over it.
i havent been able to control it in a long time. now it just happens whenever my mind thinks im vulnerable.
whenever i feel stressed or angry or i feel like ive been betrayed, the wall goes up. this is my minds self defense mechanism so i wont feel any more pain.
unfortunately this time, its worse. my wall came crashing down years ago when i met my girlfriend.
i was in a dark spot. sad, lost, confused. she helped me feel better. brought me to a place i didnt think i could be at again. she saved me, and no matter what, was always there even though i warned her i might shut her out without meaning to. she didnt care. she still stuck by me and fought and tried.
she was and is wonderful.
then life got to the both of us.
when we met, yes we were depressed, but not because of life issues. typical adolescent stuff i suppose you could call it.
soon we were faced with many challenges. 'get a job' 'i might not pass school' 'i might be homeless soon' typical life challenges.
these things both made us very stressed out and very depressed. our anxieties were through the roof and eventually we started taking it out on each other. the pain we felt, took it out on each other.
but somehow through all the pain we still held on because we wanted this. we wanted us. but life kept constantly throwing things at us.
soon, we began to change. for the worse. we no longer were with who we fell in love with. we were horrible, nasty people now and we slowly began to hate each other.
and now were here. separated. shes hurting and so am i. but because of my wall, i dont show it. i am no longer able to feel any kind of feeling or emotion, especially towards her. my mind only allows me to see her as a friend because she was associated with the time in my life i felt pain. so my mind shut her out.
my mind shut out the only one who understood me and stuck with me through everything.
all because of this wall. everytime i stress this happens. anytime i get even the slightest worried or i feel that someone hurt my trust, this happens. but this time, it just doesnt feel right. i dont feel right keeping her out, but i just cant help it.
what can i do? ive been like this for as long as i can remember. i dont want to hide behind this mask anymore but i feel like i have no choice.
i cant talk to anyone about this, because my mind wont let me.
im a slave to my own mind i guess.
is there anything i can do? anything i can take?
if i could, i would see a therapist. but i cant.
im going into the military soon, and having that on my records would disqualify me.
there has to be something more than this.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: lost from the get go - May 14th 2012, 05:01 PM

Hey, sorry to hear about this. The only thing I could suggest (as I don't know the specific rules regarding psychological treatment and the military) is to open up to someone a little more, whether it be on this site or perhaps on of those call services. It sounds like you were not emotionally stable when you met your ex, and now it's 10x worse since you're dealing with the pain of the breakup in addition to the old feelings. Take care of yourself.

Hamid: What's that?
Rambo: It's blue light.
Hamid: What does it do?
Rambo: It turns blue.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
necron Offline
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Re: lost from the get go - May 14th 2012, 09:54 PM

Thanks, and I get what you mean but opening up to people is the one thing I was never good at.
She was the only one I really opened up to, and even then I showed her maybe 10% of who I am?
Now that life affected us, I feel like there really is no one else I can open up to to feel better.
Yeah, I could do it again with her but the pain of not having her there as more than a friend makes it almost impossible.
I wasn't emotionally stable when I met her, you're right. But I fought through it as much as I could and she stood by me, even knowing all of that. I guess that's really why my wall went up again.
She helped me tear it down, but who she turned into put it right back up.
Do you see the loop?
If you know of a call service, please let me know. I feel like that's my best bet right now, other than some kind of medication.
I've been wondering about mood stabilizers? Would that assist me at all?
Thanks for the feedback though, Puppets.
I appreciate it.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: lost from the get go - May 15th 2012, 03:31 AM

I am not sure where you are located, but a good resource that I have turned to in the past is Samaritans.


They help point people in the right direction as far as getting help for any number of problems or issues, and are willing to talk through things. I hope that is of some use for you.

Another one that is frequently used is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:


I think this is more immediate crisis-oriented, but they would also be willing to point you in the right direction and talk about things as well.

I hope things turn out ok. Stay strong man.

Hamid: What's that?
Rambo: It's blue light.
Hamid: What does it do?
Rambo: It turns blue.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: lost from the get go - May 15th 2012, 07:38 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

I've merged your thread from the "Relationships and Dating" forum into this one, per TeenHelp's Code of Conduct:
A thread should only be posted once, in the most appropriate forum for the subject. If a thread fits into several sections it should not be reposted in all of them.
Well, I can definitely relate to this story. I was in a relationship for over four years, and when we broke up, it came as a shock to everyone and to ourselves (although, in hindsight, I can see where things were going wrong/deteriorating). It was difficult to move on, and I certainly didn't feel like myself. I threw up "walls" to protect myself, but I never stopped feeling that pain. You may feel that this "wall" is going to protect you, but it won't. Imagine that you have a bouncy ball in a small container, and you throw it as hard as you can. That ball isn't going to stop moving - it's going to keep bouncing from wall to wall until it loses all its energy. That is what will happen to you as well... you may not show it on the outside, but you'll be feeling it on the inside.

So what can you do? Find a different, healthier coping mechanism. In fact, find a few, because sometimes one technique won't "cut it" for you on a particular day. Does this mean you have to see a therapist? Well, ideally, I'd encourage you to see someone so you can work through this problem. I know that there are ways to see therapists without it appearing on your medical record - for example, seeing someone and paying with cash vs. using your health insurance. If money is an issue, you can see an intern (vs. a licensed therapist) for less money - I work for a non-profit organization that charges as low as $5 per session! Also, once you're in the military, you will have access to psych services (my father is in the USMC, and he saw a psychiatrist when he was dealing with his second divorce - he actually found this psychiatrist THROUGH the military, so it is not frowned upon by any means, although I can imagine things are different when you're attempting to get into the military).

Putting up a "wall" does not have to be your only means of coping, and it does not have to control your life and your relationships with other people. With time and hard work, you can develop other ways of coping, ways that will allow you to reach out for support when it is needed without having to shut people out altogether. Stress, unfortunately, is always going to be present in your life, so you'll need to address this problem eventually (sooner vs. later, preferably!).

Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions or concerns! Good luck! =)

Last edited by PSY; May 15th 2012 at 08:20 PM. Reason: Merged thread from the "Relationships and Dating" forum.
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