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Dissociating and Letting Go - May 29th 2012, 03:03 AM

I thought that my feelings were pretty normal, until a good friend of mine pointed out the fact that I've been pushing away all of my friends lately.

For years now, at least 6, I've been going through intense mood changes. I went through a few not so great things, so I just figured "oh, this is what triggered me to go through these mood changes.. no big deal." But I never liked feeling the way I did, I just kind of figured that this is how everyone feels. I tend to give people many chances if they get on my bad side, but once they hit a point, I really have no intention of being friends with that person any more. I recently admitted to myself that this one friend of mine R was the closest person to me.. and now, I just want nothing to do with her.
I go to college in a city about 30 minutes from where I live, and I live on campus. I just feel like I want nothing to do with the people from where I am from, nothing to do with the city. But it's beyond a general indifference. I just feel like I have nothing. Even with my ex, who is still my best friend.. I just go through these phases where I just want to hang out with her all the time, to where I just have to get up and leave, because I'm afraid of throwing away my friendship just as I did with every other one I had back home.

I struggled with SH for 6 years, and I've generally been clean for months now.. This leads to the main thing that confuses me:

I never really thought about my dissociating. I would have black outs, or I would literally just get into this place and forget where I was or what I was doing. It never bothered me much until I wanted to stop SH. Then I realized that all of my slip ups happened when I dissociate, and I don't realize I slipped up until I'm changing, or in the shower and I see it. It's pretty disappointing.

I feel like I'm losing myself a bit, and I feel like I might lose everything and everyone around me.

I don't like therapy much, so I guess my question is if anyone has felt similar? Or if anyone might know why I dissociate/feel the need to not associate with people who were once my closest friends? It's just this big mess right now, and I don't want to bring my friends at school into this. I have a lot of great friends there, and I don't feel the need to push them away.. I don't want them to know that I'm losing grip on myself. It's for me to worry about, not them.

"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

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Re: Dissociating and Letting Go - June 3rd 2012, 04:42 AM

Many times, people will dissociate because they are under a great deal of stress. Has that been the case for you? Other times, people will dissociate because something traumatic happens, or there is a reminder of a traumatic experience, and one way of coping is for the mind to separate itself from the body for a period of time. Again, has that been the case for you?

I know you said you aren't crazy about therapy, but dissociative disorders are a complex field of study, and I wouldn't recommend trying to remedy the problem on your own. Not only would it be difficult (an outsider can witness things you might not be able to), but you could potentially be put in harm's way when you dissociate (ex. self-harm, getting lost, being taken advantage of while dissociating). I would meet with your doctor/GP first to ensure that this isn't being caused by a medical condition. After that, I would ask for a referral to someone who specializes in dissociative disorders.

What's encouraging is that you're not completely indifferent all of the time... you DO have phases where you want to have contact with your loved ones, and that's a good sign. You're going to need a lot of social support as you seek help for the dissociation, as well as the self-harm and extreme mood changes. I hope that, at the very least, you can find it within yourself to tell someone what's going on. Even if you're feeling indifferent now, you may switch back eventually and be glad that your loved ones stuck with you through the difficult times. Of course, they're less likely to do so if you don't communicate with them, and offer an explanation as to why you're pushing them away.

I wish you all the best. <3

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