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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Coffee. Offline
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Name: Traci
Age: 27
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Location: North Carolina

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Join Date: October 29th 2009

Language & Triggering. As usual. - June 30th 2012, 10:21 AM

You guys have been overwhelmingly supportive in my hopeless journey of my inability to receive therapy, for a mixture of financial and shame reasons. It sadly comes down to the point that I can't afford it, and don't qualify for anything free. This may change in August since I might be getting a new insurance plan, but I doubt it. I've had my hopes crushed too many times to believe it again.

So I'm not asking for advice about therapy. Sadly, at this point, I do not think I will be able to get it any time soon. I'm really here to ask for some support, maybe some understanding, maybe just some information. I don't know. I just need some help.

My emotions consume me. Anybody who reads my blogs can get a sense of what I'm about to talk about. The majority of the time, I feel sadness. It's a sadness I am able to swallow back and smile, but I feel it all of the time. I'm pessimistic, sarcastic, and just feel an overall sense of feeling sad for the world and feeling sorry for myself.

Then there's the anger. I'm constantly ashamed of my sadness and feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. I then just feel angry and I hate myself. I starve myself. I cut myself. I feel suicidal. I just feel like an awful person and that I have no reason to live. I'm quick to get angry during these times, and end up snapping at a lot of my friends when really, I just hate myself so much.

Then, there is the "optimistic" times. This happens about, I don't know, twice a month and lasts a couple of days. Something "triggers" this emotion, but I have this whole feeling that "things will get better." I'm hopeful for the future during this time, but sadly enough, I'm not productive. I take on a bunch of shit in school, clubs, or volunteering that I can't handle, I stay up all night on Tumblr looking up inspiring pictures or cats or something stupid, I go buy stuff, or other stupid crap. Then, I crash, going back down to the depressive normal state where I have to handle the studying I didn't do, the tasks I brought on myself, or the debts I put on myself while apparently "happy."

This is no way like bipolar or something, there's no mania. It's just depressive with a mix of stupid hopeful times and then crashes back to depressive. And that's what I hate, I don't fucking know what's wrong wtih me. I'm not diagnosed, and don't fit any diagnosis. I fucking scare myself, I'm harming myself, I'm down to one of the lowest weights I've been since middle school and was two inches shorter, I think about suicide constantly, but I can't get help. And I hate it.

I have no idea what I'm planning on getting from this thread. I more or less need a reason to keep even get out of bed. I'm on vacation, I'm privileged enough to have a family that even brings me on trips (even if it's just to my uncle's 150 miles away, that's more than a lot of people ever get!) and yet I'm sitting here crying on my lap top because even with everything I have I'm fucking suicidal. And I hate it.

I just feel so much of this hopeless anger. I don't have anything. I don't have a mental illness, or an eating disorder, or any type of problem because I have no diagnosis that says I do. I'm a decent student, I'm on a scholarship, I work for my university. So what am I to come to help for? Nothing. I feel like I fake, like these emotions I have aren't real yet I'm absolutely eaten alive by them and I hate it. I hate everything, and lately, I just think about suicide constantly. I just feel like no matter what, things never get better, and that no matter what I feel one minute, perhaps happiness, perhaps hope, it always comes crashing down later.

I'm not honestly sure I want anything from this. I'm not sure what I'm asking. I'm not sure I "need" help. Somebody with cancer needs help. Somebody with a diagnosis needs help. Maybe I just need to shut up. Maybe if I just continue to ignore it, it will go away. (Hasn't worked for seven going on eight years, but hey, you never know.) Maybe everybody feels this way, and I just can't handle normal life.

I don't know. Support?

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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Re: Language & Triggering. As usual. - July 1st 2012, 05:53 PM

Traci I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through all this. I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can't let this thread go unanswered. It doesn't sound like this is normal that you "just can't deal with" there seems to be a serious problem here. A major reason you don't have a diagnosis is that you can't get therapy right now and another has to do with the fact that professionals try to diagnose human beings out of textbooks and you might just not fit, but that doesn't mean that nothing is wrong or that you don't need or deserve help. Mental illnesses are medical ones and deserve the same treatment (don't even get me started with that) you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, I always say (about myself only) my brain is broken and every once in awhile I'm allowed to struggle. I didn't break my brain, but I have to deal with the consequences. It doesn't make you a bad person, but I understand the anger I've often wondered why my broken brain wanted to try and kill me (by convincing me to kill myself) I eventually concluded it was because it was broken and irrational. Starving and harming yourself only add to this whole thing, I know you know that. They don't fix the sadness or the anger, they just make you sick and leave you with scars. Feelings are feelings and it isn't the feelings we have to worry about so much as how we deal with them. It's like saying you can be angry, but you can't punch a hole in the wall. You can be angry or sad, but harming yourself by starving or cutting isn't okay and it won't fix the problem.

Member Since: September 19, 2007
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"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
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language, triggering, usual

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