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Screaming to get out. - July 9th 2012, 11:08 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know what to say in this. I just need some support, help, advice or even knowing that Im not alone...

One moment, I feel on top of the world and determined to beat this. The suddenly, the happiness runs out of me and I feel suicidal and have the worst unimaginable urges to cut through my skin. I feel like I can do everything and then I just crash.

And the voices are getting overwhelming again. The voices, his voice, doesn't leave me. I feel him touching me, I feel his breathe on my neck. He comes over me at night. Her, she chases me up the stairs. If I don't get in my room quick enough and shut the door, she gets in. She hangs me up there, and tells me thats how I need to kill myself. She makes me watch myself myself committing suicide and maybe she's right, maybe thats the way to do it. The spiders. All the eyes. Burning underneath the floorboards, through my bedroom walls, through my skin. I can feel everyone staring at me. Reading my mind. I know people stand outside my house at night, staring at me, waiting to get me. And Im so scared. I dont want them to get me.

Its just too much. I dont know what to do.


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Re: Screaming to get out. - July 10th 2012, 12:33 PM

I know how you feel. If the voices are bothering you that much, ignore them. If yu can't ignore them, have a little mental fight with them. Have you ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia? Because some of the symptoms sound like those of schizophrenia or paranoia. Have you been diagnosed with either of those?




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Re: Screaming to get out. - July 10th 2012, 07:37 PM

Jessie, have you told your therapist/psych about this?

I know that these symptoms are tied into BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which if I'm not mistaken, has been bounced around as a possible diagnosis for you (though correct me if I'm wrong).

Maybe you should try a different medication, or a higher dose, if your medication isn't working. Raising the dose, even by a bit, can sometimes make a HUGE difference (as I know from my own experience). Either way, these hallucinations are disruptive, but the right medication can help you manage, and make the hallucinations stop. Please, make sure to talk to whoever prescribes you the medication you use.


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Re: Screaming to get out. - July 11th 2012, 07:54 AM

Thanks for your replies.

No, no one has ever talked to be about having BPD but either way, I feel positive that I don't have that disorder. I saw my CPN today; she already knew about the voices but I wrote something in a little more detail. The psych there (who i have never met) has apperntly refering me to STEP, I think it is(?) which is early intervention for psychosis. I'm not sure about it. And I don't know. Uh.


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Re: Screaming to get out. - July 13th 2012, 07:39 AM

Severe Depression sometimes has psychotic features. You've been struggling with what looks like depression from the outside, and the voices etc. do sound like some sort of psychosis. But you've also gone through difficult stuff with your parents' illness and other stuff in your past, and you've never mentioned whether the voices are of people you know or not. If they are of people you know, then that's a bit different from psychosis so far as I know.

Referring you to STEP is probably a very wise idea, because they will be able to help you with the voices and the paranoia (I assume there's no actual people standing outside your house, if there is, then please, contact the police), using other types of intervention than purely medication.

Also the violent mood swings are, unfortunately, a pretty normal part of being early in the recovery process. The fact is, you're having positive thoughts now as well as the others, and with the right treatment, those positive periods will get longer and longer, until you're mostly in control of what goes through your head. I don't think it's ever possible to be entirely in control - we all get random thoughts and urges - but to have it to the point where the majority of the time you're considering your recovery is a good thing, and it WILL happen.

Keep trucking, you're doing awesome. =]
   
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