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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jessica97 Offline
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Unhappy These things just Started. I need help before it sets in too deep. SH, ED, Anxiety, Depression. - July 13th 2012, 03:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Sorry that it's so long....
I've had self esteem issues and a minor eating disorder since 5th grade(That's when I started getting bullied really bad)
They really didn't get bad until 7th grade when boys started calling me ugly. I took comfort in always trying to have a boyfriend so i would feel pretty and so when someone would say I was going to die alone or that I was ugly I would say "my boyfriend doesn't think that" Which would just result in more teasing.

About 2 months ago, the guy i thought was my soulmate broke up with me unexpectedly. I was devestated. I cried so much. I got depressed, stopped eating as much, and was just very very sad. Just a week after he broke up with me, a friend of mine whom i've known since I was 3 died in a car accident. That's when the SH started.
When I got that news, I was at school. I sat down, started sobbing, and then i folded my arms and started scratching the top part of my right arm. There wasn't any broken skin it just got really red. But I did that like all day. That was a one time thing and I never did it again.
Not too long after school got out this guy that was a little over 3 years older than me said that he liked me and since he was very attractive and I kinda liked him too we started dating. Now, my parents did not aprove of us dating so it had to be a secret. I barely got to see him. We snuck around and did things. after a month he broke up with me out of the blue and since we didn't date that long it wasn't really a big deal to me, Until i found out things. 3 days after we broke up i found out he broke up with me for his ex. His ex and him have a lot of history. They dated for over a year. They had planned on keeping it a secret for a month to spare my feelings. I was so so so upset about that. 4 Days after we broke up he went over to her house, (Did some things i don't want to remember) and then had sex. But the next day he was confused on who he liked and broke up with her. Then he started talking to me again. I forget how many times he bounced back and forth between the two of us. Even though we were broken up he still snuck over and i still snuck out and saw him and we kissed and made out and all that other junk. (Stupid me I know) it was more of a friends with benifits kind of relationship. But since we decided to stop doing that I've been downhill. Over the course of a week I've become so depressed it scares me. It's mostly at night. I sit in my thoughts. My friends are not good at distracting me. The other night i got into kind of a lot of vodka because i was so upset and I regretted it whole heartedly the next morning. Since then i decided I was not going to solve my issues with drinking illegally. I've been really really sad everynight this week.
Last night was the worst of them all. For some reason I was just sooooo upset. I got so frustrated I overwhelmed myself. I didn't know what else to do. I clenched my teeth, crossed my arms infront of my chest, and dug my long nails into my biceps. After about 30 seconds of that i uncrossed my arms and started scratching violently at my right forearm under my wrist. I did this for 10 minutes not being able to stop for anything. When I had enough my arm was in a lot of pain. I turned on the light to assess the damage. There was skin broken and it was really red. Lots of skin broken. It lookes like i took a dull knife and tried cutting my flesh. No blood, just raw skin. I had never done that before. I had never hurt myself that badly. After that I just curled into a ball and fell asleep.
The next day I had work to do so I got ready like normal but tried my best to hide my arm from my mother and sister. If they noticed it they didn't ask questions. I didn't get asked a lot of questions at work either. I worked to hide it but After about an hour i just forgot about it completely. Only one person asked about it but they didn't ask too much because i didn't want to answer anything.
Tonight I feel okay. But I feel like I would do it again if I couldn't handle myself again. If I were to overwhelm myself again i don't think i'd be able to hold back. I want to be thinner.
My family doesn't know anything about me. Most of my time consists of being locked in my room with my computer. They don't know i'm depressed. I'm pretty sure they saw the injuries on my forearm but they didn't ask questions or seem concerned about it at all. I'm not close to my parents at all. I get yelled at for stupid pointless things. I don't like being around them. So i lock myself in my room away from everyone.
If anyone has any advice for me that would be great on how I can work on getting better. This was really long and if you actually read it all I appreciate it. Someone please give me some advice?

Last edited by jessica97; July 13th 2012 at 06:44 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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Re: These things just Started. I need help before it sets in too deep. SH, ED, Anxiety, Depression. - July 14th 2012, 05:10 PM

Hey Jessica, I'm going to try to help you, but I just wanted you to know that I read it. Given what you've been through recently, your emotions are expected and normal to a certain extent, but what's concerning is the way you're dealing with them. I'm glad you don't want to drink or harm yourself anymore, but I strongly suggest talking to someone or trying to get professional help. I know it's summer now, but when school starts again maybe try your guidance counselor. For now is there anyone else you can talk to if your parents aren't an option? Like a relative, friend, or friend's parent?


Member Since: September 19, 2007
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"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
jessica97 Offline
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Re: These things just Started. I need help before it sets in too deep. SH, ED, Anxiety, Depression. - July 15th 2012, 01:34 AM

I have two friends that I talk to. One is a member on this website and we help each other. She needs more help than I do and somtimes talking to her makes me feel worse.
The other person I talk to is my best friend. He's always here for me. But other than that I don't have anyone to talk to. My family and most of my friends have no idea I am like this.
   
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Re: These things just Started. I need help before it sets in too deep. SH, ED, Anxiety, Depression. - July 17th 2012, 10:31 AM

Hey Jessica, that sounds like an awful thing to have gone through and I agree that your emotions seem human.

Iím glad youíve not kept up hurting yourself, thatís very strong of you.

I think what Kateís saying is really important. You need supportive people around you to help you cope.
Perhaps you could visit your Dr - I know where I live you get free referrals to therapists who you can just vent at about anything. Maybe thatís an option?

I hope your eatingís got better, am thinking of you and promise Iím often here and would love to hear how things have gone for you.
Hope you can get some help 'on the groundí, and maybe this message was a grain of help,

xxx


You can usually find me on my tumblr, Iím here for you (=

   
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