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Soliloquitious Offline
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Unhappy General venting/asking for advice. - July 27th 2012, 08:00 AM

Okay first off this was one of the most horrid things I've had to write in a while so if you're easily upset, just avoid this thread.





I have literally not a single person aside from my mother to explain the situation to nor take advice since I have squandered essentially every single relation I've formed from day one. Everything started to go downhill when I was in elementary school, the exact year escapes my mind as do most of my childhood memories. My father and I had to take a sudden trip to Florida, the reason at the time was beyond my understanding. It turned out that my grandmother on his side was in a severe state of manic depression along with bi-polar tendencies. Keep in mind I was only 10 or so at the time, and we had to not only see a hotel room filled with a rough estimate of $10,000 worth of random junk, but also had to visit and retrieve her from a psychic ward looking no different from a prison. The impact of the whole situation seemed to hit me gradually as I aged, from a loss of interest in anything related to academics, to basically lacking any sort of passion or desire for friends. Obviously that set me on what would be a misguided and unfortunate path later on. Those that I used to find as great company became simple tools for me to dispose of when it seemed fit. Even a simple pleasant conversation turned into something entirely beyond my grasp. Joy simply couldn't be dredged out of me. Sure I could throw on a fake smile and pretend to be attentive, yet it was almost as if I was never there. Then I was introduced to the life destroying substance known as hard alcohol along with extreme amounts of cannabis around the age of 16. (Here's the kicker, my own mother would purchase the liquor for me, as if to quiet my needs without effort on her part.) And at the same time my father slowly began to regress into the equivalent of a toddler, completely disappearing mentally when I was about 17. We assume it was from Pick's Disease or a sub-type of Dementia however, the insurance company wouldn't cover the one scan that could prove it. By this time just about everyone I knew, whether family or friend had figured that I had intense hatred for them simply because I hadn't much to say anymore. This was never the case, I literally could not think of things to talk about anymore. So with all lines of support closed to me, and the one person who should be assisting his son unable to even use the restroom on his own, I was left with only my mother. Soon after we began to keep each other company as smoking/drinking buddies. For a while it wasn't a problem until she started to tell me of past experiences with drugs/sex/etc that a child should never know of his parents. Then she has the gall to say I'm like her brother, which I accepted at the time because what else can you do? I could never leave her without support. Shortly after that it began to occur to me that I was pretty much entirely on my own. Its about 2 years past that point now, my father being in an upscale nursing home at only 60, and my mother having relations with random men I have no interest in ever meeting. I've managed to quit drinking quite a while ago and going on about 2 weeks of being clean of cannabis, as well as exercising daily. My main concern is simply that I'll never be able to piece my life back together, or find pleasure in even the most minute of activities. Sure things could be far worse, though time and time again I view the situation in the same dreary light. Both of my parents are deaf so they had to endure additional hardships growing up, and on top of that, my father began to lose it right when he neared retirement. When he could finally appreciate the result of endless years of mundane office work, everything was stripped from him. Yes it may seem petty to put myself into such a state of depression being that I'm in more or less good health, I just cannot find a way out. Its as if the strands that once held everything together started to unravel one after another. Optimism turned into disgust, joy to hate, hope to hopelessness. Certainly some of this can be attributed to my usage of drugs, though sobriety only makes the pain of what's happened all the more apparent.

Pity is not what I'm seeking, only understanding and a bit of moral support while I try to continue to cleanse my body of toxins, whether ingested or mental. Possibly even advice if by random chance someone has been through the same thing.

My sincerest apologies for such dreadful ramblings, I don't know where else to go. A man can only wander alone for so long
   
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Re: General venting/asking for advice. - July 27th 2012, 08:27 AM

First off you are not wandering alone, there are plenty of others wandering right along with you I see where you are coming from I really do and I think I understand what you are needing and I will try my best to help. To me it seems like you are trying you best to get through the life that you happen to be in and thats admirable, many in your situations just give up. Just continue trying keep going and work your way to where you want to be, but first you find out where you want to be and where is that?
   
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Re: General venting/asking for advice. - July 27th 2012, 08:43 PM

I can't thank you enough for the support, having others know what's going on takes a bit off my mind. Honestly I haven't a clue what it is I want. A career path or interest may pop up in my mind for a day or two, disappearing wholly afterwards. Perhaps that'll all change when I start meeting the right people. You've put a smile on my face after entirely too long without, and that is something I can truly appreciate


False hope is no better than dire truth.
   
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