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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CaughtInMyHead Offline
DayDeaming my Life Away
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Question Why Do I Always Feel Like Nothing? - August 14th 2012, 03:46 AM

I was honest with myself a couple days ago and I came to the realization that all I've every wanted was to feel important, different, or special. Almost everything I have done has been in the thought that it might make me something, so I can stop feeling like nothing all the time, it's why I got into acting, it's why I spend most of my time day dreaming about being more than others (horrible I know), it's why I took drugs, and so on. I began thinking I was a lesbian some time back, at first I didn't want to be, but I began to feel a little different (in a good way, like I was unique or something) but I later found I was actually straight. For a while I tried to force myself to like girls, almost all my friends are either gay or bisexual and some are even transgender and I hated being the boring straight girl - no offense. The whole reason I began smoking weed was because my life was so boring and normal, I wanted it to be exciting and different - I wanted to be exciting and different. Just like the lives and people in the stories I write. I get paranoid that everyone wants to be better than me too. My life is just a waste of space, I'm just a waste space, and I just know one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I don't know why I can't just accept myself, why I can't just accept that my life and who I am is completely...normal, boring, nothing. I try to feel special and make my life better, but nothing helps - it's all a temporary fix.
Why can't I stop trying to be special/different/better all the time? Why do I always feel so unimportant and like nothing? Why can't I live with just being normal? (I'm just looking for some insight here)

(By the way, I think it might stem from when I was in middle school and even my childhood. When I was a little girl I always felt very alone and insignificant, I hardly saw my friends. In middle school my brother would beat the crap out me and everyday I would come home from school and he'd tell me how I was nothing, how I was disgusting and worthless, and that I should kill myself. A every time I told my parents my brother was hurting me they'd just call me over dramatic or a liar. My parents have never cared about my problems, not to play the pity card, but I haven't been asked how I was doing in a lone time.)

Thanks so much

Nothing easy is worth doing, but easy would be nice every once in while.
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MikeG Offline
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Re: Why Do I Always Feel Like Nothing? - August 14th 2012, 11:09 PM

Screw your notions that if you don't do anything different, then you aren't special. Being "normal" is quite rare nowadays.

"why I can't just accept that my life and who I am is completely...normal, boring, nothing." If you were boring and normal would I be talking to you? Do you think I would spend time talking to people I didn't believe were ever going to reach something?

You want to feel like everyone's eyes is on you, I understand. But that just isn't going to happen until you stop trying so hard to actually get people to talk to you. See how easy it was to actually write something you thought yourself and post it here? I replied and maybe someone else is going to reply aswell. It doesn't matter how many people even respond to your thread. People read it and that's attention. THey're going to think about it and you're going to be special for that, because you actually broke the chain of silence.

You're getting stay lost and feeling ordinary, because of two reasons. 1. You aren't being who you want to be. 2 .You aren't being yourself. The first one is very hard to do and you will have to reprogram yourself to actually pull it off. The second one, you just did it. It's that easy, just say what you're feeling and you'll show your true self. And I don't care if it's on the internet, on the streets or in the North Pole, there will be someone to recognize it just like I am right now.

"Nothing easy is worth doing, but easy would be nice every once in while."
This is exactly why you aren't realizing that being yourself is really the answer. You're avoiding easy things, because you think that it isn't worth doing. Isn't seeing worth it? Isn't hearing worth it? Isn't tasting worth it? If I lived without my 5 senses, I wouldn't even know I existed.

P.S. Got the perfect image for you, but I can't send the URL because I haven't posted 10 times :P
http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/n...it/Society.jpg here you go

Last edited by MikeG; August 14th 2012 at 11:14 PM. Reason: link
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
ciararnhrt12 Offline
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Re: Why Do I Always Feel Like Nothing? - August 14th 2012, 11:27 PM

Hey chica.,
I completely understand how you want to feel special and different, its feelings that a lot of teens go through, but what none of them realize is that they are special. Not everyone is a stand-out person, theres lots of amazing and unique people that live quiet lives. I hope you can realize that there really is no one like you, I know that I have never meet two people that were the same so I am 100% positive that you are special no matter what anyone thinks or says to you.
As for your brother I honestly think he should be ashamed of how he treated you, whether he was simply jealous of you or going through something in his life the things that he said to you obviously have played a part in how you see yourself today. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him about why he did that, and explain how much it affected you. I really think thats its important to talk with people about the way you are feeling and I am so happy you had the courage to come on here and tell us all about it, its a wonderful first step to rebuilding your confidence and self esteem.
Remember, you are special. Good luck hun!
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