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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ilyasviel Offline
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Just thinking. - September 3rd 2012, 06:11 PM

Got laid off at my college university the school doctor, guidance councillor, my parents and my general psychiatrist all agreed to give me a rest. this happened a few months ago. I've been at home all day just in my room, browsing sites, watching movies, anime, etc...

after being instructed to rest I've laid off all my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pills. They weren't really helping even with those sleeping pills I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I try, now I sleep at 4 or 5am in the morning (even if I sleep I get up after a few hours then sleep again this stuffs kept on repeating). I've been laid off from sleeping pills because I've been using them for quite some time and my body builded a tolerance against it. increasing dosage further and taking it for a long time proves that there would be bad effects. during this rest I've lost a lot of weight despite of being in my room all the day. I usually eat 1 a day and that is 2 hours before going to bed.

I took off all my anti-depressant. I've been switching to different types of medication but nothing really cures my anxiety, to be honest I'm not even depressed. took off all my anti-anxiety meds as I am always locked in my room and I never had any experience with anxiety when I'm in my room.

My GP isn't really good though she used to be my father's GP. It seems like she was guessing on how to help me with my problem. Saying this med with help but nothing helped me. Last time she gave me a lot of free anti-depressant though I guess it's because before that she snapped at me saying I'm the type that gives up and she looks like someone who doesn't believe in what I'm saying, it was very irritating but then again I didn't fought back I just stared at her with a blank face answering her if there's a question. after the session I just walked out of the room normally. Then again I didn't really care about it. I have no intention on coming back but it was needed by my university to get her opinion on my matter, well as I have said I got laid off from school it's been almost a half year now since I've gone.

I spend almost all my day sitting on my computer. to be honest its a lot more fun rather than going outside and trying to socialize with people. One time me and my friends gathered for a bit of party but I was bored as hell, I really wanted to leave but they won't let me saying that it's been a long time since we all gathered. Staying there makes me want to puke, they kept on telling their past experience like some old farts who would die anytime. They commented me on how I have greatly changed they were saying I used to be a very cheerful person and highly active but now it's like I'm emotionless and laid back. They kept on telling me that they wan't the old me back I just told them that it's impossible. I don't like people. conversing with people makes me want to puke. Nobody did understand me before anyway I'm like this even with my parents.

My parents kept on blabbering on how much time will I spend on my college life and telling other people about my condition and the way they put it is very irritating like I am stupid. I told them not to tell anyone but they really never listen. My father keep on saying how much money have been wasted in these drugs and saying that I should help myself. I'm very annoyed with them.
I don't talk to them nowadays, My door is usually closed and they usually come home late anyway. If I say anything or act cheerful they think it would be a good time to barrage me with some insults so I usually stay quiet and talk if they have any question. Being quiet is a lot more convenient,. I have to deal with less people.

I get suicidal thoughts from time to time, though haven't attempted it. I was thinking if I were to kill myself I'll make sure about it in the most fastest way.
but still the internet never kept me bored so the urge was not that high.
Sometimes when I'm really bored I keep on thinking on how to kill myself.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
50ShadesOfBlack Offline
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Re: Just thinking. - September 5th 2012, 11:55 AM

I don't know if I have too much advice to give you(if that's what you're looking for). Honesly, I am pretty much a loner as well, and can't stand being in a group of people for too long. But I love 1-on-1 interaction.
I would however advise you to get out more, see people, even in short bursts. Because realisticly you can't stay in your room and on the cpu forever, and better that you interact with people now when you can control it, than later when you have no choice.

Stuff about me:
1. Sometimes I forget I'm not an expert
2. I ignore "guy/girl preferred." Use whatever pronoun you feel like with me. Don't feel obligated to stick to one.
3. I have few bounderies, sorry if I cross lines. Wasn't intentional.
Ask me anything. I love to share/talk about stuff.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
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Re: Just thinking. - September 6th 2012, 01:16 AM

So in your opinion, what's the problem? I mean, you talked about a lot of things, but I'm not sure what exactly you're looking for help with. You don't seem to be terribly upset about losing your job or being in your room all day, so what ARE you upset about? We could tell you to get out more often, improve your relationships with your parents and friends, and visit another doctor who isn't so abrasive, but those are just ideas on how to change your situation. I'm not sure what YOU actually want to change about your situation at this point in time, so it would be great if you could fill us in. =)

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
ilyasviel Offline
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Re: Just thinking. - September 9th 2012, 05:48 PM

Thank you very much PSY.
After thinking a lot, I have arrived at the conclusion that nothing's wrong.
I may have an issue in trusting people, It maybe not normal to show any emotion.
My lifestyle might be detestable from the norm and unlike many people I couldn't
care less about human relationships. But I love this personality it's way more interesting.
My anxiety might not have been cured as I haven't been able to leave my house
for a very lengthy period of time but soon I will find out after a month I'll be back
to school. A new school.

Sometimes I question my sanity, a lot more than other people do.
I have been told countless times that I am weird, many of them told me
I'm smart. Nevertheless I will continue this facade and if all else fail and
I become a useless parasite in this society I wont hesitate to kill myself,
that is the very least that I could do. Thanks again.
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