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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Michy_Blackrose Offline
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Name: Michy
Age: 29
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Join Date: April 30th 2012

Lightbulb September 29th 2012, 12:05 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey guys, I've recently decided to write a book about my experiences with my mental illnesses, both for the fellow sufferer and for those closest to them, to give them a better idea of the difference in perception and experience that separates them from seeing the world in the way others do.

Honest feedback would be great!

BPD - An Existence Between Worlds

There is a world above, beneath, beyond the physical realm of which we are collectively conscious. There are dark catacombs and hidden spaces in our minds that can consume us and change the entire meaning and purpose of our existence instantaneously. Our thoughts operate in the most complex, cyclical and automatic way, leading to a myriad of feelings erupting outwards from the centre of our being, taking hostage of our entire dysregulated self. We cease to hear. We cease to see. We are so overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of emotion, that we paradoxically cease to feel. The past and the future have been torn away and rendered meaningless; our life and sanity is dependant on this singular, immobilising moment. Anguish, hate and fury pulse rapidly through our veins – the physical and rational have been superceded by a dominant and impenetrable (yet familiar) imposter.

We are driven by an intensity so fierce and omnipotent which seeks to subvert reason, destroy every semblance of empathy so apparent in our ‘other’ self. All colour has faded; all is dark. We are indomitable, oblivious to physical pain and unaffective to whatever was previously around us. It is difficult to convey the gravity these ‘moments’ hold; they have the power to change everything we knew and will know. The prompting factors for this ‘transformation’ are immediately shocking, mentally horrifying and so emotionally unbearable, that ‘it’ must be expressed or internalised. If we suppress it, we become frozen and internally eroded by the emotional trauma. The easier and more common reaction is to express – everything. Dr. Jekyll has transformed into a sociopathic, verbally grotesque and unpredictable monster. A crescendo of intolerable emotion has piqued and destruction is the only feasible course of action, to rid us of this abhorrent usurper.

Some of us will ‘dissociate’ from reality and temporarily operate in parallel mental dimension, or desperately search for anything to hand which can give us relief. In the haze of such a potent state of trauma, we may cease to recognise the world around us; observing the flow of blood from parts of our bodies we have mutilated can give us comfort – both because it confirms on a physical level that we are still ‘alive’ or ‘real’ and gives us a way of controlling the type of pain we are experiencing. Sensory perception of physical pain has been short-circuited and overthrown by our emotional mind, drowning logic and sanity in its wake. Others find emotional and mental sanctuary through substance use, which is inextricably linked to their mental illness. For someone who has lost control over their emotional and mental state, having the power to chemically alter your perception can be destructively empowering and comforting. Chemicals have specific functions, which can be ‘relied’ upon. People, however, are different. Family, friends, partners, bosses, strangers – all are labile and unpredictable.

They way in which people with BPD experience, perceive and react to the world is on a much more highly strung, extreme and chaotic level. In order to cope with abuse or other trauma often present in childhood, alongside the invalidating and changeable nature of those closest to us, we mentally cultivate an alternate, definitive perception of our surroundings and a self-taught mode of behaving. Our minds siphon off painful experiences in our environment, which is a key factor in altering our healthy psychological development. We struggle with opposing emotions, thoughts, actions, which rob us of mental stability and emotional comfort. As we progress through childhood, the traumas that we have suppressed lay blocked off and buried deeply within us, feeding the self learned behaviours which gradually emerge after years of being chronically ingrained and utilised as a way to survive.

These and other elements eventually combine to form a very complex, contradictory and self-sabotaging personality; Borderline.

Personality Disorders cannot be 'fixed' by medication alone. Whilst a pharmacological approach can in many cases be helpful in easing symptomology, such as mood lability, impulsivity, chaotic thinking, transient psychotic episodes and co-morbid disorders such as Depression (Axis I) and Anxiety, there is no particular 'cure' for Axis II disorders. The primary course of treatment is largely Psychological, particularly Dialectical Behavioural Therapy.

As a relatively recent diagnosis, coupled with its controversial credibility in the psychiatric profession, it is the most commonly diagnosed PD in a clinical setting, which most often co-exists with other PDs or Axis I disorders. The most typical co-morbid illness is Depression. The ratio of men to women diagnosed weighs heavily on the side of female sufferers. It is important to note that men are more likely to be misdiagnosed with 'Antisocial Personality Disorder' due to stereotypes attributed to gender. Axis II PDs typically become 'emergent' in females by mid-adolescence and slightly later for males, in early adulthood.

There are 3 main factors which (debateably) feature in the gradual development of BPD.

Primarily, the type of environment in which the sufferer matures is often the basis for the many dysregularities present in a person with BPD. The family environment - often dysfunctional, overbearing, chaotic, neglectful or invalidating - shapes a child's perception of the world, their emotional stability, sense of self and self-worth. In many cases, those with the disorder have little core sense of boundaries. They have had no clear directive from those who raised them, on the 'right' or 'regular' way to behave and cognitively process events - the unpredictability of those around them offering little, if any, security, consistency, clarity or validation from which to build as they grow.

The secondary factor, as opposed to being external, is the biological. Chemical deficiencies in the brain and underdeveloped emotional centres of the brain prompt extreme mood shifts, experiencing emotions much more intensely and a lack of control over impulse are incredibly debilitating for the sufferer. As those with BPD have very labile mood changes, it is common to experience dysphoria, euphoria, rage and anxiety to varying degrees within a single day. Suicidal ideation and worthlessness can instantaneously give way to overpowering feelings of energy, ecstatic joy and a strong 'connection' to a beautiful world where possibilities are limitless. Those are moments in which the sufferer is empowered with a sense of freedom, capability and high self-worth. The world of the Borderline is extreme and often paradoxical or contradictory.

Thirdly, the genetic influence on BPD is evident. Those who qualify for a diagnosis of the disorder, alongside other disorders, are often predisposed to 'inheriting' the disorder by proxy of parental psychopathology. Statistics(?) show that those with a Borderline parent are five times more likely to develop the disorder themselves, alongside co-exisiting mental illnesses.

With very little sense of a stable identity, the only way for a Borderline to adapt, is to form an identity to suit the company or environment, which greatly influences the 'self' they present. Far from being fickle, it is an automatic response which can leave the sufferer confused, frustrated or feeling that their chameleon-like identities are purely facades. In each situation, there is a 'role' to fulfil and demeanour to adapt, which is often genuinely meant but holds no stable value. A lack of self is directly linked to the way in which those with BPD perceive and act in interpersonal relationships. The identity crises, chronic emptiness and lack of fulfilment or purpose transforms into a need for validation by proxy of (often) very volatile and dependant relationships, sexual gratification, misplaced affection, obsession with an overarching need to be protected and cared for and appreciated. The needs that were not met in earlier years are tirelessly sought, often with negative outcomes. Others confirm a Borderline's existence and are crucial in providing a template from which to form a self which a Borderline would not naturally have a sense of, within. Partners can become a life-force for the sufferer - a dependant/necessity - simultaneously smothered by affection when 'idealised' and ruthlessly 'demonized' or 'devalued' after triggering event. The high expectations and complete emotional investment that is placed upon close friends or partners, who are put on a pedestal from which there is a significant drop.

For the Borderline, there are no half-measures in terms of their emotional needs, which end up being sabotaged as a direct consequence of the dysregulated manner in which the sufferer seeks to fulfil them.

And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became.


Last edited by PSY; October 1st 2012 at 11:35 PM. Reason: Merged posts for work-in-progress.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Re: BPD - Between Worlds. - September 29th 2012, 12:35 PM

Wow, this is amazing! The way you strung your words together and the sentence structure is all perfectly correct in the sense they should be used. Keep writing! I can't wait to read more!


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
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Tigereyes Offline
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Re: BPD - Between Worlds. - October 1st 2012, 12:17 AM

This is really good! It was very interesting to read, and I would love to read more too.

"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
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