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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Asteria Polemoi Offline
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Possible Personality Disorders? - October 7th 2012, 09:43 PM

Please don't laugh or ridicule me.

I'm not old enough to be diagnosed with anything, but I think I might be developing things. I can identify with most of AvPD and OCPD symptoms. Even HPD and NPD and PPD and DPD are high up there, but I know I can't be developing all of them.

For the longest time now, I've felt that something isn't right. Like there's just something wrong with my brain. I try to show off, but I'm also terrified in social situations. For example, I can be the lead in a play because I can sneak away through the chaos to avoid anybody, but if its in a smaller group I'll freak out, especially when I'm not being listened to and instead being talked too.

I guess I'll go through and say how I match up.

Paranoid:
  • I have a lot of problems trusting people. I'm so, so sure they hate me. You can tell me you like me and I won't believe you. I know I'm not very likable so my friends have to hate me and they're only hanging around because they feel bad. I'm sure my family doesn't like me and they only act like they do because they want to be a good family. Nobody talks to me, so why would any of my "friends" do so?
  • One reason I won't tell people things is because if we aren't "friends" currently or anymore, they can totally use it against me.
  • They're planning to hurt me. They're all lying to me about liking me. They're laughing at me behind my back.
  • I'm not a very "forgive-and-forget" person. I will always remember what you did to me.
  • I have a hard time accepting compliments because I can find something that's sneering at me. I'm always hesitant at laughing at things because I have to make sure it wasn't a mean joke at me.

Dependent:
  • I have a really hard time expressing what I feel if it goes against what someone else says. It could be something silly, like they like mint ice cream and I don't, and even then I'll falter because I don't want to say anything that will make them think any less of me.
  • I can do some things on my own, but I have a real hard time with it. I usually have to have someone reminding me to work or pushing me. It's especially difficult because I hate working with people, but I need someone to keep telling me, "Emily, go finish that."
  • I'm terrified living by myself. I need someone to be living with me and help me function. I've spent weeks worrying about when I turn 18 because I know everything is going to change.
  • Having to live by myself really makes me feel uncomfortable and scared. I don't want to do things by myself, but this is really difficult considering how I hate working with others and I'm to scared to talk to people in the first place.

Histrionic:
  • Now this is kind of weird to explain. See, if I can be the center of attention without anyone talking to me afterwards, that is totally fine. If I'm in the center of a group and nobody will talk to me afterwards, that is totally fine. If it's a smaller group of people or after a performance and people talk to me, that is when I freak out. So when I'm with a familiar group of small people or in a production and not the center of attention, that's when I get really antsy and frustrated.
  • I have a lot of mood swings. I mean, in thirty minutes I'll have this really shallow happiness and then get angry over something that isn't most likely worth it and then be really upset over something probably not worth it and then it'll restart. I'm also sort of bad at showing it. I won't necessarily run around and make sure everybody knows it, but I'll just act sort of... meh.
  • That being said, I sometimes exaggerate my emotions.
  • I'm pretty easily influenced about things, most likely because I don't want to be ridiculed for disagreeing.

Narcissistic:

First, I just want to say I don't think I would have this for multiple reasons, but there are some symptoms that I feel like I can relate too... so.
  • I will exaggerate anything and everything to make myself look better or too make you feel bad or something.
  • I am rather occupied by fantasies of being famous.
  • I pretend to be humble, and I do have a low self-esteem, but when I'm out in public I just feel so superior in my academic and music abilities and it bothers me when others think they're as good as I am.
  • I need a lot of compliments even though I have a hard time accepting them.
  • I expect to be treated better.
  • I've been called manipulative, even though I can't think of any instances. Apparently I do it a lot, though.
  • I have a really hard time empathizing.
  • If you're better, I will envy you. And I know that people are envious of me, and that's one of the reasons why they hate me.
  • I've been called arrogant too.

Obsessive-Compulsive:
  • I am super obsessed with rules and details.
  • Another reason I have a hard time finishing things is because nothing ever turns out the way I want it too. It's never good enough. I am never pleased with what I make and usually end up throwing the whole thing away.
  • I am anything but a rule-breaker. If I get in trouble, I will start crying, no matter if I got a lecture or a gentle warning. It bothers me when people break the rules. They're there for a freaking reason.
  • I have a really, really hard time throwing things away. I have every paper from middle school in my room. I have paint cards saved and pictures and stories and such from elementary school still and so on. My mom and I usually get into arguments because I won't get rid of things I don't use or are super old and worn out. I've been told multiple times to get rid of things like my baby blanket but I won't listen.
  • The second reason I won't work in groups is because nobody ever does anything right. Teachers have gotten mad a me because I allow people to do nothing and I do everything myself. Every time I try to listen to others, I get lower grades than what I get from doing by myself. I would rather have a 100% than even a 99% if that's what the group gets me. Usually its much lower.
  • I am very miserly with money. Spending even a dollar on something not needed or something bothers me. Even buying things for myself is hard.
  • When I'm not trying to please everybody by agreeing with them, I'm very stubborn.

And finally, Avoidant:
  • I don't like interacting with anybody, whether online or in real life, because I'm scared of being criticized. Posting this is really hard for me, because I'm really scared that somebody is going to think this is utterly ridiculous and hate me for thinking I have something I don't. In real life, I also comply to people because I'm scared they're going to hate me for my opinions.
  • Everybody hates me, therefore I rarely ever make friends because I know if I talk to someone they'll hate me even more.
  • Another reason I won't tell you things is because I know I'll be ridiculed. Once again, it's really hard for me to post this because of that. But it's better to hide behind a screen then to be laughed out of the counselor's office or be called stupid by my mom for believing something might be wrong with me.
  • I feel so stupid and lame talking to people, to a point where I end up crying in the bathroom for being such a failure in life even if they don't say anything. To solve that problem, I don't talk to people, a third reason why I don't work in groups.
  • I'm totally inferior to people socially. I'm not likable and people hate me because I'm stupid.

Sorry that was so long. It could've been longer if it weren't for the fact I was getting tired and I really need to finish my school project and I've been on the internet for a really long time.

Advice or thoughts, please? Thanks.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 8th 2012, 03:10 PM

Hey Emily, I know how difficult it can be growing into a fractured personality, I have 'classic' BPD and Depression with anxiety and OCD traits. It's good that you're so self-aware in terms of your mental states, but unfortunately PDs are are a specific group of Mental Disorders, which can't be diagnosed anywhere until you're 18 (the age around when a person's personality is said to be formed).

Definitely look into groups or clinics which have PD clients.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 8th 2012, 04:31 PM

Michy is right, you are really going to have to wait until you are older and see how things play out. Parts of puberty can mimic a lot of personality disorders to a key. But, because they are caused by puberty, they will go away as you get older. So while you may identify with symptoms now, they could be completely gone in five years.

I highly recommend you talk to your school counselor about how you feel. They can give you some advice with some of your self-described social setbacks. And if they feel that you are exhibiting signs of something more serious than they can help you sit down with your parents and discuss seeing a psychologist.




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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 10th 2012, 01:07 AM

Well, the reason why they wait until you're 18 to diagnose these things is because during your teenage years, your personality is still in development. Your traits could easily change in the next four years, or they may not. It's very hard to determine if they will change or not, so professionals feel it's safest to wait it out, instead of misdiagnosing (and possibly medicating, unnecessary therapy, money spent, etc.] a personality disorder in someone who still needs to develop into their true personality, pretty much.

As Lizzie said, if you're really struggling with some of these traits, perhaps seeing a counselor could be useful, or possibly even a therapist. Talking it out with someone who has most likely seen these things before could be beneficial.


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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 10th 2012, 01:29 AM

All the above posters are right. You need to just be patient. If you want to message me, I'm here. I'm no jerk.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Asteria Polemoi Offline
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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 11th 2012, 01:32 AM

Thanks everyone. I've been wanting to talk to the counselor, but I've been really nervous too. Like I'll walk by the office and just leave because I'm really afraid of talking to her and looking like an idiot.


"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

Feel free to message me anytime. I would love to talk with you.
   
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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 11th 2012, 02:33 AM

Well if you're suffering through anything, even if it's something trivial, they are there to help. Keep that in mind.


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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 11th 2012, 01:16 PM

I'd talk to the counsellor - it's unlikely that she'd be able to say 'yes you have this disorder' or 'no you don't', but maybe getting it off your chest to a professional would help you make more sense of it? In addition to what the others said, as with many things, PDs are on a spectrum. When I was diagnosed, my psych nurse told me that people are likely to see parts of themselves in some of the criteria. Remember, you are young, and your personality is developing and changing while you try to find out who you are at this time in your life.

Thinking of you xx
   
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Re: Possible Personality Disorders? - October 12th 2012, 11:32 AM

The main focus of your worries is with people and yesterday I realized something that could help you. I also have problems with people, mostly because they don't seem to see who I really am and begin to make false ideas of me and that makes me angry. But you need to remember that you're not the only human that is in that situation. Everyone wants to be the spotlight in some way. In your case, you want recognition from the people that you already know or are close to you and maybe even from the people that you still don't know, but since you're "scarred" from past experiences and plagued with negative prejudices about them, you automatically assume certain things about them.

Imagine you are with someone. Be it a stranger or an old friend. If you don't show interest for them, then they have a lower chance to reciprocate. Go out with friends and no matter how close you are to them, if you are neutral or negative throughout the whole event, then they will eventually stop talking to you. Now imagine that you are that someone. Wouldn't you act like I described? I mean, wouldn't you rather be with someone else? If they don't approach you, then they aren't interested, so why waste my time with them?

The thing is that it's all in the mind. You manage to talk and feel good with your friends, because it's something that's been on your mind for years. You have positive ideas of your friends and unfortunately you have negative ideas of strangers. If you're scared that when you're 18 you'll be alone, then you have 4 years to work on this. It's hard, especially if you have had several negative experiences, but you need to do this. If I had known this when I was 14, I would be a different man now. Use this opportunity to do something, believe me it becomes harder if you ignore it.
   
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