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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Name: Jay
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Is this possible? - October 16th 2012, 05:58 AM

I apologise for the long message guys but I really would like help with this.
Okay, today I was contemplating telling one of my favourite teachers about my self harm and of my suicidal intentions, but chickened out because I HATE talking about what I'm feeling. Yeah, I'm a chick and I hate showing emotions, may have given you a pause there but keep reading. In fifth period, I lent my calculator to a friend and she sat at the front of the room and I sat at the back. I decided I might as well try and do my work but I wouldn't concentrate, I forced myself to try anyway. So I went to the front and I stayed there while putting the equation into the calculator, but then my friend saw and started punching me in the arm and I was like 'ah, ee, ow! What the hell was that for?' and she pointed, my eyes went wide and I shrank away murmuring, 'I don't want to talk about it'. I felt sick that she'd seen the cuts but they ARE quite noticable
Anyway, I had another equation to figure out and went to the front again. My friend asked me why I had done it. I didn't answer, didn't even look her in the eye but I saw her fist coming and dodged and then a guy (I don't know if this was on purpose or not) tripped me (I should mention I'm used to being tripped up) anyway, I nearly smacked my head into a table which could have killed me instantly (my illness). But I managed to regain my balance and spun on him screaming 'You fucking CU**!" I sat down, and I was getting teary. I quickly turned my head back to my work. The teacher, Mister N, didn't see what had happened but heard my language and told me to go outside. I slammed my hands down on the table as I stood up but started sobbing as I ran from the classroom, slamming the door behind me. I could barely hold myself up, using the railing, I was bent, cobbing over it, tears leaking down my cheeks. The teacher came out, told me he had seen the cuts (I'd seen him notice and wasn't quick enough to hide them). Anyway, so I was crying to him, and it slipped out I was feeling extremely suicidal so he wanted to send me to the guidance councilor. I said maybe later. My knees were shaking and when I lifted one hand it was shaking visibly my friend was even worried. (this was after I had calmed down, sitting outside for a bit).
So, after class, an ex friend of mine came up and was asking me a maths question and I said 'look I can't even think right now' I was still on the verge of tears, people continually asking if I was okay made me feel insanely close to tears and even had moist eyes again.
Anyway I finally walked away after she called me a bitch and she hurried after my friend to ask her. I ran into a friend of mine, a sexist asshole I don't even know why I'm still friends with him, and he yelled out sandwiches (I had been having to put up with him telling me to get back in the kitchen and to make him a sandwich).
I spun around and stormed over to him, screaming 'if you want a fucking punch to the head I'll do it! I'll fucking kill you' I fucking wanted to strange the son of a bitch! I really did. And then I found myself walking after them and J kept turning around and they stopped in the middle of the stairs (him and a mate) and I shoved them and told them to 'fucking move'. I shoved passed them and stormed off to class, fuming.

Is it possible to have a melt down this massive because after that I was a bit more calmer and laughing a bit with the guidance councilor (my maths teacher rang for her and she came to my last class and took me from it).
I know I bottle up my emotions a lot but is it possible to blow up like this? I felt homicidal!
And suicidal at the same time. Sort of a danger to myself when I was in this mood. But, now I'm sort of calmer but want to cry again my emotions have been rubbed raw and I feel like I'm going through the fucking motions leading to death.

Help me. Please. Could this be bipolar or to do with bottling up every little emotion and those I can't feel anymore?

Help.

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Is this possible? - October 16th 2012, 05:51 PM

Hey, I've had times like this as well - do you think part of it could be about people having seen your cuts? I know that I used to get upset and angry if anyone saw or asked about it. It could be down to bottling it all up - I once had a day where I was up at 6am, and cried non stop until I was sent home from college at 11. And if you felt a little better afterwards, it points to that even more. Having said that - It's no wonder you were angry after being tripped! I hope that having the guidance counsellor will help too
   
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