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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mortesar Offline
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Is this as normal as I think it is? - October 17th 2012, 07:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello, again.
I have sought help from here before but at that time I didn't get a straight answer because I didn't state a real question. But I'm willing to try again.
First I'm going to talk about my background a little...
While reading what I write try to keep a rational and sane mind.

My story starts from my earliest memories, when I was bullied in kindergarten. Constantly. Everyone thought of it as usual kids playing and having fun. They turned blind eye to everything happening to me. I got literally beat up once... I was 6.
Times moved on and I started school. I had gained one friend who protected me and basically kept me alive. For most of the time, everyone made fun of me and so on.. I'm a male with a pretty average, a little better looking body than most. That wasn't the thing they joked about. It was just that I had been beaten down and no one cared. Looking back, maybe people would have cared if I would have talked about my problems. I kept them hidden so no one would worry about me. I attempted suicide when I was 8, I failed to cause myself any real harm but the memories stay.
At some point I took Karate lessons and got pretty good at it. I had the third tier belt. It was my only salvation.
I still didn't protect myself because I didn't want to. It would have been of no use, I knew that even then. I think it was in seventh grade when I finally fought back. The bullying had lessened and I had gotten some courage. I beat one guy up pretty good, broke his knee with a kick..
Of course everybody was really surprised but once I told them everything they just ignored the incident..
The bullying stopped completely after that but the damage was already done.

I have a really rational mind, I have always had. I know that there are many things wrong with me mentally.. Many of these problems are what I have caused to myself.
I don't drink almost at all, I have tried smoking but it wasn't any real help and other drugs are quite expensive.. I have tried some but I know not to do it any more because it could only make the situation worse.

I go to school like any other guy, I dress normally, I have friends, I live in a nice house owned by my parents and so on.. I'm addicted to computers and I'm willing to do anything to have the right to use all of my free time to use them. Maybe it's effect is amplified by the fact that computers do exactly what I tell them to. Maybe it's just my passion.

So it's a quite normal story so far that many have lived through... Why did I classify my problem as mental health one?
It's about the way I see things, the way I interpret them.. I am totally convinced that life is pointless. If I was to take up a debate with a deeply religious person, my views would probably win. (I do understand the reasons for religion, that's not the reason why I wrote that sentence. It's more like to make you see just how bad it is.)

I'm sure there are many people like me out there and that it's quite normal to think like this. I have lived with the thoughts of ending my life for a real long time. I haven't done it because I respect other people's right to be happy.
What makes my situation really bad is that everything seems the same. It's as if I know how everything works and why everything happens.
There is nothing new to this life. The same old every day.. I know why I wake up every day, I know why I have exactly the thought I do at any unspecified moment. I could analyze my behavior to the level of something happening a decade ago.. It's like some people have a fear of something because they were deeply frightened about the thing in earlier age.

For example: For me all computers are the same. They compute. Your calculator minus unimaginable amount of processing power equals to a supercomputer in top 500... It doesn't matter if you are adding 3 to 4 or moving a mouse on your table to move the cursor on the screen on your pc.. It's all just making predefined calculations. Most of the time I treat humans as computers too.. We are just running some programs to interact with the world by predefined rules that make us commit seemingly random actions.

Or another one for people without any technological knowledge: Pleasure is basically the exact same thing as pain. Exactly same things feel them, the difference is how we think it is. If you didn't teach a child what pleasure or pain is, he/she wouldn't know it. It would feel exactly the same as every other touch. One more intense than the other.

There is nothing to look forward to. I know what I'm going to think and feel in the rest of my life already.. What varies is just the circumstances..

I have tried a lot of things. Suggesting me to try something that's supposed to be new is not going to help.
Should I see a professional? I don't think it would help. Last time I wanted to, I had to unfortunately skip the appointment.
Is this as normal as I think it is?
It's not like I couldn't live my life as I have so far.. Just it's quite annoying to know it all and not to do anything about it.
Or maybe someone has a similar problem and can relate? Maybe we could talk and learn some new angle from each other?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
FrankieBird200 Offline
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Re: Is this as normal as I think it is? - October 18th 2012, 01:51 AM

Yeah, I have much the same problem. I get what you say about life seeming pointless, and thinking about ending your life. I've always shied away from suicide thoughts because I couldn't do that to the people who love me, even if I in many ways blame them for the problems I have.

Take my parents for example. I love them, I love them both to the end of the world. But when they're together, I don't like them. They argue. They disagree. They wake me and my sister up in the middle of the night because someone, oh, knocked over a candle and then wouldn't stop apologising, which escalates into shouting and crying. And when you feel like shit and finally come to terms that this isn't normal, day to day stuff, the first thing you do is look for a cause. They're one of them.

I can also relate to what you said about being bullied. I totally, totally understand that one. Except I didn't learn karate. I just ignored them or smiled and laughed through it. That's one of the most scary things I've found about being bullied. The more I laugh, the more upset I am - of all things, they took laughter away from me.

And yes, people are like machines, aren't they? Complex, complex machines. But amazing machines, sometimes, (if you'll excuse how doctor who that sounds). Ever heard the phrase 'a fake smile becomes a real one when someone else smiles back'? I guess that's my advice. Smile, live life to the full, and accept that mental illness doesn't get better in a day. That's what got me through it. Or better, anyhow

As for professional's.... do it if your ever brave enough. And don't be disheartened if someone says you don't have a problem, because they really is no such thing as completely problem less, and they don't know enough anyway if they say so.

I loved hearing your post. It made me feel a lot less alone. Thankyou for being brave enough to share.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
mortesar Offline
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Re: Is this as normal as I think it is? - October 18th 2012, 06:04 AM

Just like everyone else: Thinking that there are other people like me out there and knowing so are very different feelings.. Thanks.
I found myself someone who made me feel a little better but she left my life about a week ago. This lasted nearly half a year :/
Not like make me better but rather make me forget... This has been the best medication so far.
I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can.. So I wouldn't have to think about anything..
I know it is a problem and no one could convince me otherwise. I just want to know others opinion about how common it is and what I should do for help..
If anyone thinks they know a name for this condition, please say so.. No, I'm not going to sue you if you are wrong. Thanks.
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