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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
kyliegurl1994 Offline
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Name: Kylie Caitlyn Erin
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Stuck in a world that doesn't understand - January 8th 2013, 08:40 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel so misunderstood not only by my friends and family but also those who are supposed to help me. I don't tell even my closest friends what is really up with me, although they know I am in really deep with mental illness as is evidence from the 13 very bad scars on me left wrist. Few people know that I have several mental illnesses. I still have a really tough time dealing with them, that is the reason they are sending me to Canada for an extensive four month treatment program. The people that I do tell have a really hard time understanding, I think the way mental illness is portrayed on the tele and all the bad publicity it all gets has a big impact on how people view mental illness.

My adoptive dad is at his wits end with me, his immediate reaction is to call 999 for help. I was adopted when I was 11 having been taken from me mother when I was 8 for severe neglect, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My dad has called 999 over 200 times since I was 13. This leads to interactions with the garda (police) every time and they are getting sick of me as well. They are constantly reminding me of the fact they have been called so many times. It is always the same I act out and my dad calls 999, the garda arrives and most of the time I am taken to hospital in handcuffs where I wait to see a physician who talks to me for five minutes and sends me on my way. The problem is the garda is getting more violent with me. Just last week I was pushed onto the road with great force resulting in severe bruising and cuts on my arm, legs and head. My psychiatrist wants to set up meetings to educate them on my mental health problems. I myself am scared of how things are beginning to unfold when ''help'' is called. My dad has attended classes and appointments to learn how to cope without calling in reinforcements but none of it has worked, and yes I know that it is my responsibility to control myself but you have no idea how difficult it is to be me and the struggles I face, especially since I was sexually assaulted when I was 14.

My medical professionals consist of a psychiatrist, therapist, eating disorder counsellor, a general doctor and a nutritionist. This is helpful but again everyone doesn't seem to get me and are always on edge about how to help me. I do take A LOT of medications to control my bipolar disorder but still have ''break through'' episodes. In August I quit my meds for two and a half weeks and things went really bad, I fought with a garda officer over a knife I was using to hurt myself and ended up with three charges against me and now am on probation for a year after spending 18 days in jail. I am only able to fly to Canada under special authorization for medical intervention.

I so just want out of my life. I can't take this anymore for real, I constantly think about suicide and hurting myself (cutting) thats why I have had so many suicide attempts in my life I have tried everything [Edited]. I am often asked how I am still here and I reply that the problem is no one will let me go. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so alone and like no one will ever get me. I so want those in me life to get me and why I am who I am. I also really fear I am not deserving to be happy...I feel guilty when I am happy. I hope someone gets this all, I don't want pity thats not why I am posting this, I really have no idea why I wanted to post just to get it off my chest I guess.

Last edited by PSY; January 13th 2013 at 11:48 PM. Reason: Removed descriptions of suicide attempts.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Stuck in a world that doesn't understand - January 13th 2013, 11:55 PM

Hello, Kylie!

It was very brave of you to share your story with us - I want to congratulate you on doing that, first and foremost. Second, I am sorry to hear that the "system," both legally and medically, has let you down for the most part. For what it's worth, I'm glad that you ARE in the "system," because as scary and challenging as it can be at times, it makes people aware that you need help. This treatment center in Canada will hopefully be the turnaround point for you.

I'm glad your psychiatrist wants to educate the police officers. I also hope they will speak to your adoptive father again, as calling 999 seems to be an unnecessary step at times. When your father calls 999, are you aware of what you are doing? Do you have any control over yourself? If so, would it be possible, at those times, to ask your father to take you directly to the hospital, vs. calling 999 and having the police officers take you there? Unfortunately, if you are violent at those times, then I'm not sure there's anything else that can be done. While the police officers' tactics may be wrong, they are ultimately trying to save your life and protect your father from possible harm. Again, that's why I'm glad your psychiatrist wants to educate the police officers.

When you go to this treatment program in Canada, I imagine you'll learn a lot of things... information about medication compliance, education about the nature of your mental illness(es), coping mechanisms (healthy and unhealthy [like self-harm]), and how to deal with the stigma of having mental illness(es). Unfortunately, you'll face this just about everywhere you go, even though it's estimated that 1 in 4 adults suffer from a mental illness. Something you might want to look into, while in Canada and upon returning to Ireland (if you plan to return to Ireland), is joining support groups for mental illness. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what it feels like to be misunderstood, and seeing how those people have taken steps to live more satisfying lives, can be very beneficial. The United States has groups like NAMI for that very reason (actually, NAMI also does a great deal to educate the general public about mental illness... so maybe YOU could be the one to educate police officers and other groups of people in the future, once you are well on the road to recovery).

I wish you all the best in the weeks/months to come. Hang in there - life IS worth living, and YOU are worth it! Do what's right for yourself, and keep seeking help.

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Re: Stuck in a world that doesn't understand - January 16th 2013, 05:00 PM

Hey, Kylie, I'm sorry to hear of the position you see yourself in.
I know what's it like to feel so left out when people just don't understand what you're mentally going through. It's a horrible feeling, a hopeless one too.
Although, there are things you can do.
Private consultations may help, depending on your situation.
Ireland, unfortunately, doesn't have the best services for dealing with your kind of problems, which is why these things happen. Perhaps the Canadian treatment may help more than anything here.

I agree completely with you about the portrayal of mental health in entertainment and media, but unfortunately that's just the world we live in.

I wish you the best, and hope things work out for you.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
kyliegurl1994 Offline
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Re: Stuck in a world that doesn't understand - January 16th 2013, 08:14 PM

Robin, I am not always in control of myself, I often 'zone out' and am numb to what I am doing. I am totally on auto pilot when I am hurting myself. It is like I am not in my own body and what I am doing does not hurt or really register. My dad finding me is one of the things that breaks my daze. He unfortunately reacts immediately by calling for help. There have been a few times I have went with him willingly, but I usually do not want to go to the hospital. Even when I have overdosed or cut my wrists I am very reluctant to go to get assistance. My dad especially goes into a panic mode and does not know how to manage his own emotions and actions. He seems to live off of my emotions and crisis. It really is not a good situation.

Going to the hospital is a huge waste of time for me, the doctors know me well and I am known as a 'frequent flyer'. Everyone is to the point of frustration with me, I am often accused of being a 'drama queen' and have many times been accused of acting out for attention. When taken to the hospital I usually sit around for 4 or 5 hours before being seen and the doctors are like 'I know you and have dealt with you before and know you will not go home and hurt yourself again...' So then I am released to my dads care and go home.

I will say that I am much better than I was a few years ago. I rarely fight back with the garda, I often come out of my daze and tell my dad what I have done, I have a 'safety box' (which has things to distract me from harming myself, like puzzles, art paper and paints and pencil crayons, word games, and stuff like that.) My psychiatrist came up with it, and I use it a lot and helps most of the time, like 90% of the time. I also have a self harm plan that has steps to follow in case of urges to self harm before I personally call for help.

My bipolar disorder is controlled for the most part, by medications. My PTSD is very much uncontrolled, as well as my Bulimia, and borderline personality disorder (traits-like self harm). I also suffer from uncontrolled social anxiety disorder, which can be very debilitating at times. Needless to say mental health wise I am a very complex case, but I am trying to get better...I am being fully funded for this program in Canada so I am just waiting to get a date, and I can't stay in Canada afterwards because of my criminal record.

Day like today I feel good about myself and I want to make the right choices in my life. I am frustrated that I have missed a full year of university because of waiting for the Canadian program, but plan to attend university after my treatment. I plan to become a social worker to help others like I have been helped. I currently see a psychiatrist, social worker, eating disorder councillor, nutritionist and regular doctor, so needless to say I have a full team working with me. Today I feel exhilarated to be positive which feels great and guilty at the same time...

I hope everyone is well
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Stuck in a world that doesn't understand - January 19th 2013, 03:26 AM

I have read this earlier but felt people already put everything that I would say. I love to see a positive attitude or that you have had one at least! I can tell you on the feeling nobody understands.. People have always been different towards those they know have mental health issues. I felt so alone for so long and had a therapist but honestly that one never made me feel like she understood or cared. I can honestly say when you do have a team of people like you probably will get in Canada things get easier to see. I recently found someone who got me back into counseling after a good two year break. That man truly cared for me and brought another amazing person in my life. She constantly reminds me I am not alone and the thing is she has been through most the same things. There are people who understand you just might not be in the right place. Maybe when you go to the university and are well educated and everything with you mental health you will find those types of people who are supportive.

I love the idea you one day want to help someone who struggles the way you do and help them. I think that is an amazing thing and something to strive for!! I hope you the best of luck traveling to Canada and the travels back to Ireland and everything else in between!! I hope you find the answers to things that you need while you are getting treated!!

feel free to PM me...

Always keep a smile on your face and Lots of love in you heart! <3

Dont wear a mask and suffocate
take it off and breathe

Earth without ART is just EH...
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