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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SortaPsychotic Offline
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Exclamation I have a few questions about something that has been concerning me. - February 23rd 2013, 06:12 AM

Lately I have been wondering if I should be concerned. I know I should be, but I am just wondering to what degree. I have always had this issue since I was a kid, but the older I got the less noticeable it got; I was even starting to forget about it. But over the past few months, it has came back and is significantly worse than before. I would just appreciate it if some of you guys would comment telling me your opinion on the matter. Also, this will be very long, so bare with me, but I feel it needs to be that way for you to understand the circumstances well enough. Now, onto the problem.

I feel I might be a sadist. I might as well start from the beginning, so here goes nothing. When I was little, I had some weird obsessions. For example, I used to be obsessed with medical equipment, which is coming back but not in the same way. I used to be obsessed with things like casts and ace bandages, just things like that. I mean obsessed. It's all I did. Now I like the more scientific part of it all, and things like scalpels, syringes. I love those things, and would love to get my hands on them.

My mom told me that when I was little I didn't really play with toys. I would often just get into things, and play with objects. I do not know how relative that will be, but I figured I would add it in. My weirdest and probably longest lasting obsession of all is an obsession of restraints. I used to have fantasies about tying people up, or imagine myself in the position personally. I would also try to act those things out on dolls since that was the closest thing I could get. I did it quite a lot. When I got a little older and had a DSi I would look up pictures of these things, I loved it.

This died down when I got to be in 6th grade, but now that I am in 8th and beginning to change my interests, it is coming back. Thinking of restraining people just thrills me and send chills down my spine. I now think of a much larger variety of ways to go about it, and I really like thinking about it. The thought seems to slip in more and more.

When I was little, something might have happened.... I am not sure if it is the cause or not, but it could be related. I am not going to tell the whole story; I can't. But I will say parts. When I was little, like always I wouldn't listen to my parents and wouldn't stop climbing on the counter. I slipped off the chair I was using to get up, and smacked my face off the counter. It cut open just above my eye, and I had to get stitches. I don't remember anything but right before I fell, the first and worst part when I was getting the stitches, and I thought I knew the event that followed.

When I went to get my stitches, now that I think back, I think I remember there being a bright overhead light shining above me. When they first tried, I refused, and didn't go down easily. There were multiple doctors, and they had to use force to stitch it all the way. I remember screaming and crying at what they did in order to keep me still, and I remember watching my mom just stand and watch. I was so mad at her for not helping me. I was crying because she didn't stop them. I think she was crying too, but I can't remember.. just thinking of it now makes me burn inside.

Afterward I remember something different. Since I don't remember actually getting the stitches, just the process to get me still, I thought I was there for a bee sting. I remember afterward walking with a wet rag in my shoe (my mom often used baking soda and stuff on my bee stings, so I think that's why), and I had a can of pop in my hands. I was talking to my mom. This didn't happen, I went for stitches, never had a wet rag on my foot, and never had pop. My mom had to tell me this for me to know.

When I would go to my grandma's house, she used to watch shows where people would get hurt. It used to bother me to a very great extent, I hated it. But now, that stuff is purely exciting.

I know when I was little, I convinced my brother to have a "whipping contest" with me. I got a belt for him and had one of my own. I started whipping him over and over again, and didn't stop for a bit. He didn't have a shirt so when it was over he was covered in red marks and was crying.. I enjoyed it.

I am sadistic like I have said before. I loved picturing myself hurting people.. cutting them open, pounding them, breaking their bones, doing anything imaginable. And I don't just enjoy physical harm, I also love the mental stuff as well. I want to bash people's heads in, to wrap my hands around their throat, just anything.

This has become very distracting, almost being the only thing I think about. I get these sudden urges to shove someone into a wall, to kick them in the ribs, to smash their head off stuff, and I can almost physically hear these urges, and half see them. It's usually a very strong mental image, and I can almost feel myself moving and doing the action. Luckily, I can control myself and do not follow the urges, but it has been harder to resist lately.

I thought this might be important to mention. I often wake up to hypnopompic hallucinations, at least that's what I think they are. I can't think of anything else that they could be. I would say false awakenings, but some of them would disagree with that. It also happens when I am trying to stay awake, but keep dozing for a minute then jerk awake again. It happens in wakes: basically every day for a week, then a week or two without. It is always like that.

I cannot stress it enough, how much pleasure pain in others causes me. It gets my heart beating, my mind racing, I get very excited, and I do not know any pleasure like it. Almost nothing else makes me happy. It makes me feel amazing, warm inside; all feelings nothing else can cause.

I am a generally emotionless person, and a lot of people have told me this. I just don't feel it, and I certainly don't get love. I tried thinking about what love felt like.... but I honestly couldn't even get myself to feel it towards my family or siblings. My sister seems like a roommate, not a sister. When talking to people, I usually fake emotions. I may look like I feel something, but on the inside I am usually empty.

I went through a short period where I actually felt emotion, and wasn't used to it. So I freaked out and thought I was bipolar and everything.. but that quickly passed and now I am back to my original flat, apathetic state that I was in before.

I do not get the severity of many things, and do not understand importance either. I do not regret the things I do. I once smashed a bird house that belonged to someone else, the township maybe. But later I started to feel guilt; not guilt for smashing it, it was guilt for not doing it hard enough.

I have started disregarding the rules more and more lately, just as I did when I was little. When I was a kid I never followed the rules, I made my own decisions, and that was right to me. I hate rules, they are crap that keep me from doing what I love.

I am also losing my motivation. I used to try my best in school, not as much now. I am getting lazy, I don't want to do that stuff. I honestly just want to go and beat on someone. I can't get myself to work like I used to.

I feel dead inside every day.... I use my energy to not attack people... When I get around people... I get all weird inside, sometimes I can't breathe. It is because I am trying to not strangle them. Some people, if they walk next to me a fire explodes within me. I start shaking from the effort, I can't concentrate, can't speak right sometimes, I am just in misery. This has been happening quite a lot.

At night I lay in bed, thinking about what I want. Then I get infuriated when I realize I can't do it, sometimes I start crying. Because I can't do those things... and because I am afraid that one day I might actually do those things. It scares me in some aspects.

One more thing, when I am in bed I can almost start to hear people talking. It doesn't always sound exactly physical.. it's hard to explain. I don't know how to word it. But I can basically hear it, and sometimes it will be loud and hurt my ears for a second.. I don't know how to put it.

I have said everything I find necessary, and feel like putting. I would really appreciate it if some people would read all of this and tell me what they think of it. What should I do? Should I be concerned? What could it be? Is it at least relatively normal? Things like that.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Surreygirl Offline
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Re: I have a few questions about something that has been concerning me. - February 23rd 2013, 09:11 AM

There's no such thing as abnormal, perhaps you get different people, but no one isn't normal.
I recommend telling either someone you trust, or someone who's qualified to handle this kind of thing, like a counsellor. I used to be addicted to violence (my parents were a violent couple and I learnt it as a normal thing), but i saw a counsellor about it (via my doctor) and now although the urge is still there I can suppress and control it.
Maybe that's the next step in figuring this out,
are you stressed a lot?
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
SortaPsychotic Offline
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Re: I have a few questions about something that has been concerning me. - February 23rd 2013, 03:59 PM

Well, yes. I just have so much school work that consumes my time, and I never have free time. So there is that on top of trying to not hurt people. I have trouble relaxing, basically always. There is always something that gets into my thoughts. There may be brief moments that I completely relaxed, but it's not often.
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