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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
walk around in O O O O
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LuckyNo.Infinity's Avatar
 
Name: Lucky/Lux
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: East

Posts: 60
Join Date: November 4th 2012

always on my mind - March 20th 2013, 06:10 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This weighs on me a lot in my day-to-day life, and I sometimes wonder how inconsequential it is to other, seemingly insurmountable obstacles that are faced by what's actually a vast majority of this planet's population but here goes:

I'm not starving, and I never claim to be. I know what it is to have nothing edible in your fridge, as well as what it is not to have a fridge at all.
But sometimes, I consider starving myself to loose weight, despite knowing the health implications. I just want to be able to have enough control over my life to do it, and I wouldn't mind being thinner. And that really makes me sick.

I at least think that I have a few things going for me; I get enough (attempted) romantic attention from peers, go to (and pay for) college, play multiple instruments, sing, dance, am published, etc. But I shy away from relationships because I have an STD that I'm 99.9% sure that I got from my father. Que anxiety and trust issues; I've had a wicked panic disorder for years and I still can't imagine marrying anyone or having kids with anyone because I can't even conceive of trusting another human being enough to let them be a part of my non-existant kids' lives.


These are things that I keep to myself.

Less private is that my family is a macrocosm of a playground dispute, and I can see them aging and ailing as they fight and feud; it's heartbreaking. And I've "lost" more loved ones than I can count on both hands, many in tragic ways. Sometimes the idea of grief doesn't even phase me and I honor it as a part of life. That's when I'm momentarily zen as all get out. Most times it terrifies me.

Substance abuse has been an issue for me in recent years, and I can honestly say that I have a managed problem that I'm not interested in giving up. Paired with depression, my related decisions have proven to be a pretty real threat to my life.

I don't even want to think about the number of suicide attempts I've had even before I started using.

Ultimately, I think that if everyone who knows me knew all of this, they wouldn't be as interested or as fond of me as they are now.

My best friend knows every bit of this except for the STD; he's always stood by me and shown me all the care in the world, but I doubt he'd ever look at me as more, and I couldn't blame him; I'm a few cars short of a metaphorical train wreck, and there is at at least one carload of crap that I haven't mentioned here just because, why get into all of that.

I don't know what to do with my life at this point; it looks like I'm on the right track from the outside, and all my neighbors brag about me and stuff whenever I visit home and it all seems so good, but sometimes I think the strain is too much for me. I don't know what to do with all this history in such a short period of time, and sometimes I dread living longer and experiencing more.

I don't know what I was hoping for, in posting this. But I needed to say it.

Lux.


"This cosmic dance
of bursti
ng decadence and withheld permissions
twists all our arms colle
ctively,
but if sweetn
ess can win, and it can,
then I'll sti
ll be here tomorrow
to hig
h-five you yesterday, my friend.
Peace.
"

- Royal Tart Toter
(Adventure Time)



................

Last edited by LuckyNo.Infinity; March 20th 2013 at 06:21 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: always on my mind - March 20th 2013, 09:47 PM

I'm sorry you've gone through as much as you have, Lux. It's certainly not fair, and while I can't imagine going through all this, I do feel for you. I don't blame you for wanting to keep these things a secret from people, as there is still a great deal of stigma surrounding mental illness, drug use, STDs, incest, etc. Worrying about losing friendships and/or scaring away potential friends/romantic partners is completely understandable!

With that being said, I KNOW there are good people out there who will listen to your story, and continue to stand by your side (old and new acquaintances alike). Not everyone will be understanding, but you will be able to determine who can "handle it" as you spend more time around people, creating mutual feelings of trust. It DOES take time, so be patient with yourself and with the process as a whole.

Regarding the idea of deliberately starving yourself - it's good that you recognize it's about having a sense of control. I encourage you to find other ways to feel "in control," that don't involve further physical or emotional harm to yourself. It may be a small shift, like a very strict, healthy diet vs. outright starving yourself. It takes a great deal of discipline to stick to certain healthy foods, and to avoid temptation to eat your favorite junk food. In fact, I would argue it requires even more discipline to stick to a strict, healthy diet, as it's easy to skip a meal. I've done that out of pure laziness. It would require much more discipline for me to plan each meal out in advance, ensuring it's healthy.

Have you ever sought treatment for any of these issues (STD, alcohol use, depression, etc.)? I understand there is some ambivalence about seeking help for the "managed problem" of alcohol use, but you also recognize that all of these issues combined are greatly affecting your happiness, and may threaten your life someday. I encourage you to continue exploring that ambivalence in order to determine what it would take to seek treatment for all of these things. What are the pros/cons, short-term and long-term? What do you enjoy in life (relationships, academics, talents/skills)? How might all of this hinder your ability to continue enjoying those things? There may be times when you have trouble finding reasons to seek help (and don't see death as such a bad thing), but I don't get the sense that you're really ready to give up on life at this point - that you still want to fight. You just need to find the motivation for not only surviving, but thriving as well, and you don't have to go through the process alone.






   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
walk around in O O O O
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Name: Lucky/Lux
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: East

Posts: 60
Join Date: November 4th 2012

Re: always on my mind - March 21st 2013, 06:44 AM

Hi Robin,

Thanks, I really appreciate your reply and the thought that you put into it.

I'm not sure; I've done therapy a few times, but I can't honestly say that I was fair to the process, or that I'm presently willing to give it my all even if I could afford it. I've looked into, and been involved in public services but I'm pretty uncomfortable with that option as it stands. Therapy, though, is definitely on the table.

As for seeking help with substance abuse, I'm not even sure if that's something I'm willing to give up; I know that isn't productive, but it's honest. I wonder if I can continue to self-medicate and use recreationally in ways that aren't damaging to my well-being. Alcohol use specifically has actually never been a problem for me; I've never once drank myself numb with the intention of drinking myself numb- I occasionally drink alone, but not in excess and not when depressed. I've thought about groups modeled after AA in response to what I guess I might as well be fair and call my addictions, but I can't really get behind the philosophy and might end up becoming even more involved as a result. I've cut back significantly out of necessity though, since I've put myself in a situation wherein I've consented to be tested fairly regularly.

Lots of this was just speculation; I want to be happy, I just wonder what that means for me realistically, let alone how to get there.

As for giving up on life, well, that's definitely not the plan. My eyesight is usually much more bleak than the things I can see at any given moment, anyway. Something most people could do with being mindful of.


Thanks again,

Lux


"This cosmic dance
of bursti
ng decadence and withheld permissions
twists all our arms colle
ctively,
but if sweetn
ess can win, and it can,
then I'll sti
ll be here tomorrow
to hig
h-five you yesterday, my friend.
Peace.
"

- Royal Tart Toter
(Adventure Time)



................
   
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