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Ambiance Offline
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I don't know what this is. - April 7th 2014, 01:40 AM

I have struggled with depression for years. I was in therapy as a child when my parents identified that I seemed to have anxiety and some ocd-type habits. My therapist agreed, I suppose, but I wasn't prescribed any medication as a child and, being a child, I didn't really like going to therapy or talking about things so I was not actually very open and this didn't really help me. I actually can't recall how long I went, I'd like to say it was for about a year and a half or so. I went back in my 8th grade year, to one appointment, and I didn't go back. She had suggested I take medication for depression and another for OCD or anxiety, I cannot remember which.

In middle school, I made a new group of friends. I almost think that the nature of their lives made me feel out of place in mine; that is to say, they had a lot of issues at home and such, and I think that on a subconscious level, I felt the need to be more like them to fit in. I also felt the need to try to help them, though. I have always had some issues with my parents, but not like many people. I also had issues of my own, but again, not like many others. I self-harmed between the ages of 13-15. I quit of my own volition and the thought does not tempt me anymore. I think I replaced this bad habit with another, though; I've been smoking cigarettes for quite some time, generally in a casual manner as I can and do still go for weeks or a month at a time without smoking, but I have had periods of binging and going through 3 packs a week. Not in a few months, though. I think I smoke at the times in which I would have cut myself; sometimes just for pleasure, though.

I've always been depressed on some level and I do experience spells of extreme emptiness for unexplainable reasons. Throughout middle school and high school, I had plenty of reasons to be depressed, and I was; bad relationships, dissatisfaction with the choices of others, sometimes my own, and a general alienation from the world... I've always been alienated. I think very quickly and constantly and often find it very difficult to say exactly what I mean because what I mean often is very specific and I become very frustrated with how complicated the things I want to express are; but it is a very deep desire of mine to have someone understand these things exactly, to know me exactly. At my worst, I thought of suicide fleetingly; this is not something I would ever seriously consider, but I was so deeply unhappy that I felt I was experiencing some sort of emotional death. I have good social skills nonetheless, unless I am horribly depressed at the time, and have had alternating groups of friends through my life. I often find it is a choice that I have, whether I will make myself do something that will make me feel better, I.E. draw, write, make an effort if I am with friends to conversate and find things funny--I find a great number of things funny, and I can make a lot of people laugh when I am at my best. I have always gravitated towards depressed people, I guess, because I was depressed. I have slowly become better at seeking out more confident people who don't do as many drugs and such.

I'm rambling, though. This is common for me. I suppose the gyst of what I am saying is that these things above are all of my symptoms, but what I am currently dealing with is this: I have been very depressed for real reasons for a long, long time, and now that I have made some changes in my life for the better, I feel empty and anxious often times for no reason. I'm not sad, exactly. Just empty. I'm not sure if this is normal. I had planned on seeing a therapist when I moved a few months ago, but things seem to have gotten better with time as I exited a bad relationship and finally ceased contact with this person. It still stings vaguely because I love him, even though he wronged me many times, but I am beginning to feel like I have a new home and many good things to aspire for in my life and friends I am meeting. But I just feel empty. I don't know. I'm not sure if I should still plan on seeing a therapist. I'm not sure if there is something wrong with me. I have always felt that I could manage my own life, but reading the symptoms I've experienced and the nature of my life, I am not so sure.
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Re: I don't know what this is. - April 7th 2014, 06:45 AM

It's definitely depression. You don't always have to feel depressed to have depression. Feeling numb or empty is a common symptom of depression as well. And by the way I can relate to the things you've said above too. I also felt the need to fit in too with the issues but then everything became too much to handle so it destroyed me inside.

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Re: I don't know what this is. - April 9th 2014, 10:18 PM

Regardless of what you believe your diagnosis may be, I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist now, since you have gone through some major transitions in recent months. It would be good to talk to someone about how you're coping, and to receive further assessment. I saw a therapist shortly after moving to another part of the state. I was in a LDR, experiencing conflict with my father, and dealing with a variety of other stressors (e.g., graduate school and financial strain). At the time, I felt "empty," anxious, and depressed. I recognized that I needed support, and I found it. By the time we ended therapy six months later, I was in a much better place. I wasn't at my best, but I felt like I could handle life's stressors.

I can't tell you whether or not this is due to a mood disorder, or another mental disorder of some kind. All of these feelings could be attributed to the adjustment period, as well as doubts about what you're supposed to do with your life. A person can feel "empty" without being clinically depressed. Finding a purpose in life, and finding people who will support you in your goals, can be just as helpful as (or more helpful than) receiving formal treatment for "depression." Then again, I'm not in a position to tell you what's going on, and that's where a mental health professional can offer some guidance.

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Re: I don't know what this is. - April 12th 2014, 06:24 AM

It's almost as if the lack of stressors in my life is making me feel empty. It's the first time in a long time that I haven't felt I was in the process of overcoming something. Now, I feel that I have overcome a fair amount of things and I can sort of relax and just focus on things I enjoy. Writing gives me purpose and art gives me purpose and I am very passionate about those things. Maybe it's my environment, I don't know. Because everything here is utterly lax, but I just can't put my finger on it. I constantly feel like I want to seek a new romantic partner or change things about myself or my physical surroundings, and the picture I imagine is always much more than the reality, I suppose. I have a lot of difficulty truly being in a moment, and that is what I would like more than anything right now. I guess the best option for me would be to seek therapy, the whole process just scares me because I'm a bit arrogant.
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