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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Holly
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 5,830
Blog Entries: 170
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Going backwards - July 30th 2014, 10:23 AM

Sorry, this is kind of a mixture of everything, so I don't know if it's in the right place.

When I was at university this year, I managed to have counselling (for the first time ever). I told my counsellor everything- the loss of my dad, past child sexual abuse, anxiety, panic attacks, feeling low etc. She was understanding and I think I had CBT? We focused on breathing techniques, mindfulness and slowly challenging my anxiety and negative thinking. Because I have never told anyone about the above issues, I had more sessions than normal. But my counsellor was impressed at how hard I was working and improving. However, there was a waiting list and my counsellor asked if we could stop the sessions for a month and resume in June. But she never got back to me.

From May up until now, I have felt weird. I have felt less anxious in social situations, but I have felt exhausted? Like burn out or something? I stopped paying attention to other people, what was going on around me, I found it difficult to concentrate or remember things. But I never felt emotional...just numb? Like going through the motions, but not really there? I stopped going out and my hygiene was terrible.

2 weeks ago was graduation, and I was really anxious. All the work I had put in before, was just becoming undone. I started spacing out (depersonalization?). After that, I felt a bit better and could concentrate more, but now I am more jumpy than usual. I am more emotional (probably hormones) and developed eczema which became infected (I usually get this when very stressed).

I told 2 good friends what I had been going through. 1 started distancing herself from me, and the other recommended a specialist or a psychologist, since I'm 21 but have been dealing with these since childhood (I remember being anxious around adults at the age of 5, but I was sexually abused at 9, depression at 12 and panic attacks at 13).

I have finished university completely, so I can't go back to my old counsellor. I'm afraid to go to the doctors and ask for counselling since my mum works in the pharmacy next door and she doesn't know any of this (she doesn't believe in counselling and we aren't that close). I was thinking of finding a private specialist. I know they are expensive, but I'm not sure if a) I actually need help? or b) whether I need short term or long term help?

I feel like I need to do something. It's like make or break time. Since I opted for a year out (I don't think I could cope with teacher training) then in September I need to be out there doing voluntary work in schools etc. But I don't feel I can do that with low self esteem, low confidence and possibly being stuck in the victim/helpless role (not assertive etc). I also feel like I don't know how to interact with children and I will just be getting in the way. I feel like a child who has just been thrown into the adult world, and expected to "deal with it" but with no help or support.

Sorry for the ramble, but it helps to sort my thoughts out.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Philomath Offline
Love is > your mistakes
I can't get enough
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Re: Going backwards - August 5th 2014, 05:01 PM

Hi Holly,

Is it possible for you to go to the doctors without your mom knowing? You are 21 years old according to your profile which means you can get help without your mom needing to know or her consent. Even though she works next door, that does not mean she has to know you are going to the doctor about getting help for mental health. If you have visited the doctor recently about your eczema, you could say (and schedule the appointment) you have a follow-up to check your eczema. This would not be lying because your eczema could get looked at and during that time you are able to discuss any issues you may be having (which includes options for mental health treatment).
If you do not want her knowing about any medication you may be put on once receiving treatment and if the mental health professional treating you decides medication is necessary, you can choose to have it sent to a different pharmacy in the area.
I hope this is helpful and you can PM me if you would like someone to talk to about this. I know how hard it is to get help when family is not very supportive. Even though it may be a challenge, do not give up. You can do this!

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Silvia Offline
Average Joe
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Re: Going backwards - August 6th 2014, 01:55 PM

Holly, I agree with Christina, you are an adult, just go to the doctor and tell him you may need counselling. If you think it's necessary not to tell you mum, don't tell her, make up an excuse. The important thing is that you were feeling better when seeing the counsellor, so don't be afraid to look for further help.

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
Celyn's Avatar
Name: Holly
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 5,830
Blog Entries: 170
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Re: Going backwards - August 15th 2014, 02:11 PM

Hey, sorry for the really late reply, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Thanks for the replies both.

Yes, I am 21. And I know it's pathetic but I'm thinking the reason why I am so unsure of myself and dependent, is because I think my family may be dysfunctional.

I don't know how to explain it really. I had my eczema for weeks, but when I said to my mum it was weeping, she booked me an appointment and came to the doctors with me. I never asked her to. Part of me thinks that is controlling because obviously if I wanted to go the doctors I could've said something like "I had this eczema, probably caused by stress, and would like to have counselling" but with my mum in the room, I couldn't. But I am also glad she booked me the appointment and came with me. I get anxious using the phone and wouldn't have had a clue what to say. Also, even though my mum was there in the room with me, I was still really anxious having to talk to the doctor. So if my mum wasn't around, I don't think I would've gone to the doctors.

But my brothers are exactly the same as me- we all rely on my mum to do things, because my mum is controlling and we all have anxiety (I think).

What makes it worse is that, if my dad was alive and not ill, I reckon I would've been more independent. He taught me how to ride a bike, and make tea, simple things (I was a child). My dad looked after us more than my mum- even my mum admits that. But if I go to my mum to ask how do I use the washing machine, she ignores me.

It's like a battle- I want more independence, and I realise I need it (given my age), but I'm always anxious of things going wrong. My mum ignores me when I want to do something for myself, and carries on treating me and my brothers as if we are children (they are 19 and 15). But at the same time, it is comfortable, because all I'm doing really is avoiding things that make me anxious. But my mum just automatically does things for me. And I can't talk to her at all, as she honestly thinks there is nothing wrong.

So at this rate, I'll probably go for private counselling and if I get somewhere with that, I could just go back to the doctors and get free counselling.
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