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Ihea Offline
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Name: Hayden
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Bipolar II Disorder? - August 16th 2014, 02:51 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've had the concern that maybe I have had some sort of mood disorder, and with the events that's happened in the past year it's definitely heightened that worry and now I'm in a sticky situation. For now, I just need to know if this is worth checking out or not; I'll explain more about my predicament later if it does turn out that maybe I need to seek out psychiatric help.

Since I was twelve years old, I have had weird cycles of mood. June of 2011 was the first time I got sad. It wasn't like a full-blown depression, but I lost interest in a lot of things and felt hopeless and wanted to get rid of everything. I have never had any friends, so I was completely alone, and I remained in a constant period of sadness until September. The next time it happened was again in June of 2012, and I don't even really remember how long it went for. I was sad until... I don't know, somewhere between December and July.

The reason I say I don't know is because I would have a a week or two every month where I wouldn't really be sad any more. I would wake up one morning and be super energized, jumping out of bed and talking a thousand words a minute. More often than not though, when I came home that day I would get sad, but not as sad, I guess? I don't know, I stayed pretty happy for a few weeks and then I would become sad again.

At that point, I would have my periods where I was so sad that I wanted to kill myself occasionally, and I would stay pretty sad, but when those sad months were over I would still feel pretty low about myself, but it wasn't nearly as effective? I mean, I could process and function a lot better, even though I feel terrible about myself. Just like I had a normal, low self-esteem.

I had noted by that point how I had both rapid and almost chronic mood swings. During the week I would have a lot of mild to moderate mood swings and then, as I have explained, I would switch from being normal to sad and back over the months. However, it's only gotten worse since then and is the reason why I'm worried now.

Last November I got sad again, and it was worse than ever before. It lasted until April. Everyday, every hour, I want to kill myself. I showed almost every sign for major depression. No matter how much sleep I got, I was still exhausted. I would cry for no reason and I was just apathetic towards everything. My focus and concentration was gone, I didn't like anything but the Beatles at that point even though I liked tons of things before that ("Yellow Submarine" got me through stuff so many times). There was one point where I started hallucinating about a black fairy that was out to hurt me and then while I was at school I started having delusions about overcast clouds and that the red numbers on our school clocks kept flashing a certain time, and I was certain the end of the world was going to happen and I had to figure out how to stop it.

It was probably the darkest time of my life, but I think the major red flag for me came sometime in January or February. After being so miserable, I woke up, jumped out of bed, and I wasn't sad. At all. I didn't come home that night and feel sad like before. No, I was unstoppable, and I could take risks and talk to people although that terrified me before, and I believed I could do anything. Before my mind moved so slow and only thought about death, and now my mind was racing so fast I could hardly keep up, and although I'm a fast speaker by nature, it was particularly bad now. My speech before then had been disjointed and sluggish, and now I could give the debate kids a run for their money.

Both in my sad and happy periods I'm constantly irritated. It's heightened much, much more when I'm happy, and I get annoyed at basically everything that disturbs me, or sometimes it actually gets to a point where I'm annoyed at something just because it exists, i.e., I'll get really pissed off because somebody is talking in the hallway. Why are they there? Why do they have to be there? They get into my line of sight and I just get angry at them for absolutely no reason.

But then after a week or two I crashed again, and I was miserable until April, which is when I became pretty normal until mid-May or so, when I was the greatest thing on the planet. That's what I thought, I least. The only thing that dampened my mood was in July I had a lot of stuff happen among my online friends and it caused a lot of my anxiety to come back, but other than that, I was just like I had described when I'm happy until a few weeks ago. I'm starting to become sad again.

In these transition phases, and even when I'm not in the transitioning phases, my moods change daily. Eight thirty is often my first mood change, and I get happy; one thirty I get either irritated or happier or sad; and eight thirty (PM) is one I get sad. It doesn't always follow that exact schedule, but its a pretty good example of a normal day for me. In my happy periods it doesn't happen as much, although yes, I have gone from extremely happy to extremely sad in one day. That seems to happen more in my sad periods.

Heck, I remember one day I was super happy, super pumped, no one could stop me or bring me down and I was so happy, but as I was jabbering and smiling I kept thinking kill yourself in my head. Suicidal thoughts and cheerful chattering is such a confusing mix.

I greatly apologize for the length of this. I did not intend for it to be this long, but I guess whatever explains it works. Do you think I should get help on this or not? It makes it hard for me to focus in school and although I've never done anything so bad it damaged relationships or got me in serious trouble, I have caused minor disturbances. I get impulsive and uncooperative and obnoxious during mood swings.

Thank you for reading, that's all I can really think of right now.
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Re: Bipolar II Disorder? - August 16th 2014, 06:09 PM

Hey Hayden, while no one can diagnose you over the internet, any time you have severe symptoms that interfere with your life, suicidal thoughts, or hallucinations or delusions, you need to get evaluated and get professional help. I know it's scary, but it's really worth it.

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