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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Bored and apathetic about everything in my life - October 6th 2014, 02:40 AM

Recently I've been having trouble really enjoying anything in my life. No matter what I do, I'm always bored, and I'm finding it hard to care about things.

Background: I've had depression for 5-ish years (been in treatment for 1 1/2 years), and I started having issues with anxiety several months ago. Also, 2 months ago, I lost my very special cat who was only 11 months old at the time, and I'm still reeling from that.

The apathy I'm describing sounds like plain old depression, but this feels different for some reason. When my depression was really bad, my mood was so low that I couldn't bring myself to care about anything. But what I'm experiencing now is less of a bad mood and more like I'm detatched from everything. I feel shitty when I think about it (like now), but most of the time I just feel bored and deeply unsatisfied.

Part of it might be that I'm not doing much with my life at the moment, but anything new or fun that I try doesn't seem to matter. It's not just that I'm unsatisfied with my current situation -- I can't imagine anything I could do with my life that would be fulfilling. I just don't enjoy anything anymore.

For instance, my girlfriend came back to town a couple weeks ago after being away for 3 1/2 months, and I'm not very excited about that. I like that she's back, and there are moments when I've been properly excited to see her, but not as much as I used to/expected to be. There's nothing wrong with our relationship, it just feels like the part of me that cares is missing. When I'm around her, I'm mildly enjoying myself, but it's not as fun and exciting as it used to be. It's like I'm experiencing everything through this veil of apathy. There have definitely been times when I felt normal (the apathy stuff wasn't as bad until a week ago), but, in my current mental state, it's hard to imagine having normal emotions. I know it happened, but I can't fully comprehend it right now.

I dunno, maybe since I lost my kitty, I've shut down my ability to love because it's just too painful. But it's getting worse because I've stopped reaching out to people. Again, it's different than when I was deep in my depression. Then, I isolated myself because I didn't want to burden people and just wanted to stay in my own little bundle of pain. Now it's because I don't really care one way or another. Sure, if someone were to ask me to hang out with them, I'd definitely do it, but I don't really care enough to initiate that.

I know you're all going to tell me to get out and try new things and socialize and whatnot, but that doesn't help. I started a new volunteer job today and I'm still bored out of my mind. I try to do fun things but I'm just going through the motions -- none of the enjoyment is there. Also, I get exhausted really easily (residual effect of my depression), so I can't do much without completely wiping out my energy.

I don't know how to stop being so apathetic, and I'm scared that I've lost my ability to love and care about things/people.

I honestly don't think any of you can help with this, but I just wanted to write it down and get it out there. Who knows -- maybe my current mood is just clouding my mind, and the problem isn't as bad as it seems right now. I don't even know if it was worth writing about, but it passed the time, and I was soooooo bored of knitting and watching TV for most of the day.

To sum up: I've forgotten how to care and everything in my life is boring beyond belief.

EDIT: The weird thing I just realized is that a week ago, I was feeling extremely anxious about everything, so maybe I'm just batshit crazy. Or maybe my anxiety got to be too much and my brain just shut down. Can that even happen?
   
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Re: Bored and apathetic about everything in my life - October 6th 2014, 08:20 AM

Is it possible that you are just worn out? Maybe your emotional energy is just worn out for now. I have experienced a few times that after a few days/ weeks of feeling bad and down and a emotional mess I had a few days that nothing could really bother me. Those days really bad things could happen but I wouldn't really feel as bad about it as I normally would because I felt like I didn't have any emotion left. It was somewhat like a numb state. And if that is the case with you too then it will probably wear off after a few days of getting enough sleep. And the not being motivated could still be from the depression.
   
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Re: Bored and apathetic about everything in my life - October 6th 2014, 12:01 PM

Hey Elsa,

I went through a period like what you described a few months ago. I felt Ďdetachedí and even though I was hanging out with my friends, I just felt like I couldnít care. My life was boring and I didnít take care of myself very well.

But I believe this still counts as depression, and itís understandable since you lost your cat recently and you have been dealing with anxiety.

As Crotia said, it may be that you feel Ďburnt outí. I believe that the anxiety can wear you out- so you are not crazy! When I felt detached, I had also gone through a period of high anxiety. I think itís just draining really, so your brain is telling you to slow down. That plus depression, is probably why you feel this way.

I think that if you arenít doing much or not enjoying things, this can fuel the depression. So yes, my advice would be to try and find new things. But I also want to say, donít force yourself. Be patient. It may take time to find something and feel better, but it will happen. You wonít feel like this forever. It is possible that what you may also be experiencing is grief over your cat. This is also normal and wonít last forever either. Try to look after yourself, and do small things that make you feel a bit better, perhaps going for a walk or have a relaxing bath.

It is also very normal to isolate yourself, not just because you donít want to be a burden, but because you feel like you just donít want to hang out with people. It was hard for me, when friends asked me to hang out. I would say yes, but I didnít really feel like it. I hardly spoke to anyone during that time. I just had nothing to say. Perhaps set yourself a goal to talk to one friend a day or something, just to try to get back into the swing of the things? You can ask them to hang out later, but I think the focus should be on reconnecting first. Also, keep talking to us on TeenHelp- we are always here for you!

Try to stick with the volunteering job, even though itís boring, itís probably better than nothing. Also, you havenít lost the ability to love and care. It is just the depression thatís clouding your judgement at the moment.

I know I probably havenít helped much, but I thought I would add my thoughts since I have been through something similar a while back. Itís good that you found just typing it out to be a bit helpful- and it is worth writing about!

Take care
   
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Re: Bored and apathetic about everything in my life - October 7th 2014, 07:11 AM

It sounds like anhedonia, which is common with depression and anxiety.

I'm sorry about your cat. I doubt that loosing the cat caused it, but it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that having cats or dogs around can greatly decrease anxiety.

It will go away when you're able to rest and relax. I know that depression and anxiety make it really difficult to do that though sometimes. Yeah, it is pretty much a result of too much anxiety wearing you out.



   
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