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Need some Advice - February 19th 2015, 12:56 AM

Ok so, originally this was supposed to go to Yahoo! Answers, but apparently they don't take questions this long, so I google'd where I could post and ask for help and I came across here. I hope you aren't intimidated by the long story but I just needed some way to vent and hopefully get someones insight. I hope that I included everything that I wanted to say, and I truly welcome all advice that is offered. Thank you in advance.

Alright so, before I begin, I know this is going to be a long "story" (if you want to even call it such), but it's just something that I have to get off my chest and perhaps use it as a way to ventilate my feelings, and perhaps get some insight on exactly what I should do about the current situation I have been in for so many years.

Anyways, I am about to be 17 in a few weeks. I seem to be having issues with my father, which I have been for the past, give or take a few, 12 years (I know what you're thinking,teenager, parent issues, yeah yeah whatever). I am coming straight off the bat and saying, personally, I don't think he is a truly bad man, however, he just seems to be having problems with his anger. Now, he has hit me a few times and pushed me around quite a few times, but the problem is the mental abuse I am suffering currently. I should mention that I am the oldest of about 5 younger siblings, and he is always yelling at them as well. I'll be honest, he hasn't been yelling at me as much recently, but it's still affecting me mentally whenever he is constantly yelling at my younger siblings. I feel as if he has good intentions, but doesn't know quite how to put those intentions into actions.

When I was about 5, I used to live with my mother, although he gained custody over me shortly after turning 5. From ages 5-11 I would live with him and it was horrible from what I remember (granted I was very young, despite still being young in some people's eyes). Like I said, he doesn't really hit me (just physically pushes me around sometimes), it's just the constant yelling that I cannot take anymore. When I was about 12 (or perhaps I was 13, can't remember though), he decided to leave to another city in order to sell a house that my step-mom inherited from her deceased mother.

During this time, I would live with my grandparents rather than leaving my friends, new school, etc; behind to go to another city. I became very depressed (albeit some people don't really believe in depression) because of me having no parents. Looking back on it, I am not sure why I was so depressed, it's all a blur to be honest. I digress. It wasn't until I was in my sophomore year in high school that he finally was able to sell the house and buy a new one a few blocks away from my grandparents. This was great (honestly).

My father returned as a new man, me and him got along great together, and nothing seemed to go wrong until my going-to Junior year summer vacation. My father was fired from his at-home job (not going into details), and since then he has gotten worse just like he was.

Now me being older, I wasn't really afraid like I used to be of him and I have told him on several occasions that he needs to calm down, but all I get is the whole "You have no right to tell me what to do, I am the father of this household" excuse. He has been lashing out on everyone in the house for no reason as of late (which I believe is because of his new job's hours and his lack of sleep). This has been going on since August of last year. I have tolerated it for quite a long time, but now it's getting progressively worse each day. I am suffering each and every day because of his verbal abuse and I can't take it anymore. It's not even me that he is yelling at the most, mostly my 5 younger siblings (who, mind you, are around the ages 3-14). Shit, he is even yelling at my step-mother constantly and me and her have talked about how he has gotten so bad since he got that new job of his.

He always finds a way to put me and my younger siblings down, claiming how he wishes that he had kids that would listen to him and do as they are told. Over the past 3 months, it's gotten really intense and now I just stay in my room all day wishing the day would end so he can either go work his night shift at work, or work a double shift during the day just so I don't have to hear him yelling. I am barely eating now and me and my father have no communication whatsoever, unless it's him yelling at me for something (in his eyes) "bad" I have done. Even on a few occasions he would tell me how he should "knock my ass out and put me in the hospital" for the way I talk back to him (and this is true, I do sometimes, but it's usually me telling him to just calm down and please stop yelling).

Honestly, it's getting to the point where I am trying my hardest to restrain myself from fighting back whenever he does push me around. I really wish that things could get better between us, but it's been getting worse every damn day for the past 7 months. I am almost 17, and there is no way in hell I can wait another year before I can leave this place. I have tried and tried to have a decent conversation, but he has become to blinded by his "fits" that it's hard to talk to him. He is always jumping to conclusions, and when you tell him that it's wrong, he just yells even louder. I get that he must be going under a ton of stress because of his new job and drastically reduced income, I truly do, but that gives him no right to take it out on us. I would tell him to seek out a counselor or therapist but I don't feel like being yelled at anymore. I honestly want to run away, but where the hell would I go? I know for a fact I can't survive out there by myself.

I understand that all of this might just sound like me bitching, and I truly can see why. Maybe it's just me and my hormones, but I don't know anymore. I have tolerated it for so long but I just feel like I can't anymore. I know that I am not the only kid going through situations like this, and I didn't come here looking for sympathy from anyone, only advice on what I should do about this.
   
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Name: Dani
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Re: Need some Advice - February 19th 2015, 06:15 AM

Hi there,
It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and seeing as I have never experienced something like this, I cant even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. But you sound like a very strong person for being able to deal with this for so long. I don't know how much advise I can give you or how good it will be, but here goes:

First off, I really think you should talk to someone in your life about this. I know it may be easier to talk about it online, but the people in your life are the ones who can really get you help. Could you tell your grandparents? a trusted teacher or guidance counselor? Or even just a friend who could be there for you when you are having a hard night at home?
Second, Is there anyway you could get out of the house? I had a friend who had a less-than-ideal living situation with her dad so she moved in with her grandparents. Is that an option for you? Or is your mom still in the picture?
If you cant move out of the house for the next year, I would suggest trying to find hobbies that will get you out of the house as much as possible. Maybe join a school club, hang out with friends more, or get a part time job. Anything to ensure that you are around your dad as little as possible.
On the topic of your little siblings. I know you said you feel really bad when your dad is yelling at them. You probably feel like you need to protect them. If telling someone about the situation, or finding ways for them to get out of the house as well are not options, then I would suggest just making sure you all are there for each other. Give them twice the positive feedback for every negative feedback your father gives them.

Even if none of this advice helped, I hope it helped just to come on here and let your feelings out. I know you joined this site just to post that question, but if you want, you should consider staying. We all are really friendly here and just want to help each other out. Try to hang in there.
-Dani
   
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