I think I may have a personality disorder of some sort.

[rabbittfoot]

So a lot has happened in the past two years. Mostly a lot of family troubles. I don't know if this can be attributed to the way I feel, but I think it probably has something to do with it. I apologize in advance for the long post

A little over a year ago, I became really depressed. Although I refused to see a therapist and thus never got a real diagnosis, I am sure that I was depressed. l would sleep for ten+ hours a night, and would then come home from school and nap another 3-5 hours. Even when I wasn't sleeping (or in school) I was in bed. I was eventually driven back to self-mutilation (I had a history of harming myself that began when I was 7). I became extremely withdrawn from my friends and family and I couldn't go a day without crying at least twice. I hated myself and I often wished that I would die, although I knew I was too scared to try to commit suicide. I also engaged in poor eating habits, I would count calories meticulously and starve during the day, often to only end up binging at night. I only lost about [Edited], but my eating habits have NEVER gone back to normal.
This period lasted about 4-5 months until school let out and then things were getting a little better.

Although I don't feel as majorly depressed, I know that I never went back to feeling normal since then. As I mentioned before, I still binge and starve for days on end. I'm still extremely insecure (although I've always been a little insecure). I often still cry for no good reason. I get very nervous when talking to people and I fear that they see me as I see myself; it's difficult for me to accept that anyone actually likes me and isn't playing some sick joke on me.

I have yet to mention that I'm constantly annoyed by other people, yet I wish to be accepted by them. I can easily pick out certain qualities in nearly everyone I know that I can't stand. In spite of this, I am usually able to hide my irritation pretty well and I NEVER act on these feelings toward other people.

Any insight or advice is greatly appriciated!

[Honorary Pug Girl]

Hey there Michelle! I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way towards yourself. I think you may want to talk to a therapist though. I've been where you are, and I was scared to talk to one myself. I did the cutting in high school, and when I was out of it. Also I found it hard to find myself pretty, and often found myself wishing sometimes I could just give up and end it. I was also too scared to do anything, but the thoughts were constantly there. It was only when I met my ex that I was able to go and do so, and it was still hard. Slowly I begin to accept myself, and learned that I had bipolar disorder. I didn't want to admit it before, because I thought that having a mental disorder made me crazy or a bad person, but it doesn't. Millions of people today struggle with mental disorders, both diagnosed and not diagnosed. Once I got the help I needed, we were able to get medicine that worked and the support I'd need to get through this. Today I am on a healthy track, and happy for once with myself. I know it's hard to love yourself, and see past what today's society says you have to be but you're beautiful no matter what. I've never been the pretty girl myself, but I embrace myself flaws and all. I hope this helps, and if you ever wanna talk my PMs are open, and I'm willing to listen okay? Stay strong you'll get through this!

[Palmolive]

Hi there,

I have Borderline personality disorder and what I have learnt is that everybody has traits of personality disorders, but that doesn't mean you have one. I can't diagnose you as I am not medically trained. If you want a diagnosis (?) I suggest you try to see a psychiatrist all though this may take a while, for them to get to know you and understand you, to be able to give you a diagnosis. But if it's something you want, then go for it. Ask your doctor for a referral and see where it leads.

Either way I would definitely suggest you try talking to someone about the way you feel depressed, the self harm and the eating habits. I know this can be hard and scary but it can also be very beneficial and helpful an is something I would defiantly encourage you to do. Seeing a counselor or therapist can really help you to work through these kind of issues and help you to manage them and/or overcome them. Don't get me wrong, we're always here but we can just offer support and advice as we're not trained. But we will be here to support you through all of this okay? So if you ever want to talk, know that we're here for you.

Take good care,
Jessie

[L4Y]

Hi, Michelle: It sounds as if you have been dealing with a lot for quite some time now. I definitely think it may be a good idea to look into speaking with a therapist or at least consider opening up to someone you trust.

I can completely relate to what you said about being aggravated by people, yet seeking their acceptance. It's something I struggle with as well and still don't really understand. So, please know that you are not alone.

I wish you well and hope things improve. Take care.