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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hestina22 Offline

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I don't even know anymore... - May 18th 2017, 09:43 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So yesterday was awful for me
I'm on study leave and yesterday I went shopping with my mum
It was fine but then we got on the bus home and I saw my friend on the same bus (lets call her M). So when M got off the bus, she smiled at me and I smiled back. Then my mum saw that and said "how do you know that girl?" And she knows who M is...but anyway I told her it was M...and she started getting angry saying "no it isn't, M is a different girl, why are you lying?" and wtf I was not lying why would I? Then she just got angry and started shouting and calling me names, calling me ugly, calling dirty. She hit me in my jaw in front of the whole bus wtf. That triggered me so much. I wanted to cut myself, I told myself that I would starve myself again to look better. To not be ugly anymore.

But then when we got home I calmed down. I was still miserable but I didn't cut (partly because I had nothing to do it with) and I ate my lunch etc properly.

Later on in the day though, I got an email from the boy I like. I stupidly sent him and email telling him that I still like him. I don't know why. I tend to do stupid things that makes my life worse than it needs to be. So anyway he replied that he has noticed me following him and that he thinks it's best if forget that 'this' happened. Of course that is best, for so long I've been trying to get over him. I don't know why I still like him.
So I replied to that "I haven't been following you...?" because i didn't know what he meant. Of course I did, but I didn't know why he thought I was. I've been trying to avoid him like so many people have told me. I've been trying to forget about him for so long. Why would I follow him?
After that he replied and told me to fuck off. Which was nice.

Now I don't know what to do, I want to cut to forget about him and I want to just stop eating so I can be good enough for people. I don't know what to do anymore...
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Re: I don't even know anymore... - May 18th 2017, 07:10 PM

first of all, I'm very sorry to hear about that situation with your Mum involved. It must have been very distressing for you. I understand that she is your parent, however she does not have the right to call you names.
I am sure you are not ugly, and your external appearance is really a matter of your own taste. As far as starving yourself is concerned, not only does it fail to reduce weight, but may result in serious health issues. Remember that it leads to nothing. If you would really like to lose weight, I suggest taking up some physical exercises, which would benefit you in many ways.

What you should be proud of is resisting the urge to cut! That's admirable and I'm very glad you managed to do so. Also eating properly is a huge achievement.

I'm sorry the response from the boy turned out like that, though. Being rejected is painful. And forgetting him will surely be a tedious process, but you could try to focus something different, such as a hobby or spending time with your friends.

Cutting and starving yourself is sometimes hard to resist, but yesterday you proved that you are able to do so. You're a very strong person. I hope today turned out better and that everything will be alright once again.

I hope that I helped a bit. Send me a message if you ever feel like talking.

Take care,

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Re: I don't even know anymore... - May 23rd 2017, 04:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you. Your mum had absolutely no right to call you names or hit you- that's abusive. It's understandable that your mum's behaviour would trigger you, but remember that your mum calling you ugly, dirty etc., is a reflection of her as a person and doesn't mean at all that it's true.

It was really good that you didn't cut and managed to eat properly, despite everything that had happened. I know that it may have been situational if you didn't have anything to hurt yourself at hand, but I also think that it shows that you do have the strength to not give in to the urges as well.

You weren't stupid for telling the guy you liked your feelings. It may feel like you made everything worse, but I think it was rather brave of you to tell him how you feel about him! It's a real shame that the guy didn't reply in a nice way to you though. It can be hard when feelings aren't reciprocated but there was no reason for him to swear at you. It's definitely a good idea to focus on other things and carry on avoiding this guy- at the very least, he doesn't deserve your attention.

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Re: I don't even know anymore... - May 23rd 2017, 07:14 PM

Hey there, I am sorry your mum was calling you nasty names and hit you on the bus. I believe you were telling the truth about M, but maybe your mum just forgot what they looked like. That still doesn't give her the right to say or do what she did. Remember, you are not ugly and there is absolutely no need to punish yourself. Each individual is different and their uniqueness is what makes them beautiful.

Also, I don't think you were in the wrong for telling a guy you liked him. You were being truthful and hoping you could strike up a friendship. There's nothing wrong with that, and if he thought you were following and harassing him, then that's his problem not yours. It was extremely rude of him to tell you to "fuck off" but again, that is on him and not you. There's no need to beat yourself up over this, you did nothing wrong! Maybe now this can give you the closure you need with this guy and move on past him. You don't need someone like that in your life, you deserve better.

I would suggest looking into new hobbies to take up your time, and these can be used as coping techniques whenever you want to self-harm. Also, I am glad you didn't restrict and ate your lunch appropriately. Don't be afraid to reach out to us again if you have to about anything.
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Re: I don't even know anymore... - May 23rd 2017, 07:35 PM

I am very sorry to hear about your situation that must be very distressing for you! First of all, I will assure you that your mum is not speaking any truth, just because she says you are ugly doesn't mean that you are. You should never let anyone tell you who are you. Everyone is individually beautiful and I hope you never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Also I'm sorry about the boy, I too just recently told the boy I had a crush on that I liked him and then got friend zoned and yeah it is tough but at least you had the guts to tell him, that takes so admirable strength.
I'm very happy to hear however that you resisted the urge to cut, you should never let anyone's actions influence you to cause yourself pain, not even your own.
I understand the temptation to look what people seem to call "perfect" because of society these days but I am here to tell you that perfection we all think about doesn't exist, it is an illusion and we as a human race must accept that. Perfection is staying true to who you are and that is why you shouldn't starve yourself because it is unhealthy for you and I know it's a cliche but you are perfect just the way you are.
I hope everything turns out good for you in the end and I admire your strength for sharing your feelings on here as it takes some strength to even admit your feelings.
Always reach out for help if you need it. Stay strong.
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