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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
darkshadow13 Offline
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Please Help - June 16th 2017, 07:28 PM

Hi I'm new to the forum and I've been having a lot of thoughts this past month that are really distressing.
Being a teenager I used to view pornography quite often, and usually never thought anything of it. It wasn't something I was particularly worried about, but I never really wanted people to find out. Anyways, I viewed it on Instagram via hashtags, as I was usually to scared or embarrassed to use websites. Well quite a few months ago (I'd say almost a year even) I came across child pornography that had people my age in it. I didn't think anything of it and thought it was okay. I came across several more videos later on (Probably around a couple of months later) which contained very young children. From what i can remember, and I'm pretty sure I did, I reported them. I clicked on the account to report it and saw videos I'd seen previously on there. In a panic, I cannot remember exactly what i googled, but I'm afraid it will look sketchy. I think I wanted to know what the definition of child pornography was, as I had viewed videos I thought were acceptable. I later realised they were not. I was disgusted but again didn't think much of it, as I knew I never intended on watching child pornography and came across those videos by accident. But for some reason, and I don't know why, my mind has begun to tell me that I am a paedophile. I definitively do not approve of anything related to paedophilia or child abuse, but inside my head, I can't stop these thoughts of self-hatred and utter disgust. I know I am not attracted to children and do not understand why these thoughts have only begun to appear now. I am at a point where its becoming hard to eat, concentrate in school and actually enjoy life anymore. I have only told my mam about this and I'm so terrified that others will find out, not understand my situation and label me a paedophile. It sounds so stupid, but I'm am also scared of being arrested. Another thing that really scares me is that I'm beginning to tell myself I enjoyed those videos and am attracted to children. I can't remember everything from back then and therefore I'm telling myself that I googled more videos and did terrible things. I have never been at a point in my life where I have hated myself until now. I feel trapped and alone when I am by myself, but terrified and disgusting when around others. This entire situation is really bringing me down and we've begun to look for counsellors as these thoughts are becoming too strong. I'm scared to grow up, thinking that this will haunt me later on in life and I am simply miserable. I feel ashamed to even type this, yet I don't know what else to do. I haven't been diagnosed with anything and don't know how to cope with this. I do find relief in writing things down and have begun to do so quite frequently but this is only temporarily. I feel like I cannot tell my friends as they would be disgusted and would not understand. I feel so alone and need help.
Sorry for the long post.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
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Re: Please Help - June 18th 2017, 09:00 AM

thank you. I can reply longer later. I'm on a slow tablet.

you are 14 so at 14 its normal to think of being with other people your age and near your age.

unnormal would be someone in their 20's wanting to be with a 14 year old, or wanting to film a 14 year old.

we want to protect kids your age from being exploited by older people.

when you are older, you will still naturally want to be with people your own age, who will also be older, like you.

runaway fear may, or may not, have anything to do with this. a counselor may help figure out what is causing this runaway fear. it may be a misunderstanding. or it may be a body chemistry thing gone awry. fear abatement training exercises may help. sometimes just exploring fears in a safe place can find the fears aren't that scary after all. sometimes writing them down helps.

sometimes we rationally know there is nothing to be afraid of, but our emotional brain still is afraid, because its not rational.

so far everything you describe sounds normal for a 14 year old, except for the runaway fear part. the rest is what any normal 14 year old boy with a phone does.

I hope you can find a counselor you feel comfortable talking with. try several different ones. shop around until you are satisfied.

best wishes!
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
brightside Offline
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Re: Please Help - June 18th 2017, 04:50 PM

I can actually relate to this a lot. I can't guarantee to you that it's the same problem that I have, but when I was struggling with this I had nobody who knew what was going on and I felt completely disgusted and alone. I wish I'd have found this post earlier, because I know how agonizing this is. I apologize for this being a long post. I promise that all of this ties together so forgive me if it seems as if I'm rambling.

I have struggled with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder all of my life. There has been a long history of mental illness in my family, especially OCD. Despite what you may have heard from jokes about it, OCD is not about being a neat freak. It's characterized by constant intrusive thoughts, usually leading to compulsions. If you're not familiar with the term, intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that pop up in your head, ranging from violent thoughts about killing people to thoughts about thinking you're a pedophile. Neurotypical people [those without mental illness] can usually brush off these thoughts quite easily. However, those with OCD cannot and end up thinking about it nearly all of the time or all of the time. Sound familiar? Common compulsions from these thoughts include confessing your thoughts or doing things over and over until they feel "right". Some OCD sufferers have pure O OCD, which means they have no compulsions and end up just letting these thoughts ruminate in their head. It sounds like you at least show some signs of pure O OCD, given that you are greatly disturbed by these thoughts and aren't attracted to children. I could go on and on about the symptoms, but I thought I'd share my story with you if it makes you feel any better.

I was a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse at the age of around 3 or 4. I do not remember it, which is a symptom of some sexual abuse victims. I do, however, remember the interrogations of my mother that followed. It was a terrifying time that seemed to last forever.
You see kid [if you don't like me calling you that tell me. it's just a nickname i use for people, no matter their age lmao], when you have a predisposition to OCD, sometimes it feels like it's just waiting for something to obsess over, ready to pounce at any time. This event caused the OCD to latch onto the idea of sexual intrusive thoughts. It became a cycle; the more I got yelled at for having intrusive thoughts [confessing them was my compulsion], the more I had. This eventually lead to a new obsession with being posessed or going to hell, since that's what she accused me of. I would constantly doubt myself and make up false memories, unsure if I had done something bad or not. I would constantly think thoughts I didn't mean [I wanted to do X to Y, I thought about getting 'touched' by one person or another] and thought that I wanted it. That's what OCD does to you. It's job is to eat at you from the inside, kid. The guilt, the self doubt, everything; it's all a part of the package. I still struggle, but now that I've gotten help my problems have been reduced. I've obsessed over everything from being afraid I was going to murder my mother to the same obsession as you, thinking I was a pedophile.

I strongly related to your story. If any of this sounds familiar or relatable to you, I highly suggest researching more on OCD and/or messaging me about it. I've dealt with this as long as I can remember, I'm practically an OCD elder. Does anyone in your family have a history of things like this? If not, I can't guarantee you they'll be very understanding of this at first. It's a very hard subject because OCD manages to cling onto the things you deem as the most sickening.

Above all, I leave you with this: don't be afraid to tell your doctor. That's how I got help. They have heard worse things and know what OCD is, I swear. Mention OCD to them. You'll probably be given therapy and/or some sort of medication, probably either Zoloft or Prozac. It'll take a while to get adjusted to it but it helps.

Please don't hesitate to message me if you need anything. I've been in your shoes.


"i just want to die anywhere else."
feel free to message me, always looking for new pals.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
darkshadow13 Offline
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Re: Please Help - June 18th 2017, 10:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
thank you. I can reply longer later. I'm on a slow tablet.

you are 14 so at 14 its normal to think of being with other people your age and near your age.

unnormal would be someone in their 20's wanting to be with a 14 year old, or wanting to film a 14 year old.

we want to protect kids your age from being exploited by older people.

when you are older, you will still naturally want to be with people your own age, who will also be older, like you.

runaway fear may, or may not, have anything to do with this. a counselor may help figure out what is causing this runaway fear. it may be a misunderstanding. or it may be a body chemistry thing gone awry. fear abatement training exercises may help. sometimes just exploring fears in a safe place can find the fears aren't that scary after all. sometimes writing them down helps.

sometimes we rationally know there is nothing to be afraid of, but our emotional brain still is afraid, because its not rational.

so far everything you describe sounds normal for a 14 year old, except for the runaway fear part. the rest is what any normal 14 year old boy with a phone does.

I hope you can find a counselor you feel comfortable talking with. try several different ones. shop around until you are satisfied.

best wishes!
Ah I'm a girl btw. But thank you for the advice, it is greatly appreciated.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
darkshadow13 Offline
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Re: Please Help - June 18th 2017, 11:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by brightside View Post
I can actually relate to this a lot. I can't guarantee to you that it's the same problem that I have, but when I was struggling with this I had nobody who knew what was going on and I felt completely disgusted and alone. I wish I'd have found this post earlier, because I know how agonizing this is. I apologize for this being a long post. I promise that all of this ties together so forgive me if it seems as if I'm rambling.

I have struggled with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder all of my life. There has been a long history of mental illness in my family, especially OCD. Despite what you may have heard from jokes about it, OCD is not about being a neat freak. It's characterized by constant intrusive thoughts, usually leading to compulsions. If you're not familiar with the term, intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that pop up in your head, ranging from violent thoughts about killing people to thoughts about thinking you're a pedophile. Neurotypical people [those without mental illness] can usually brush off these thoughts quite easily. However, those with OCD cannot and end up thinking about it nearly all of the time or all of the time. Sound familiar? Common compulsions from these thoughts include confessing your thoughts or doing things over and over until they feel "right". Some OCD sufferers have pure O OCD, which means they have no compulsions and end up just letting these thoughts ruminate in their head. It sounds like you at least show some signs of pure O OCD, given that you are greatly disturbed by these thoughts and aren't attracted to children. I could go on and on about the symptoms, but I thought I'd share my story with you if it makes you feel any better.

I was a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse at the age of around 3 or 4. I do not remember it, which is a symptom of some sexual abuse victims. I do, however, remember the interrogations of my mother that followed. It was a terrifying time that seemed to last forever.
You see kid [if you don't like me calling you that tell me. it's just a nickname i use for people, no matter their age lmao], when you have a predisposition to OCD, sometimes it feels like it's just waiting for something to obsess over, ready to pounce at any time. This event caused the OCD to latch onto the idea of sexual intrusive thoughts. It became a cycle; the more I got yelled at for having intrusive thoughts [confessing them was my compulsion], the more I had. This eventually lead to a new obsession with being posessed or going to hell, since that's what she accused me of. I would constantly doubt myself and make up false memories, unsure if I had done something bad or not. I would constantly think thoughts I didn't mean [I wanted to do X to Y, I thought about getting 'touched' by one person or another] and thought that I wanted it. That's what OCD does to you. It's job is to eat at you from the inside, kid. The guilt, the self doubt, everything; it's all a part of the package. I still struggle, but now that I've gotten help my problems have been reduced. I've obsessed over everything from being afraid I was going to murder my mother to the same obsession as you, thinking I was a pedophile.

I strongly related to your story. If any of this sounds familiar or relatable to you, I highly suggest researching more on OCD and/or messaging me about it. I've dealt with this as long as I can remember, I'm practically an OCD elder. Does anyone in your family have a history of things like this? If not, I can't guarantee you they'll be very understanding of this at first. It's a very hard subject because OCD manages to cling onto the things you deem as the most sickening.

Above all, I leave you with this: don't be afraid to tell your doctor. That's how I got help. They have heard worse things and know what OCD is, I swear. Mention OCD to them. You'll probably be given therapy and/or some sort of medication, probably either Zoloft or Prozac. It'll take a while to get adjusted to it but it helps.

Please don't hesitate to message me if you need anything. I've been in your shoes.
Thank you for this reply. I'm sorry you had to go through this yourself and you sharing your story really helped. I'm currently waiting to be referred to my school's counsellor and I'll mention OCD to them.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
brightside Offline
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Re: Please Help - June 19th 2017, 10:43 PM

no problem. i'm always here if you need me. i've never personally spoken to anyone rlse with similar obsessions to me, so it was a pleasure to help.


"i just want to die anywhere else."
feel free to message me, always looking for new pals.
   
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