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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
organizedchaos Offline
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Emptiness - August 2nd 2017, 04:36 AM

For the most part lately I'm actually really happy, I'm my carefree adventure loving self. I feel like me.

But ever since 6th grade I've been hit with so many shitty things and they have started taking their toll on me. I have hormone imbalances so I developed really quickly and was one of the firsts too, so I was really self conscious for all of middle school. Then it started causing me to get cysts which we thought were breast cancer at first, this happened in 8th grade during finals my first year of taking advanced classes which had already been super stressful. A month before that my Grandpa had gotten sick again and died, triggering my disorder. Then that summer I found out one of my best friends was moving to another state(out of the whole group she was the only one I had anything in common with really). Fun right? I went into a downward spiral dealing with all of this that lasted until 10th grade which was when I hit rock bottom. I was so depressed because I was trying to accept that I can't change the fact that I have the disorder I do and that it isn't my fault I was born with it. Not only that I was trying to accept myself in general because my "friends" destroyed my self confidence and ridiculed everything that made me who I am. Not to mention all of the other things happening tearing my life into a million pieces. At the end of 10th though a kid at my school died and it's what snapped me out of my depression and I was able to pick myself back up, accept a lot of things, and pull myself out of that toxic "friend" group.

It's been a year now and I still go through periods where I hate life, and I hate myself, and I don't want to accept anything anymore. I just want to scream because it's all so unfair. I start wondering what the hell it is I did to deserve this. I don't have any energy and I just want to disappear. It's not like anyone besides my family would miss me, I have no friends. Well that's not true I have my cousins, but we all live spread out all over the states and even another country. We don't ever talk though unless we are together. So the only time I could talk to them about all this shit is the few weeks we do see each other and I don't want to waste that time with depressing shit.

I need a way to let all these feelings out because keeping them in isn't healthy. What I really need is to make some friends, and I've been trying but it's hard. I'm just so lonely during these slumps and I start to wonder what the point in living is...I never want to kill myself or plan how to, I just wish I wasn't alive. Like I hadn't been born or something like that. It all just seems pointless during these periods. I have no friends, no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, no way of getting rid of my freakish disorder that I have to fight every single day...all I feel is exhausted, sad, and lonely. So why bother living when life is just disappointing and painful?

I don't always feel this way though, when I'm not in one of these slumps I love life and am a super happy upbeat person. Even then though I still am not totally me because I'm completely alone, I have no one to do anything with or even to talk to, so I fall into these slumps. I have told a couple of my really close cousins about this on a couple occasions when our conversations got deep and they couldn't believe I ever felt this way at first. They thought I was joking or something because I can always be myself when I'm with them and I'm always happy, exciting, and fun. I want to live this way all the time. I don't want to feel this empty anymore...sometimes they last for as short as a day whereas other times it could be a week. I try to think back to before all of this shit started happening and I was always myself, but I have trouble remembering it and it feels like a whole different person I'm thinking about.

Am I just destined to be like this forever or will it get better? I want my life back, but I don't know how to get there. I work hard for it every day, but the disorder can't be cured and I'm worried that as long as I have it I'm never going to stop these slumps. Some people do grow out of it I guess you could say as they get older. It just sort of stops, and I'm scared if mine doesn't I'll have to deal with this forever and I get exhausted and sad just thinking about it...

I feel so empty right now and I just want a break from everything...
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Emptiness - August 2nd 2017, 07:04 AM

Sounds like me when I was your age.

I'm OK now. But it's because I went to a doctor and tried a whole bunch of different antidepressant medications until we found the one that worked for me. That made a huge difference.

It took a long time, like a year or two, trying every antidepressant medication there is, until we tried a very old antidepressant medication, one discovered in the 1950's I think, and suddenly I knew we had found a winner, and I slowly started feeling better and better, and better, and I kept getting better beyond my wildest imagination, until I no longer thought about whether or not I was unhappy, because it was no longer an issue. I was fine.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Emptiness - August 2nd 2017, 04:17 PM

Stressful life events can definitely trigger mental health issues! I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through a lot at such a young age as well. It's especially difficult when we don't have much support, including from friends.

It's natural to have ups and downs, and I understand that the 'down' moments can be very low indeed. While we may not be able to control all stress in our life, we can put things in place to help us before and during those times when things get tough. An example of this is realising that your friends ridiculed you, and you are better off without them in your life. Having so called friends that put you down only causes more stress and upset for you, so you did the right thing in realising that you are worth more than that and removing yourself from them!

You mean a lot to your family and cousins, and they clearly mean a lot to you. It's unfortunate that you don't get much time to spend with your cousins. Is it possible to keep in touch with them through messaging, skype or even old fashioned letter writing? It can be comforting to read through old messages and letters and remember the good times that you shared as well as look forward to the times that you do get to spend together!

It was very brave of you to talk to your cousins about how low you feel! Understandably, when we usually appear to be happy and fun, many people may not realise how much we might be suffering underneath it all. I'm glad that even if your cousins didn't know how much you suffered, that they still support you!

When things build up, it can be tempting to wish for everything to just stop. But suicide is never the answer. If you feel this way, you may want to trying calling a hotline (we have some recommended ones here). Having a disorder that can't be cured can be very upsetting at times. I'm wondering if you have ever had counselling or mental health support? Counselling can give you a safe space with a non-judgemental professional that allows you to explore and deal with your feelings, and help you to learn ways of dealing with emotions. You can also build up confidence, which can be very helpful when making new friends. Keep reaching out and talking about how you feel. Your feelings matter, even if you are feel great most of the time. Life will have it's stressful moments, and there may be things that you can't control or change. But that doesn't mean that you have to suffer so much either. You can make choices like getting professional help that can help you feel more better able to cope with those low moments.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Emptiness - August 3rd 2017, 04:43 AM

del677,

Thanks for the advice, I have had some pretty intense with my Mom over this very topic. Only she doesn't know about these slumps she wants me to try anxiety medication to see if it will make my disorder go away because she's hopeful it will magically cure it somehow. It won't though and I get mad every time she suggests it because I can't get my hopes up over something like that. It cannot be cured with medication no matter how much either one of us wants it, and it makes me feel so shitty when she yells at me about this because I can't control it. I can't control the fact I was born with it and it hurts me so much when she does this because it makes me feel like a disappointment. Not only that, if I tried it I'd get my hopes up for it to work and when it didn't (and it is when not if) it would destroy me. It took YEARS for me to get anywhere close to accepting that it can't be cured, and I still have days where I struggle with it, but it's necessary for me to fight it. Once I accepted it I was able to live in peace and worked on figuring out how to get it under control which I've done for the most part. I have some slips every now and then but that's normal, and since I've accepted that it's going to happen I can get those slips under control before they turn into a full on wipeout (which I'm proud to say I haven't had in a year now!)

However I may consider seeking out help and considering antidepressant medication if my disorder doesn't fade out as I get older. There is a chance, which of course I am slightly hopeful for, but it's not guaranteed. I have a lot of trouble accepting help though because of pride and even though I know logically it's not true I feel like taking medication makes me weak...Also I'm scared I'd get addicted to it since I'm way more likely than the average person to get addicted to something. However I also want to be able to live a happy life, and having to deal with these slumps interferes with that. I've learned how to make peace with the disorder and I know I'll be able to if it doesn't fade away in my twenties, but I know there's no way I can make peace with these slumps...hearing I should consider medication from someone other than my Mom though makes me realize this, so I'm definitely going to take this into consideration.

Thanks again for the advice!

Kay
   
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organizedchaos Offline
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Re: Emptiness - August 3rd 2017, 05:10 AM

Celyn,

Thanks for the response it means a lot and was really helpful.

With my cousins we do talk through Snapchat and Instagram, but it's really only us sending each other funny memes or talking about good exciting things. It's hard to talk about the deep meaningful stuff because we all have our own issues with things like this that we're dealing with, which we all found out recently. When I opened up we all sort of opened up, and we realized we are all hot messes lol... So when we do talk we try to keep it short and light. However the ones I'm really close to I'm going to get to start seeing for the whole summer so hopefully then we'll be able to talk more about our issues and help each other. Maybe then we'd even feel more comfortable using something like Skype, I don't know though. I love the looking back at things idea and am going to start using that! I have a box in my room filled with polaroid pictures of us doing fun and crazy stuff together, and there's one special one that always cracks me up. Me and one of my cousins both have polaroid cameras so she took one of me and I took one of her, both of us were doing the same crazy pose and they're really funny.

I don't think a Hotline would help, I'm not really suicidal. It's not that I want to die, it's that I feel I'm not really living and that being alive is pointless. I never try to kill myself or ever even think about how to. I am really against it as I've seen what it can do to a family, since someone in mine did when I was really little. I don't remember them but I would never resort to that because I know how much it would hurt my family and I would never do anything to hurt them.

Also I did see a therapist for about half a year, and it really helped. She was amazing because she has the same disorder I do, and she was just an awesome person anyway. She helped me learn how to accept it, and then how to fight it and live with it. She impacted my life so much and I'm so grateful to her. I don't see her anymore though because I've gotten the disorder under control, now it's just dealing with the slumps... They don't happen all the time either, but when they do I feel so shitty, and I've felt shitty long enough I just want to be happy now. A close family friend is a life coach/therapist and I've been meeting with her recently to help with college and I've opened about about some stuff with her too though. I don't want to see her as a therapist because I don't want my parents to know, but I might try to reach out to her more for help with this since she's gone through a lot of the same things as me.

Thanks again!

Kay
   
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