Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!

Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

Closed Thread
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
Experienced TeenHelper
del677's Avatar

Posts: 511
Join Date: December 28th 2016

Flaws in others vs. me - October 13th 2017, 07:13 AM

Why is it so easy for me to accept flaws in other people, and so very difficult for me to accept flaws in myself?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
Celyn's Avatar
Name: Holly
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 6,028
Blog Entries: 188
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Re: Flaws in others vs. me - October 13th 2017, 01:35 PM

I'm wondering if it's because with other people, you accept that only they can change their flaws, so you feel like you have to accept them, or find some way of managing your reaction to their flaws. But with your own flaws, you know that only you can change them, which takes a lot of work. Not only that but we might feel hurt when others point out our flaws, or we find ourselves being our harshest critic. Either way, with other people, unless their flaws are affecting you, then there's more distance, but with you trying to accept your own flaws, it's more personal.

That's just my thoughts though and you probably have your own thoughts about this, especially if it was a particular situation that made you think about it.

HelpLINK and Live Help Officer
Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Everglow. Offline
Did you miss me?
Jeez, get a life!
Everglow.'s Avatar
Name: Hollie
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 5,059
Blog Entries: 756
Join Date: January 19th 2011

Re: Flaws in others vs. me - October 13th 2017, 03:26 PM

I feel very much the same! I think, in other people we accept that they are only human. Logically we all know everybody has flaws, including ourselves, so in other people it's easier to be objective. If we see that they are a good person regardless of their flaws, it's easy to accept them as they are, and if we don't like them because of their flaws, we have a choice to stop interacting with them and create some distance. However, with ourselves, we don't have that choice, so in that way we're our worst critics. If there's something I don't like about myself, I suddenly feel like everyone else must have noticed it too, and I find myself trying to change it because I can't distance myself from it.

Perhaps it's the same for you, or perhaps it is a bit different, but I always find I have more patience for other people than for myself.

A paradox:
The things you donít need to liveó
books, art, cinema, wine, and so onó
are the things you need to live

- Matt Haig

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
Experienced TeenHelper
del677's Avatar

Posts: 511
Join Date: December 28th 2016

Re: Flaws in others vs. me - October 15th 2017, 06:49 AM

Thank you everyone.

I'm still not clear on this. I'm thinking, maybe it's not so much my flaws, as it is my flawed actions. I do stupid things once in a while. I screw up.

Now, if someone else screws up towards someone else, that doesn't really affect me, as I'm not involved, so that's not a problem.

If someone else screws up towards me, that does affect me directly. But it also puts me in the powerful position of being the one who gets to chose if I'm going to forgive them or not.

If I screw up towards someone else, that puts me in the totally awkward position of having no power whatsoever to fix things, because it's all up to the other person if they want to forgive me or not.

It also puts me in the more awkward position of trying to explain why I screwed up, which is really hard to do when I don't fully understand it myself.

I could say, "Yea, I have XYZ disorder," as if that explains it. Except it doesn't. All it does is put a name to it. And if I read up on it, the literature just says, "Yes, these people screw up like this a lot, and they don't understand it."

It's like screwing up defines the disorder; and the disorder just describes the screw up.

Hopefully you can see how this is just circular, not getting anywhere.

Of course I am far too embarrassed to explain my screw up, even here, where I'm totally anonymous. (I'll have to think about why I'm that embarrassed!)

And of course I'm too embarrassed to ask the person for forgiveness. Or even talk to them! Like what am I going to say? If I understood it I could say, "Sorry. I understand what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry." Except I don't understand! so I can't honestly say that! All I can say is, "Everyone's telling me what I did was wrong. I don't understand it, so I'm probably going to do it again. I have XYZ disorder, which doesn't explain anything, it's just a name doctors gave people like me. So will you forgive me? Even though I don't understand? and I'm probably going to do it again someday? though not exactly the same way? It will be something completely different, but essentially the same thing, and again I won't understand why it's wrong, and no one will be able to explain it to me. It will just go down in my book as another "Don't do this again".

Cripes even I wouldn't want to live with someone like that. And I'm that person!

Last edited by del677; October 15th 2017 at 07:06 AM.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Golfing girl Offline
Be Creative. Always Dance.

I can't get enough
Golfing girl's Avatar
Name: Emma
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 2,219
Blog Entries: 217
Join Date: March 6th 2017

Re: Flaws in others vs. me - October 15th 2017, 05:32 PM


I am sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now. I agree with what is said up above, a lot of times you can see flaws in other people because you are around them all of the time and you can pick up what they are doing. So it's easier to see it in other people than yourself. When you are trying to figure out what you're flaws are, sometimes we can't always pick it out because we don't know how to see it or we are so hard on ourselves that we have to be perfect and we can't see it. Nothing is wrong with you, and please don't be too hard on yourself. If you are trying to see what you're flaws are when you see someone else doing something and you pick up on it, later that day or the next do what they we're doing and see if you are acting the same way. Or try not to think about it too much because you don't want to get upset or stressed out about this. I hope you will be ok soon. Hugs.
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
PM me anytime!

TeenHelp Veteran
.:Bibliophile:.'s Avatar
Gender: Just me

Posts: 17,600
Blog Entries: 1863
Join Date: January 18th 2009

Re: Flaws in others vs. me - October 15th 2017, 10:37 PM

I can relate to this to an extent but I think the thing you have to remember is that everyone does things that are seen as wrong. I have done some things that I definitely regret and there are times when I go over those things in my head over and over because I haven't truly forgiven myself for it.

I think that sometimes it is easier to accept other people's mistakes and wrongs than it is to accept our own because we hold ourselves to a higher standard.

I know, for me, personally, some of the things I have done in the past aren't me and I feel bad that I acted that way because I am not the type to do that but I expect that type of behavior from other people.

I think though, that when we are hard on ourselves about our mistakes we prevent ourselves from moving forward.

I hope that with time you will be able to learn to accept that everyone makes mistakes and everyone does wrong. It is all about learning from those mistakes.

|Lead Moderator|Newsletter Officer|
Closed Thread



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

All material copyright ©1998-2020, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.