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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
InDarkerLight Offline
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Name: McKinley
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Anyone else do this?! - December 12th 2017, 03:14 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ok so I think this may be the correct forum for this.
So.
Ever since I was little I have always been thinking about anything. I would just walk in circles and think. But then it was about pokemon or something. Starting in july, it started to bother me because I would think about the next school year. I got really anxious and in September rather depressed. Luckily, the worst it got for depression was cutting for a week but after that I was good and I started eating more again and all. Anyway, my mind has to always be thinking about something. I always have to be thinking and sometimes its about a girl, later about school and lately, starting in September, much darker thoughts. To even think I must be pacing (walking in circles) and probably have headphones on. Usually they are turned up loud so I feel alone or distant enough from the rest of my family to think straight. Thing is, I'll start to think for hours at a time. It took up my entire summer. Lately I just thought about... idk. Most of the time, they are imaginary scenarios over anything in life I'm running through my mind but lately they have been focused more on suicide. Dunno why, I'm not suicidal, its just an odd preoccupation to have. Sometimes ill just focus on the music and blank out for a bit. Sometimes they will be completely normal and nice thoughts. Have any of you just thought of darkness? Nothing specific but just darkness. Like reaching down to the saddest you can find inside yourself over and over again? Taking what is broken in life and just meditating on it until your about to cry? Running through an scenario so sad and odd that you tear up? So the thoughts are odd and what my mind runs to is also odd. Maybe its the loud music. Usually its just something depressing I have on. When I’m down and/or thinking a sad thought, I don't feel like playing anything else. Happy music just feels out of place at times. It's like wearing something flashy when you're sad. You want to switch to something more dull yet more comfortable. And I'm the only on listening so that's odd. Everything else is normal. My parents are used to seeing me pace and think. Any ideas? Anyone else relate in the slightest way possible?

Another thing that I've been thinking about is from a poem I read two and a half months ago:
She took a deep breath, She counted to three
A picture in her head, Of who they wanted her to be
They wanted her to be normal, Happy and kind
Little did they know, That this girl would be blind
Not blind by meaning, But blind in the heart
Blinded by darkness, Blinded by dark
She walks around lifeless, Her heart beating but dead
A walking corpse, She's lost inside her own head
Thing have no meaning, At least not anymore
she is not how she was, how she was once before
She is one of the living, But one of the dead
Part of her is missing, She hangs on by a thread
She hung her head low, and with one final bow
she stepped of the edge, saying one final vow
"I will not change who I am, as hard as any of you try"
"this is me giving up, this is one last goodbye"
I just picture a girl frozen in time, falling, is she crying? is she numb? does she regret it after she stepped off? What scenario caused this? I know she's depressed but I just keep trying to understand it. Sometimes I feel like I do and kinda wanna cut again. Its been nagging at me for months.

The moment I do understand it, I want to stop but when I don't, I want to again. When I don't understand it, I feel like I'm lying to myself by saying that I once did. I haven’t really understood it lately and therefore haven’t really felt any urge to cut though I’m not exactly fearful of doing so. I want to connect with the poem without feeling truly saddened by what I'm understanding. That's impossible. There's just a bunch of stuff like this bouncing around in my head.

It’s a daily thing but sometimes it’s only from 30 minutes to an hour and sometimes it’s a lot more. That really determines whether my day was good or bad. It’s really weird bc I don’t feel like there is something wrong but know there might be. It’s like when you hear a tall tale and really doubt it but this one is about myself.

Might be a few contradictions in there so please try your best to make sense of it. Thanks.

Btw: i don’t know what to do about the triggering tag so if I need it, please tell me.

Also: the poem is not mine but the one who wrote it is marked down as anonymous. I wouldn’t add it if it wasn’t important but it is.

Last edited by InDarkerLight; December 12th 2017 at 06:24 PM.
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Anyone else do this?! - December 12th 2017, 07:16 PM

I added the triggering prefix for you

I usually spend time thinking and pacing. Sometimes even talking out aloud! And when things get tough, the thoughts get more difficult. Have you heard of the word 'rumination'? When we ruminate, we tend to think a lot about things that aren't helpful to us. This could be thinking about the past, thinking about upsetting things or worrying about things. But it's also more than just thinking as it can consume us, which often makes us feel worse.

It sounds like you are preoccupied with dark thoughts, and it may be that the music, especially if the lyrics seem sad, might have an effect on you. It also sounds like this is taking up a lot of your time, even to the point where you don't do much else. Generally, when something has this affect, it's often unhealthy. Also, you might not be thinking of killing yourself, but it's still serious given that suicide is something that you seem to be preoccupied with.

With regards to the poem, I'm wondering if it's something you feel you identify with perhaps? You may feel that you understand it if you identify with the girl, and if that's the case then it may be triggering, and so you may feel like self-harming.

Our thoughts and reactions to things like music and poetry can definitely affect us and when we struggle with strong emotions, it can feel like it determines whether we have a good or a bad day.

Have you spoken to anyone else about how you have been feeling? How would you feel if you did speak to someone whether that's a family member, trusted friend, teacher or counsellor? When we feel low and spend time worrying and thinking about all sorts of things, we can feel isolated and cut off from everyone else. But you really don't have to go through this alone at all!


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