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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
RoboticOrange Offline
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I'm A Mess - February 10th 2018, 07:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is my first ever post on this site, and I'm going to come out and say it: I'm a mess.
A bit of backstory: I've been diagnosed with Asperger's and chronic fatigue. I was also diagnosed with depression a few years ago, but I don't know if the diagnosis is still there. I live with my mother and grandmother (mother's mother), both of whom are disabled. I have no siblings, my father does not live close to us, and the family on my mother's side is completely awful and my mother does not want me to even so much as meet them.
Back when my depression was really bad (at around 9-10ish) I would self harm with pencils that have had their lead broken, as I am scared of sharp blades such as normal razors and knives. I got a bit better, mostly because I met a friend online who really helped me. We actually refer to each other as siblings, even though we're not related. I haven't self harmed in years (about 6 years) but from about September 2017 onwards, I've been feeling awful again and begun to self harm again. I'm still scared of blades but my mother does various kinds of crafts, and some of the tools she has are pliers that have sharp points, so I use those. I can usually make myself bleed after a lot of scratching.
I'm 17, turning 18 this year, and I am useless. I am a mess. I cannot cook for myself, I'm barely able to function by myself, I cannot stand certain smells, I'm scared of loud noises, I get obsessed easily, and I'm really picky about certain foods. I know where I want to go in life but not how to get there. I am really uninformed, and I know I'll never make it in the "real world" because I am a mess. I couldn't even get a part time job working as a cashier because I am useless at managing angry, rude customers and just break down and start crying.
I'm also terrified about turning 18 this year because I am not ready. I am not ready to be an adult. I barely feel like a teenager. I cannot function. I've been considering committing suicide the day before my birthday, but I just need to figure out how.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm a complete and utter useless mess, and I really don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I came here to vent or for advice. I didn't even know where to put this as it includes such a wide range of topics.
   
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Re: I'm A Mess - February 12th 2018, 10:49 PM

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp! I'm glad that you reached out to us!

I'm sorry to hear that you have been dealing with Aspergers, mental health issues as well as disabled family members. That's a lot to be dealing with and it's understandable that this would cause you to feel that you have missed out on things and feel unready to become an adult.

When we get overwhelmed with things, it can be tempting to self-harm. You may want to check out our new alternatives for ideas with dealing with self-harm urges and other negative feelings. It's also really good that you have online friend that you feel comfortable talking to and getting support from!

You aren't useless or a mess. You've been dealing with a lot and you struggle with things, but that doesn't mean that you are useless or that you'll never cope. The good thing about growing up and becoming an adult is that you aren't expected to suddenly know how to do things. It takes time, so try to be gentle on yourself and be patient. You will develop skills over time, especially if you have goals and break them down into little steps. Perhaps try starting small...look up simple meals or recipes and have a read through. Watch videos of meal preparations. Then perhaps ask to prepare or help to prepare a meal.You might make mistakes but that's a normal process of learning.

I understand that with Aspergers, you may be more sensitive to smells and loud noises, as well as certain foods. That's okay as it's not something that you can help. And while you can't control it, you can find ways of dealing with these things. Remind others that you are sensitive to certain stimuli and ask that they bear that in mind. For loud noises, maybe wear some ear muffs or noise cancelling headphones.

It's really good that you know where you want to go in life! I'm wondering though what makes you feel like you don't know how to get there? Try to have some faith in yourself and challenge the negative self-talk. You might be struggling now, but you can learn, develop and grow and this takes time. But you'll get there!

It's also more than okay to not know how to deal with angry and rude customers- I wouldn't be able to do that either, and even those that do have to deal with difficult customers struggle too. Maybe have a look for other part time jobs that perhaps fit your strengths?

While you will legally be considered an adult when you are 18, it doesn't actually change much. You won't be expected to have everything figured out. Take things at your own pace. There's no rush or pressure. I really hope that you change you mind about suicide. Life can be challenging at times, but those moments won't last forever. And I'm sure you have plenty to look forward to!

I'm wondering if you have support in your life, perhaps from school, a social worker, or a counsellor? You don't have to deal with things by yourself and working with people who understand you, can help you to reach your goals.
It's more than okay to post things without knowing whether you are looking for advice or just a rant. Either way, I hope it helped!


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