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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Gidig Offline
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A plethora of random issues - February 21st 2018, 05:55 AM

Hey y'all,

It's been a while since I've been here. I hopped back on to see who all was still around and if I could be helpful. Then I realized maybe I can get some ideas thrown back to me too.

I've had a lot of shit happen. When I thought I had bad shit when I was younger, it's way worse as I get older lol I'll try to keep this short.

Two years ago, my boyfriend of 5 years got all twacked out and left me, he went to a whole other state. I was devastated, got into pills and alcohol pretty bad and really didn't have anywhere to go cuz my house turned into pretty much a flop house that I didn't want to keep my dog at and I ended up in a ton of fights in my own house. I also had a few suicide attempts after he left that got me hospitalized and all that. One of my boyfriend's and I had a mutual friend who offered to let me stay with him and said my dog could come too. I just brought a few things with me, and was coming back home regularly to check in on my dad (who my mom had just left due to his drug use and alcoholism). Anyway, this friend and I developed a relationship for about two months.

Then I got a call from my boyfriend saying he was coming back, he made a huge mistake and so forth. We talked a lot when he got back, he was upset about our mutual friend, but got over it.

A few days after my boyfriend got back, my dad was diagnosed with cancer that they couldn't do anything for and given 6 months. He made it another 5 days. My dad and my boyfriend were really close and I spent all of my energy on making sure he was okay.

Fast forward to now, the 25th it'll be two years since my dad passed. Honestly, I feel sad about it, but I still don't feel like I've grieved at all, even though I try to let myself. I struggle with my bipolar a lot and work full time. All of my energy goes into working. I feel like I'm either depressed or have no emotion at all. I've began cutting again, which I haven't done in 2 years.

While my boyfriend is awesome and we have a great a relationship, emotions are not his strong point. He's got that stubborn old school mentality that you should just pick yourself up. As a result I really don't have anyone to talk to. Yes, I should see a therapist but I don't keep appointments because I'm so emotionally exhausted after work (though I love my job and actually look forward to it). When I have no one to talk to I really miss the person I dates for a few months. While he didn't understand, he tried really hard to. He didn't judge me for any of it. I feel like a horrible fucking person since I don't talk to him at all, since that would really harm my relationship now.

Moral of the story, I feel like a shitty person and either have no control of my emotions or feel nothing. Self harm helps me a lot, I realize it's bad, but yeah, I feel like it's not as bad as what I could be doing.

Any advice, shout outs, ideas, whatever, would be appreciated!



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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: A plethora of random issues - February 23rd 2018, 06:42 PM

You're not a shitty person. It must've been very painful for you to have gone through your boyfriend leaving you, with nowhere else to go, and checking in on your dad with his drug use and alcoholism. It must've left you feeling very lonely and out of control, and even though drinking and taking pills wasn't the answer, I understand how bad you must've felt to get to that point, especially when you were hospitalised.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. That must've been an awful shock for you, and it seems like you were looking out for everyone else, but perhaps didn't have enough support for yourself. Having bipolar and working may have affected how you grieve, but at the same time grief is different for everyone. Sometimes we might think that grieving must last a certain length of time or must contain certain feelings, but there really isn't anything definite about grieving. If you feel sad, then maybe that is your grief? It's definitely good to set aside some time for feelings, but try not to force feelings to happen either, because on the flip side, even having no feelings can be part of grief too, I think.

Sorry to hear that you are cutting again. It's good that your relationship with your boyfriend is stronger, but I hear you in that, you also still feel alone in dealing with emotions if your boyfriend doesn't really deal with them either. I also understand that given your work, trying to have therapy as well would be time consuming, especially if you don't feel like it. I'm wondering if you have thought about over the phone or internet therapy? It might be a bit more convenient, especially if you are able to pick the times that suit you, and you don't have to travel anywhere to see a therapist.

It sounds like the person you dated briefly meant a lot to you, and even if he didn't understand, at least he tried. I'm wondering why you feel you can't talk to him without harming your relationship? It is possible to be just friends with ex's, and so long as the friendship is reciprocated, I see no harm in getting in touch with him, building up that friendship and having at least him as part of your support system.

Emotions can be difficult to deal with, even at the best of times, let alone with bipolar. But with enough support, and looking at how to manage urges (we have an updated resource you might want to check out: http://www.teenhelp.org/alternatives/ ) you'll be able to manage your emotions better. But in the meantime, try to be gentle on yourself- you've gone through a lot and are trying to find out how to deal with things, and that's a good start


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