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Want to get sterilized - May 26th 2018, 04:30 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So Iím not actually looking for advice on how to get sterilized but rather, how to get over my fixation on sterilization. I was also molested as a kid and I think that had a massive effect on how I view my biological sex as well as my self-image.

I donít know if youíd call this gender dysphoria (whilst still identifying as cis) or body dysmorphia. Iím only just turning eighteen this year so thereís absolutely no way a doctor would allow me to get this procedure, which is part of the reason I want to get over it. The other reason is I just donít want to feel like shit about myself...

Iím extremely squeamish and I have a huge fear of blood, needles, getting stitches, being put under anaesthesia, the mere mention of veins and arteries, practically anything medical. It is actually enough to make me vomit, it has happened in the past. I also feel a lot of revulsion towards my reproductive anatomy, I think this stems back to me being molested. I just donít like to look at my vagina and I donít like to think about it. I donít like to masturbate. Iíve talked about it a little bit in the past but I also just feel a lot of shame about my period and it just feels wrong. I also get bad PMS and the sight, smell and feel of blood doesnít help with my nausea at all. I even feel shame about having boobs, I would like a binder in the future. I donít want a double mastectomy because of the drainage bag they have to attach and because of the stitches.

Because of my phobias combined with my revulsion towards my body, I have a massive phobia of pregnancy. Like I had to watch a childbirth video in my Biology class and I actually cried because honestly, I was terrified at the prospect. I donít want to fall pregnant ever. I know this is awful but Iíve just got to say it... I feel like my only purpose is to just give birth. I mean, guys get to be strong and their bodies are a lot more convenient (flat chests, smaller hips, etc.) and they only have to fertilize the egg, thatís it. The only reason I have big hips is to give birth, my period is just a reminder I havenít conceived a kid yet, the only reason I even have a uterus is to grow the fetus and the only reason I have boobs is to feed my babies.

I feel like guys can basically do whatever they want (within the law obviously) but the only thing my body can do is bear children. And I just have no control over that. It sucks. Especially when people keep asking me when Iím having kids or if I want them and why I donít want them. And when they disregard my response by saying Iíll change my mind someday. I feel like if I were a guy they wouldnít say that, theyíre only asking because Iím a woman.

Iím sorry, Iím not usually this bitter but Iíve just been having a hard time lately. Itís not a new thought, Iíve been thinking about sterilization for months on and off. I really want to be sterilized, like a complete hysterectomy because I feel like Iíd gain some control. I wouldnít have my period anymore and I wouldnít have my uterus or any of those parts related to childbirth. Iíd still have my hips and everything but I feel like removing some of my discomfort would help a lot. I wouldnít feel so much like my body dictated my life anymore. Plus itíd be like, ďOkay I physically cannot get pregnant now so you can stop asking when itís happening.Ē

I feel like really, getting sterilized isnít the answer though. Realistically, I donít think Iíd do it because of the pain, blood, stitches, all that sort of thing. I know itís not a healthy fixation because I start to think that if Iím going to get sterilized, why stop there? I might as well get the double mastectomy and gender nullification surgery after all. I think to be happy, I need to get over my self-loathing and love myself as I am but I donít know how. And I guess thatís what Iím really asking, how do I just love myself (or my body, rather) and find worth in myself?
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Re: Want to get sterilized - May 26th 2018, 09:51 PM

have you thought about whether birth control might help alleviate this desire for sterilization? what i would specifically suggest for you is something that you don't have to think about everyday, like a hormonal IUD. the hormones could eventually stop your period from coming each month, and since it's an IUD you would rarely have to think about it, unlike birth control pills that you have to remember taking every day. just a thought.

however, i realize that wouldn't be treating the problem of this obsession with sterilization that you have, it would only be distracting from it. i think that you need to get to a point where you are comfortable with your body, and that's a lot easier said than done. i highly suggest you talk to a counselor about it because i'm not entirely sure what would help here. i do think that looking at yourself does a lot more to help than never looking at yourself. maybe you could practice staring at yourself in the mirror, once a day, for 30 seconds. recognize one thing that makes you uncomfortable about yourself, but then find one thing to compliment yourself on. (my old counselor had me do this and then tell myself things like, "i don't like my nose, but look at how pretty my eyes look today." it's okay to recognize your insecurities, but they shouldn't be the main focus. the main focus should be the positive thing about yourself.)

if you can't find something positive to say about your physical appearance, which can be difficult on the really bad days, then i think something that might help you a lot is recognizing what your body does for you each day.

i've heard of this one exercise where you look in the mirror and "thank" your different body parts for things they helped you accomplish that day. for example, "thank you feet, for walking me to school, so that i can become more educated and successful. thank you eyes for helping me to see the absolutely beautiful sunset today. thank you hands for helping me to pet my cat so that i could relax from all the stress i've been feeling." etc. it sounds silly, i know, but i do think that recognizing even the tiny things would help you to see that your body is so much more than just a reproductive system.

while i don't agree with you on what you said about guys being able to do whatever and we're just seen as "children bearers", i can see where you're coming from with that. you don't have to answer to anyone when they ask if you want to have kids. you can just say you don't know or that you don't feel comfortable talking about it.

the female body is so, so beautiful and we are so strong. some might even argue that our body is tougher than a man's, because it was built to endure childbirth. i'd suggest using your body in ways that prove it is strong and that can prove to yourself how much more you can do with it, besides bear children.

go for a run, hike a mountain, ride a bike.

i'm sorry if this wasn't much help, i'm still trying to love my own body myself. but i do think that focusing on the smallest things can make a lot of big progress with that.

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Re: Want to get sterilized - May 27th 2018, 09:31 PM

Just because you are a women with your reproductive organs doesn't mean you can't have a voice for your own health and rights as a person. You have that voice to express yourself, others may disagree with you but it is your body and not there body. You are living in your body, you can do whatever you wish to in order to feel comfortable and be your own self.

You brought up a few things and I would like to help you make some sense of it all.

Feeling your sexual identity doesn't fit with you and are conflicted because of trauma in your life that you experienced. Being sexually abused affects everyone differently and it is okay that you don't like your body. It makes sense. You have every right to feel the way you do. I am wondering, have you talked to a therapist, doctor or social worker about what happened to you and how you view your body? Talking about the trauma can be hard but it can also be helpful to be reconnected with your body again.

Being in too much pain during your periods isn't normal as it can mean other things are going on. Have you talked to a doctor about the painful periods you are having? If you are able to, request a referral to a gynecologist as they can do some tests for you to determine why you are having painful periods.

Seeing a gynecologist they may run some tests, like blood work or a pelvic exam to further investigate why you are having painful periods, can help aid them. It is understandable you have phobias for blood and needles. Would you want a doctor to investigate why you are having painful periods knowing some of the tests could trigger your phobias?

These questions are important for you to think about if you decide to see a doctor about it.

It isn't awful that you don't ever want to become pregnant. It is common for women to feel this way, as they will be happy without bearing children of their own.

I think what could be helpful is to talk to someone about what you want and how you want your body. Do you want a hysterectomy or gender nullification? Knowing you will encounter surgery or surgeries, stitches, healing time, pain, blood, and needles. I recommend talking to someone about your phobia of surgeries, blood, and needles. You would need to work on the phobia before so you are comfortable with what they will be doing to your body (blood work, testing, surgery, etc.).

Ultimately, this is your body, you do have reproductive rights for your own body in what you choose to do.

I hope this was helpful, if you need anything, feel free to let me know.

Take care.

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