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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Matthieu Offline
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Why am I like this? - November 23rd 2019, 11:05 PM

I've always made bad decisions. If I was given an inch I would take a foot. I would push people to their limits to see how far I could go, I'd be cocky and so on. Lately I've skipped out on classes. I do both college and high school I have one class at high school, one f***ing job and I couldn't even do it. My parents found out and they flipped, I've been in trouble so much in my life and had so many chances and this time they weren't having it. I don't understand why I keep choosing to turn my back on them. They've given me everything, every time I make a bad decision it's like all the times I was caught and punished didn't exists or happen. Then when I get in trouble again I feel bad and I hate myself. I don't have a reason why I do these things it would be so much better if I didn't but I do regardless. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I have all this anger and hatred inside me for no reason. It comes out of no where. I don't like it. Sometimes I hope someone bumps into me in the halls so I can shove them or hit them. It scares me, I shouldn't think like that. I've never acted on this though, but it comes to my mind from time to time. I don't want to hurt someone, it isn't their fault. I dream of beating someone up and I'm crying while doing it, saying I'm sorry while I hit them; these things confuse me.

I feel numb a lot now. I cry out of nowhere, I grit my teeth and get tired and shut down. I've never been like this before. I know I'm depressed it's obvious. I used to hate when people told me they were depressed, I never believed them, we're kids, we have nothing to be sad about. Some of them I knew it was for attention, you just don't go around saying "Hi my name is ___, I'm depressed". But now I see the others we're telling the truth. This is hell.

I have more I want to talk about, but, I feel like I shouldn't. I don't feel like I deserve to be here and be helped. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, no one to go to. All I have to communicate with others is this dumb f***king school laptop that blocks most helps sites and forums.

I'm sorry.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
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Re: Why am I like this? - November 24th 2019, 03:39 PM

For the record, I don't feel you need to apologize. This is a safe space and we are here to help. I am glad you came to us. I hope you find some solace in the replies you get.

It sounds like you have a LOT going on, and I am sorry you are struggling so much. It must be incredibly difficult. You are very strong for being able to ask for help, and very strong for being able to recognize the areas in which you are struggling and want to make improvements. I think that's very brave of you.

There is a reason for all the things we do; it may just not be clear. Self-sabotage is very common, especially in people who are struggling and especially with people who have trouble with their self image. I am not a therapist and don't claim to be as such but it sounds like you may have some internalized tendencies to self-sabotage. It's sometimes easy to push people to see how far they'll let you go and then, when consequences do come, it just makes you feel like shit. Sometimes you can keep doing it, though. It's just a pattern. But the first step to breaking any pattern is recognizing it.

Honestly, I would talk to your parents and tell them everything you've told us here. Depression is very serious, and they sound like they are understanding and compassionate parents. You can tell these things to your friends, too. Depression loves secrecy and isolation and it's good to combat those urges by asking for your help and being open with loved ones. I feel you could benefit from some therapy (especially to help deal with those violent urges) and maybe some medication, if your therapist or doctor feels that may be right for you. But to do that you need to ask for help.

You're not hopeless and you're not a lost cause and I don't think anything is wrong with you, honestly. I think you're just struggling, and that's normal, especially when you're under so much pressure. So reach out. Ask for help. Don't be afraid to admit you're struggling. You deserve support.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything else. I'm always here.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Serendipity. Offline
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Re: Why am I like this? - November 24th 2019, 07:07 PM

Please reach out for support before you reach your breaking point.

There is no shame in feeling and thinking things; it's acting on them that makes the difference.

You've got this.

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