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Mood swings - November 25th 2019, 05:19 PM

I’m a bit concerned about myself. I have Bipolar Disorder and lately things have been good. The past few days I felt really positive. Not manic, just positive. But then yesterday I crashed super hard. I cried all day. I yelled at my roommate (through text, but still). I was super suicidal. I kept looking over at an obvious method and contemplating it. Like seriously contemplating it. It was such a powerful mood swing, and such a sudden shift!

I eventually went to sleep and feel better after waking up, but I am still concerned. I’m worried it could happen again. I was also tempted to self-harm during this episode in a way that would’ve possibly killed me. I still kind of want to. I can’t have this. I can’t have mood swings this powerful with urges this strong. All it takes is one moment of weakness to possibly do irreversible damage, maybe even to end my life. I’m scared.

I don’t know what I’m seeking. Maybe hope? Reassurance? I was feeling good about going back to school but now I don’t know. I don’t know if it was a one-off or I need a med change. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in almost three months. She’s taking her practice out of state soon so I need to find a new one but I can’t find the motivation for some reason. I’m also scared to see her because I’ve self-harmed so much since then (three medical hospitalizations and one psychiatric) and I’m afraid of what she will say.

I just wish I was normal.



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Re: Mood swings - December 1st 2019, 06:23 PM

Sorry for the late reply! How are you feeling now?

Going through such extreme mood swings, with strong urges sounds truly awful to deal with. But I think you should take a moment to be proud of yourself that despite suddenly feeling suicidal and seriously contemplating a method- you didn't act on the urge. That must've taken a tremendous amount of strength but you got through it!

I think it's very understandable that you would feel worried about a mood swing like that happening again. It must be very scary to realise that a sudden shift in mood, and acting on a strong urge could cause irreversible damage. You got through it once on your own, and though I really hope it doesn't happen again for you, I have every faith that you would be able to get through it- you are strong and have proved that.

How are you feeling about school? I think it may help to have something to keep you occupied, but equally you want to put your health first and don't want to add more stress than necessary. Do you know if anything might've triggered the episode? It may have been a one off, but as you said, it may also signal needing a med change. If possible, try and check in with your psychiatrist about this. You could also ask her for any recommendations of other psychiatrists too. While your psychiatrist is human and may have a range of feelings on hearing how you've self-harmed, she is also your psychiatrist. She knows that you are human too and that you are struggling and in need of help. You deserve compassion, kindness and empathy and your psychiatrist shouldn't treat you any less.

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Re: Mood swings - December 1st 2019, 06:27 PM

Thank you for your reply! I saw my psychiatrist Wednesday and she changed my meds a bit. I'm kind of hanging out more on the depressed side of things now than the manic side but overall my mood is closer to balanced than out of whack. If my psychiatrist had feelings about my self-harm she didn't say anything about it. She was more concerned because neither of the hospitals I had been in (medical and psychiatric) had contacted her to say I was a patient there, even though they had a release of information for her. Going two and a half months without seeing her was a little much, I think, for both of us.



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