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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TH Anonymous Offline
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I don't know - January 7th 2020, 08:13 PM

[SIZE="a"]If you don't want to, you don't have to read this. In the previous*year,*I had changed drastically. I am more satisfied with my personality now. In the past 3 years, nothing else in my life changed, at least not in a good way. Almost every day was and remains the same. Everything was monotonous, and it started getting even worse. Earlier in my*life,*I was shy always and didn't want to be alone, so when someone was insulting I couldn't or I didn't want to respond to them with my piece of mind. I wasn't myself. But now that changed and anymore I don't care for*the opinion*of*others,*and what they say to me, it means nothing to me. I always had a problem with a public appearance. It was just in school. In*the past*few years, whenever I was in a school and I had to have verbal communication with teachers when I had exams I was terrified. I would start shaking and breathing hard, and I was stuttering, and*everything*I learned would disappear and would go out of my head and I couldn't remember it. It was a really awful feeling which I constantly had. I was a perfect student always, well until now. I started high school in September 2019, and*I didn't have the will for studying anymore because of all my problems and constant overthinking. In the past*year,*I started having more and more issues with panic, and I started panicking about school and my future a lot. I would just wake up or be in a school and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly, I would be shaking, I couldn't feel my arms and legs, I had difficulty just walking, and*there*was just so much stress that I couldn't walk or be in the same spot, and*it hurt so much physically that I was crying so hard and didn't understand it. I felt so awful and*scared, it was so uncomfortable and I just wanted it to stop. Sometimes when I was going to a public place or to meet someone new I had that feeling again like something bad will happen and I had that feeling in my stomach. I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to and I won't kill myself because I want to live. I'm trying to be positive, but I just can't see anything good coming, it's just becoming worse and worse. And I just want it to stop. I want to feel true happiness and joy.*I want*a better life and future.*I*want to love and a successful career.*I*want children.*I*want so many things, but I just don't see anything about it coming true.*I*can't bring myself to study, and my memory is awful.*I*can't remember anything.*I*don't feel the need to drink water or to eat. It's like I don't have to do it. I don't know if*I drink*like two cups of water a day. I think I have anger issues because I have a hard time controlling my anger and I become aggressive when I annoy myself or someone or something annoys me, I feel so much better if I hit something and I often hit a wall with my fist because*then*I kinda feel alive.*I feel*like I have no energy. Like I'm totally empty. Pathetic. Disgusting. Selfish. Awful person. Awful sister.*Awful*friend.*Awful*daughter. I don't feel good at all. It's so hard. I constantly worry about my education, my health, my appearance, and my family. So many thoughts for just one brain. They are always there.*I feel*like this is just a phase, and*I believe this sounds pathetic and I'm just imagining*things, but it doesn't feel that way. At all. I don't seek attention; I just had to say this to someone. I couldn't hold it in anymore.*I*just want to*have a better*life and feel better.[/size]
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know - January 11th 2020, 09:45 PM

Hey there,

Sorry you havenít had a reply yet. I really hope that typing everything out helped you a little.

Being shy when we are younger and feeling anxious when called out by teachers is common for many and it makes sense that you might have wanted to change this and not care about other peopleís opinions. When we are put under pressure, we may feel anxious and experience symptoms of anxiety such as shaking and breathing hard. When we notice these symptoms, it becomes harder to focus on what the teacher asked us so we feel our minds have gone blank and we are unsure how to answer, which may reinforce the feelings of anxiety.

When we are anxious and overthinking a lot, it can definitely affect out performance at school, and life in general. It sounds like you feel a lot of anxiety and worry in general, and the symptoms you experience such as suddenly feeling you canít breathe, shaking, not feeling your arms and legs also sound like symptoms of panic attacks (though we arenít professionals and we canít diagnose or say for sure that what you experiencing are panic attacks). Panic attacks can be scary and upsetting, but they donít last forever and they wonít harm you. It can be helpful to learn deep breathing techniques such as breathe in deeply for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds and then breathe out for 3 seconds and repeat for a minute or until you feel calmer. Itís good to practice in general, so that when you feel anxious, you can use deep breathing to calm yourself before reaching a panic attack. Doing deep breathing exercises will help with the physical sensations of anxiety you may be experiencing. You can also try grounding techniques - for example, paying attention and naming things that you can see, hear, touch, smell etc. This will help you to focus on the present and not on your worries or feelings of anxiety.

You mention that you also experience anxiety when going to a public place, meeting someone new, and that in general, you were a perfect student and you worry about school and your future. Itís good that youíve identified situations where you experience anxiety, and Iím wondering if perhaps you get a lot of thoughts that perhaps suggest you arenít good enough and you worry about other peopleís judgements? No-one is perfect, and Iím sure that you, as you are now, is good enough. Whenever you get thoughts that you arenít good enough, or that things will go bad, it can help to try countering your anxieties. For example, when you get thoughts that you arenít good enough or that things will go bad, try to challenge them. You donít have to try to be positive, but you can make things less negative for yourself e.g. if you worry about meeting new people, instead of thinking that no-one will like you, remind yourself things like other people might be nervous too, itís okay to be a bit nervous, if someone doesnít like you it may be more about them than you.

Iím sorry to hear that you have experienced suicidal thoughts. Iím glad that you donít act on these thoughts but if you ever want to talk to someone, you might want to check out our hotlines. Itís also good that realise you want to live and have reasons for wanting to live. But Iím wondering why you feel you canít see any of the things you want coming true? Remember, we all have our own paths in life and there is no right or wrong way to live or that you should be doing certain things at certain ages. Thereís no rush. I think a lot of the time school can put a lot of pressure on us and make us feel that we have to be meeting high expectations at all times and that we should have things planned out, and we should be meeting these goals at certain times in our life, but really, we can do things in our own time.

When you experience a lot of anxiety, it can bring your mood down too and make it difficult to concentrate. If you canít bring yourself to study, maybe you can try talking to a teacher about how you have been feeling? If you are struggling with your mental health, and itís affecting your school work, then you should be able to get accommodations. You deserve support and you donít have to struggle with this by yourself.

When we experience low mood, it can make every day tasks like eating and drinking difficult. Maybe you can try setting reminders on your phone to encourage you to eat and drink? You might not feel like it but itís still important to try to carry on doing these things and you might feel a bit better as well, just by knowing you are trying to care of yourself. Low mood can also make us feel like we have little energy but it can actually help to try to keep active- maybe you can go for a walk or do chores like cleaning? You might feel a bit better when you have done something productive or active.

When you are struggling with anxiety and low mood, it also makes sense that you may feel more anger and aggression too. It can be tempting to lash out but hitting a wall with your fist may be hurting you more than itís helping as it could be seen as a form of self-harm, especially if you feel more alive when you do it. Maybe try swapping hitting a wall for ripping up paper, punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow etc.?

You are not pathetic, disgusting or selfish and Iím sure youíre not an awful sister, daughter and friend either. Youíre also not imagining things. What it does sound like, however, is that you are struggling to deal with anxiety, low mood and anger and this in turn may be affecting how you see your future- that even though you know what you want, you worry it wonít happen. Iím wondering if you have tried talking to anyone in your life about how you have been feeling recently- perhaps a family member or a close friend? It can really help to talk to someone and it sounds like you could do with the support. It might also be worthwhile looking into counselling- either from your school or from a referral from your doctor. It is possible to learn to manage the anxiety so that itís not preventing you from living the life you want and deserve.

You are also more than welcome to continue using TeenHelp as well as Live Help and HelpLINK!

Hope this helps a bit and that you can continue reaching out for the support you need so that you can live the life you want!


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know - January 24th 2020, 01:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TH Anonymous View Post
[SIZE="a"]If you don't want to, you don't have to read this. In the previous*year,*I had changed drastically. I am more satisfied with my personality now. In the past 3 years, nothing else in my life changed, at least not in a good way. Almost every day was and remains the same. Everything was monotonous, and it started getting even worse. Earlier in my*life,*I was shy always and didn't want to be alone, so when someone was insulting I couldn't or I didn't want to respond to them with my piece of mind. I wasn't myself. But now that changed and anymore I don't care for*the opinion*of*others,*and what they say to me, it means nothing to me. I always had a problem with a public appearance. It was just in school. In*the past*few years, whenever I was in a school and I had to have verbal communication with teachers when I had exams I was terrified. I would start shaking and breathing hard, and I was stuttering, and*everything*I learned would disappear and would go out of my head and I couldn't remember it. It was a really awful feeling which I constantly had. I was a perfect student always, well until now. I started high school in September 2019, and*I didn't have the will for studying anymore because of all my problems and constant overthinking. In the past*year,*I started having more and more issues with panic, and I started panicking about school and my future a lot. I would just wake up or be in a school and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly, I would be shaking, I couldn't feel my arms and legs, I had difficulty just walking, and*there*was just so much stress that I couldn't walk or be in the same spot, and*it hurt so much physically that I was crying so hard and didn't understand it. I felt so awful and*scared, it was so uncomfortable and I just wanted it to stop. Sometimes when I was going to a public place or to meet someone new I had that feeling again like something bad will happen and I had that feeling in my stomach. I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to and I won't kill myself because I want to live. I'm trying to be positive, but I just can't see anything good coming, it's just becoming worse and worse. And I just want it to stop. I want to feel true happiness and joy.*I want*a better life and future.*I*want to love and a successful career.*I*want children.*I*want so many things, but I just don't see anything about it coming true.*I*can't bring myself to study, and my memory is awful.*I*can't remember anything.*I*don't feel the need to drink water or to eat. It's like I don't have to do it. I don't know if*I drink*like two cups of water a day. I think I have anger issues because I have a hard time controlling my anger and I become aggressive when I annoy myself or someone or something annoys me, I feel so much better if I hit something and I often hit a wall with my fist because*then*I kinda feel alive.*I feel*like I have no energy. Like I'm totally empty. Pathetic. Disgusting. Selfish. Awful person. Awful sister.*Awful*friend.*Awful*daughter. I don't feel good at all. It's so hard. I constantly worry about my education, my health, my appearance, and my family. So many thoughts for just one brain. They are always there.*I feel*like this is just a phase, and*I believe this sounds pathetic and I'm just imagining*things, but it doesn't feel that way. At all. I don't seek attention; I just had to say this to someone. I couldn't hold it in anymore.*I*just want to*have a better*life and feel better.[/size]
Personally I think, that you need to relocate in other country, in Indonesia for example, Bali island.
   
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