Red flags in therapists

[Ennui.]

I’ll be meeting with a new therapist and honestly a lot of my former ones, especially my recent ones, have been big old buckets of red flags that I ignore. What are some things I should look out for in terms of red flags, but also in terms of positives?

[Stacey]

Green Flags:
They are respectful of who you are and how you identify.
You don't need to constantly re-explain things.
They're open to feedback.
When they challenge you on occasion, it's not judgemental and doesn't feel antagonistic.
Most importantly, you feel heard and like your feelings are valid.
They practice active listening.
They encourage boundary setting.
If you ask for "homework" they can provide you with appropriate readings, tools, practices.

Red Flags:
Any unethical behaviour - flirting, violating confidentiality, trying too hard to be your "friend", crossing boundaries.
Racist, sexist, bigoted remarks.
You feel they're distracted or not paying attention.
They cancel on you last minute, on multiple occasions.
They don't accept feedback.
You feel judged, shamed, or embarrassed (because of something they say/do in response).
Trust your gut - if you get a bad feeling even if you can't put a finger on why, you do not have to stay.

[Kate*]

I've only had two that were bad, one I just couldn't open up to, I don't know why.

The other one had just about every red flag (outside of ethics violations) that could possibly exist. Her main job was working with the elderly, so I was semi-forgiving of the fact that she literally YELLED the entire time, and we were maybe 3 feet apart. She spoke badly of my previous therapist, who I had really liked, because they used different modalities, and suggested I should be further along. And she kept throwing my psych degree in my face "You have a degree in psychology", like how could I not know certain things. She was much more on the psycho-educational side. so I felt like I was failing a test, it was ridiculous. And when I told her why I was there and how long ago things had happened, her immediate response was "Well, that was a long time ago." Um, DUH that's why I need your help to deal with it! I only stayed, because I wasn't sure if Medicaid would pay if I walked out. So, basically any of those.

Hopefully, you'll get somebody you'll immediately "click" with, you should feel like you'd be able to tell them things without it being super scary or awkward. And, remember, they work for you, not the other way around, so if it's just not working, you don't have to stay with them.

[Celyn]

From my own experiences combined with reading and being involved in counsellor training groups....

Red flags would be:

Promotes one type of therapy over another (while there are some therapies that are highly recommended it's also important to remember that not all types are going to work for everyone).
Isn't aware of their biases (for example, BPD has a big stigma and sometimes when someone is diagnosed or suspected with that, others will treat them differently, causing a reaction in the person who has BPD only to get told that the reaction is from BPD and doesn't acknowledge their part in the process).
Isn't open minded (it doesn't matter how many qualifications or how much experience a therapist has if they can't be open minded about their clients situations).
Doesn't get back to you/cancels on you (personal experience, a counsellor asked if we could take a break, I said okay, the counsellor made a note in her diary to resume in a few months time and I never heard from her and was too anxious to get in touch as I thought she might've been too busy for me).
Assumes things/puts words in your mouth (one counsellor assumed I was scared of something because I hadn't done it but that wasn't the case at all...she assumed I was scared but didn't ask if that was the case).
You feel pressured to continue with them (whether it's external pressure from the therapist or internal pressure that you can't quite figure out).
You feel, for whatever reason, they just don't quite 'get' you (whether there are misunderstandings or not, it's difficult to work with someone that you feel doesn't actually understand you).

I'm guessing green flags would be the opposite of all that. Importantly, they are there to meet your needs (which they should establish at the start) and help you figure out the way forward. They might not know all the answers (and they should know when to refer you onwards if they feel they can't help you) but they should try to tailor their approach to you. Personally, I'd add into the red flags isn't aware and doesn't understand neurodiversity but that's just me

[Dawn.]

The only advice I can give is to see whether or not they make you feel comfortable when you speak about what you are going through and for them to give you helpful tips.

[Rivière]

Thankfully my experiences with counsellors have been mostly positive.

The first two were really nice. They were actively listening to everything I said. Any time I got stuck or lost for words they were able to prompt conversation. They were quite friendly and allowed me to speak about whatever was on my mind, even if it was something casual like me complaining about my day. Some other positives were that they made me feel like they were also my friend, and that I could share anything with them and not feel judged by it.

The last one I had was an abuse counsellor. While she was ok for the most part, maybe I'm just not used to counsellors writing things down all the time. I know it's a way of remembering important information, but for me it can make me feel like I have to keep stopping to let them write because otherwise they're not 100% listening to everything I'm saying. In one instance, they mistook me 'laughing' as a sign of mockery because they mentioned they met someone who had money and chose to stay with them solely to get out of their bad home situation. They thought I was mocking them and responded, 'You can laugh... some women do this..' except my laugh (those laughs you do where you smile and breathe outward through your nose heavily a moment) was a nervous one because I'd barely started seeing her. Another time I opened up about my childhood and about my mum and the home situation with my father as a toddler. When I told her about the abuse and everything, she said that my mum 'wasn't very good'. I understand that she wanted to support me, but at the same time, my mum couldn't be blamed for how my father abused me. It's not something a person can ever expect. You don't expect the love of your life to sexually abuse your kids. To say she was a bad mother was just completely uncalled for and incorrect. The way she went on about my mum made me feel like she was trying to make me feel dislike towards my own mother and to me made me so anxious I stopped going back.

[Allyson Wood]

Originally Posted by Dusk.

The only advice I can give is to see whether or not they make you feel comfortable when you speak about what you are going through and for them to give you helpful tips.

I am also going to apply this to myself.

[kirilpopinin]

The advice I can give is to see if they make you feel comfortable talking about what you're going through and have them give you helpful advice.