TeenHelp - "I fear that my fantasies are destroying myself" UPDATE

[SIZE="a"]Hey, it's me, the same girl who made the "I fear that my fantasies are destroying myself" post. I have some updates, which are actually pretty much all positive.

I've turned fifteen and ended my ninth grade year since I made that post, and I feel a lot better. School was part of the reason for a lot of my depressive episodes, and I have high hopes that tenth grade will be a big improvement. I chose better classes (not as many honors/advanced classes so less stressful hopefully) and I will be in a couple of new programs that will help me find new friends and interests.:D

I find that my fantasies are actually dying down a lot. Nowadays, it's extremely rare that I'll find myself fantasizing about SS officers, and I have also stopped drawing them all the time. When I do draw them, it's not nearly as much in bad faith anymore. I'll usually draw them for the purpose of satire/historical cartoons instead of for the purpose of entertaining fantasies. (I.e. I won't draw them bound up and gagged:innocent:)

I found that another thing that made me feel ashamed/unhappy about my fantasies was that I'm fifteen and the men I fantasized about were always at least, like, twenty. I'm guessing that the age gap, and the power dynamic coming from it, always made the fantasies feel especially uncomfortable. When I realized that was part of the reason for the disgust I experienced, it really helped me move onto better things.

More often nowadays I've been daydreaming about more romantic (non-sexual) and wholesome things with boys my age, and it feels a lot better. I feel like my mind has healed, at least for the most part. I feel more healthy from the inside out, and I'm so glad about it. I think (and I hope) I'm on the path of healing for good. Thank you all for your help and support. I'm grateful that I reached out back when things were really rough, because now I'm out of that rough patch and it feels great.:hug:[/size]