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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kyttenrawr Offline
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Name: Stephanie
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: USA

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Join Date: August 18th 2009

Something is wrong with me..[life story included] - August 18th 2009, 04:58 PM

Okay soo..I don't really know how to start this. But my name is Stephanie, and i'm 15 and i'm a sophomore in high school. I suffer from major depression, i don't remember the last time i was actually happy. I guess this is because the years of abuse[teasing] i endured in school.

In elementary/middle school I was at the same school, it was a magnet school and had two classes(20 or less kids per class) and it was like this the 8 years I've gone there. I constantly got teased by the same people over and over again, because i was fat and ugly, this is easy to admit because it was true. I didn't care about myself back then or how I looked. Also i didn't have friends either, in 2nd grade everyone found there own little group and i was left with no one. i still had people to talk to and i went over peoples houses but i never felt like they were actually my friend. as years went on the clits started to become more well known, there was like popular girls, popular guys, the nice girls(where i usually hung out with, though i never felt welcome), the geeky guys, and the not so popular girls but they could still be popular. there wasn't a click for the shy girl who didn't know how to make friends.

To make matters worse, i wasn't all that smart either. well in math, i was really stupid but i excelled in reading/writing. like my scores were literary,reading/writing: better then most kids, math/science: worse then most kids. i don't know why i was so bad at math, i just didn't get it. but i really hope i could because in 5th grade they put me in the "special class" not for like mentally special just the dumb kids. i was like only girl in that class and all the guys teased me ruthlessly. it didn't help that we had pizza parties and i had to sit there eating, while all the guys snickered as they called me fat. that was basically my elementary life: getting teased and feeling horrible.

then middle school rolled around, and it got a little better. i started wearing makeup and got my hair done(its curly so when i got it done it was all straight and long). i also started to care what people thought so i dropped a little weight. that was the only positive thing. then it happened, i changed.. i started to really care and i got nervous when i spoke. my words get all jumbled and i just sound dumb. also i started dwelling on simple mistakes and having overwhelming guilt, so overwhelming i considered suicide to end it all. i still suffer from this, and i don't know why.

then high school, my first year was okay. i had to transition from a very small school of 300 kids to a very big school of 3000 kids. the only hard thing was finding my classes and finding friends. once i found my classes and felt comfortable i started making friends. but the drama was unbearable it wasn't about me just my friends, and i started to do very badly in math class. they put me in algebra one even though i failed prealg/:. so i had to suffer through that, and the teachers were really rude to me. they made it seem like it was my fault i wasn't getting it, though it was theres. so i had guilt about that and i felt really stupid. it brought down my gpa. like I had ALL a's in all my classes even science. but i had a big f in math. eventually they put me in the right class and i passed it with 100%. i feel like im rambling about unnecessary stuff but i hope this makes who ever reads this understand me better.

anyway uhm, idk what my problem is..

im really depressed, and never happy.
i never show emotion
i feel overwhelming guilt about simple things
i can't think straight or make logical decisions(sometimes)
i can't make friends easily.
i overthink everything.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
savealife723 Offline
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Re: Something is wrong with me..[life story included] - August 18th 2009, 05:43 PM

Hello Stephanie,
First off, Welcome To Teenhelp! (:
I'm sure you'll like it here. It's a great site, and everyone is so nice and friendly. All of us are here to help you. I'm Kayla.
Alright, Let's See..
I found your life story rather interesting to read.

Now, With your problem.
It's really common for most teens to feel this way. Some people feel this way longer then other's though, so I'm glad you found this site to help you. It really will. If you go into our depression and suicidal forum, there is a "reasons to live" at the top, and it just shows a bunch of ideas that you can think about when you are upset, and they will help you. not all of them will work for everything, but you should go check it out, and see if any will work for you!

and also, in our Self Harm forum, there are altnernative activities, they are for resisting self harm, but i found that if you do them to take your mind off being upset, they work also. you should really go and check them out. there are some really good ones.

if you can't think straight, try organizing some of your thoughts before adding another thing to think about. the alternatives would be really good for that too. it would help your mind get a little more organized and you should be able to think more clearly.

if you can't make friends easy, you came to definitely the right site. you make new friends so easily on here, and everyone is so nice. i think it's because we understand each other a lot more then some people do. but you should try talking to people on here. i'm sure we would all love to be friends with you!
i will be your friend if you would like. .
you can MSN me anytime.

i hope this helped you. i really tried to give it the best i could to help. if you ever need anything else, feel free to Private Message me at anytime. i would love to talk to you more.

Take Care,
Kayla(:
SaveALife723


When you can't find your way home,
and when life gets too hard to face on your own.
I will stand as a light through the darkness unknown,
I will walk with you, so you're never alone.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
fresco Offline
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Name: Sam
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Re: Something is wrong with me..[life story included] - August 18th 2009, 06:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyttenrawr View Post
Okay soo..I don't really know how to start this. But my name is Stephanie, and i'm 15 and i'm a sophomore in high school. I suffer from major depression, i don't remember the last time i was actually happy. I guess this is because the years of abuse[teasing] i endured in school.

In elementary/middle school I was at the same school, it was a magnet school and had two classes(20 or less kids per class) and it was like this the 8 years I've gone there. I constantly got teased by the same people over and over again, because i was fat and ugly, this is easy to admit because it was true. I didn't care about myself back then or how I looked. Also i didn't have friends either, in 2nd grade everyone found there own little group and i was left with no one. i still had people to talk to and i went over peoples houses but i never felt like they were actually my friend. as years went on the clits started to become more well known, there was like popular girls, popular guys, the nice girls(where i usually hung out with, though i never felt welcome), the geeky guys, and the not so popular girls but they could still be popular. there wasn't a click for the shy girl who didn't know how to make friends.

To make matters worse, i wasn't all that smart either. well in math, i was really stupid but i excelled in reading/writing. like my scores were literary,reading/writing: better then most kids, math/science: worse then most kids. i don't know why i was so bad at math, i just didn't get it. but i really hope i could because in 5th grade they put me in the "special class" not for like mentally special just the dumb kids. i was like only girl in that class and all the guys teased me ruthlessly. it didn't help that we had pizza parties and i had to sit there eating, while all the guys snickered as they called me fat. that was basically my elementary life: getting teased and feeling horrible.

then middle school rolled around, and it got a little better. i started wearing makeup and got my hair done(its curly so when i got it done it was all straight and long). i also started to care what people thought so i dropped a little weight. that was the only positive thing. then it happened, i changed.. i started to really care and i got nervous when i spoke. my words get all jumbled and i just sound dumb. also i started dwelling on simple mistakes and having overwhelming guilt, so overwhelming i considered suicide to end it all. i still suffer from this, and i don't know why.

then high school, my first year was okay. i had to transition from a very small school of 300 kids to a very big school of 3000 kids. the only hard thing was finding my classes and finding friends. once i found my classes and felt comfortable i started making friends. but the drama was unbearable it wasn't about me just my friends, and i started to do very badly in math class. they put me in algebra one even though i failed prealg/:. so i had to suffer through that, and the teachers were really rude to me. they made it seem like it was my fault i wasn't getting it, though it was theres. so i had guilt about that and i felt really stupid. it brought down my gpa. like I had ALL a's in all my classes even science. but i had a big f in math. eventually they put me in the right class and i passed it with 100%. i feel like im rambling about unnecessary stuff but i hope this makes who ever reads this understand me better.

anyway uhm, idk what my problem is..

im really depressed, and never happy.
i never show emotion
i feel overwhelming guilt about simple things
i can't think straight or make logical decisions(sometimes)
i can't make friends easily.
i overthink everything.
Good job on getting nearly all As... Oh man I am sooo bad at math too. Everything else is ok...but then math class and I have to teach everything to myself on my own time, at my own pace. It suuuuucks. but anyway.

It sounds like you're collecting things in your mind. And it's a bad thing in your case because you hold onto the bad things. Theres a saying that goes something like "Ten good things can happen to you but it's the one bad thing that you'll remember" and it's true. There's always gonna be obstacles in your way, or days that make you just want to stay sad forever so you never have to let yourself down again. It makes you lower expectations, isolate yourself so you never get happy, and just keep yourself sad forever so you never get let down.

I think that's what is going on with you. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or experienced with anything that would give me license to like "diagnose" you but I think the technical term here is depression. Depression can be responsible for all the problems that you listed. It can change your thinking, your actions, and your feelings. From what you posted it sounds like you probably even know that's what's going on, but like most things it's hard to know what to do when it's happening to you. (I'm really liking the rhyming action going on with that last part. but anyway.)

There are many ways to sorta fight depression. There's distracting your mind from the bad things and surrounding yourself with people, objects, and places that make you genuinely happy; there's going to the doctor and getting prescribed help; there's writing down your thoughts whenever they're holding you down. I just kinda did that one day when I was bored and it just really helped to understand my thinking. I just wrote down a main thought, like "I'm sad" and I kept adding "why?" or "so?" after it. Eventually I got somethin like...

I'm sad
why?
I'm bored
why?
my friends wont hang out with me
why?
because they're busy
why?
im not sure
why?
maybe i should ask them
why?

And you can start a new thought "tree"/whatever for related thoughts. It also kinda makes you question "Yeah, why am I doing that?", but in a totally sane way.

...I mean, it looks kinda stupid and I'm a lil bit embarassed that it's likely someone's gonna read that and interpret it as me documenting my downward spiral into institutionalization but if you do that, it's for your eyes only. You can even put the thoughts down in like a Notepad document on your computer. It really helps to clear up your mind, I think.
   
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