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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LoveMeNot Offline
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Name: Shelly
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Unhappy I'm Lost and I Can't Make It On My Own - August 27th 2009, 08:17 AM

Hey,
Today when I was at my friends house I started having bad thoughts(how I'm a dumb ass, why am I here they don't like me, he's right they're just using me, useless stupid etc/suicide), and just kind of stared off into space for like 30 minutes.
I think I may have depression but I'm not sure, I always think; "you don't have depression, there's nothing wrong with you at all you're just a faker an attention seeker" and so I convince myself not to get any help.

I have been a self harmer since around grade 7-8 and I'm in grade 12 (victory lap of 12)[it's not consistent SH, the longest I've gone without S/H I believe is almost a year]. I was reading info on a couple sites and I started thinking.
When I get upset it doesn't last for 2 weeks on ends but it last a couple days. I have really intense moments where I can't go on without have a big SL moment where I am just completely numb and uncaring (I enjoy the pain I bring to my arms/those last for the rest of the night from whenever the feeling starts until 8 hours after I wake up. Sometimes longer, or they come back randomly for a couple days.).
I have in the past/present beat myself up for being fat, stupid, I am seriously paranoid of my friends I don't trust them I also feel like they're going behind my back or sometimes(I don't hang out with anyone anymore. I just am with my boyfriend and this one family who I was talking about above) it gets bad where I feel like someones(groups of people are) laughing at me when I pass them in the school halls.
During my grade 12 year I really messed up, I was skipping, not doing work, sleeping in class getting in fights with my 4th period teacher, destroying school property and just felt like crap. My counselor caught me skipping so much he would bring me to his office, and either I would piss him off or I would be crying, I just found him to be no help. His favourite words were "You looked happy in grade nine, you always look happy in the hall way when I see you" and I just want to stand up and yell at him "Did you know that in grade 9 I brought a whole bottle of pills (big ass one) to school and downed the thing in hopes of dying from a crappy Tylenol overdose, or I would cover my wrist with armbands and refuse to take them off, or I wouldn't take gym/or wear shorts for the longest time because I had 'I HATE YOU' etched into my leg"

On some days maybe a day later or 3-4 days later I would be fine and 'happy' I would laugh at stuff, but later when I thought about it I didn't know why I was laughing,I was just completely uninterested, and didn't know why I bothered no one would notice if I just disappeared from school one day expect Mike (boyfriend/best friend).

So my question is, do you think this should be checked out by my Family Doctor, I mean sometimes I think I'm a hypochondriac.
A long time ago before I was active I thought I could be pregnant, I thought I could have things that I showed no sign of. But this I feel strongly about because, I don't know it just doesn't feel like the normal Teen Blues.
When I get angry(weather it be at myself, a person, a video game) I literally beat myself up, I hit, punch, bite and pull my hair/self harm. So I just want to know if I'm thinking right or if this is all in my head. That's how I feel sometimes. I mean words could never sum up my experience, I'm hoping this is good for now.

I guess I'm just scared of being rejected, which is normal for me (a couple years ago I was suppose to meet up with my friend and I guess we got mixed signals and I waited for her at the mall by our bus stop for 10 minutes then I started freaking out and by the time she got there I had broke down and was out of it. Mind you right before she got there I calmed myself down enough to look normal. It felt like it took her 5 hours to find me when it was only like 1-2 hours.)
Also wanted to let you guys know, me posting how I feel doesn't help, never has I tried it before at KidsHelpPhone.

I don't know what to do, sometimes I feel like it's something important other times it feels like I'm complaining or I'm just exaggerating.
(I wasn't sure where this post should go so I put it here even though it has a couple other subjects it could go under. Feel free to movie it to a more appropriate placement)

-LoveMeNot
Title Song: S.O.S by Good Charlotte


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This an't our fairy tail.
I'm gonna find someone someday
Who might actually treat me well

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
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Re: I'm Lost and I Can't Make It On My Own - August 30th 2009, 01:28 PM

Hey there, Shelly!

I'm sorry for the late reply, and that you think that posting here won't help you. I think it was still worth a try, and I feel as though sometimes, just posting how we're feeling and knowing that there is someone out there who is listening and who cares about us.

I do think you should get it checked out by your doctor. If it's not something that's in his or her area of expertise, I can assure you that he or she will send you to someone who will be able to properly diagnose you and get you doing whatever it is you need to be doing in order to start heading on the path to recovery. [: You just have to take the first step, and I feel like, though it will be a very difficult path to recovery, once you feel like you're "there," it's going to be so worth it!

I'm sorry I can't offer you more than this. Please realize that you're important, that I don't think you're writing what you've written just for attention, and that you really would feel better if you decided to seek help. I hope that you're able to hang in there and that you're feeling a little bit better from the other day.

If you ever need me, I hope that you know where to find me.



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
KoKoEm Offline
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Re: I'm Lost and I Can't Make It On My Own - August 30th 2009, 03:20 PM

Shelly,
I have to say first that I'm proud of you for realizing on your own that you may need help. That takes a lot.
I would recommend going to your doctor and mention how your feeling and what's going on. You don't even have to mention the SH if you don't want to. If your doctor thinks that it might be Depression or something similar, s/he might send you to a counselor that s/he thinks will help you. If you do go to one, give them a try and ease into talking things out with them. It took me a few years before I really started talking to mine. Actually, a lot of times, I'd sit quietly and barely answer questions I was asked, which a lot say that's okay and that it will just take you some time. Eventually, you will get comfortable enough to mention your SH and if not, I'd recommend going to another counselor until you feel comfortable with one.
If you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to send me a PM.
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