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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jaymayne1168 Offline
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my lifelong disorder finally diagnosed.. - September 23rd 2009, 04:32 AM

ok so i really dont know where to start, its kinda hard accepting there is something sereously wrong with your upbringing. it angers me, upsets me, my "emotions" are churning at the moment. its attachment disorder. mostly common in adopted children, i have found that i fit the profile exactly. i learned about it in one of my college classes today actually. ive always known something was wrong but could never pinpoint the cause. basically i never came to love my parents when i was very young, and never learned the basic function of emotion and love. throughout my entire life its just been the imitation of it to get what i wanted, from my parents and from others whether it be friendship or relationships. reflecting back now i really have cared for few people, and have been betrayed by those people as well only furthering my distrust in humans and disliking of emotions. im approaching 21 now and although me and my parents get along fine i really dont know the bulk of them. i question their marriage, and i am pretty sure i dont even like the person that my mom is. not just saying that because i "dont know her" but i see how she is, i have spoken with her friends and i wonder if i should have even trusted her in the beggining anyways. so if the cure is connecting with my parents then im not even sure i want to, with my mom anyways. i mean how am i supposed to take back all those years of hate i had twards them. all thats happened over the years is that ive learned to deal with them being obstacles in my way of doing what i want. they do not know how i feel. i guess the reason its hit me all so hard today is because i used to be addicted to pain killers, and so when i was on them would be the only time i could actually feel for anyone. now im clean from them and i guess the supressed "emotions" are coming out or something idkkkkkkkkkk i wonder if anyone is even going to read this far down, honestly im partially doing it just for my own venting. i would have vented earlier when i was trying to cry but i didnt want to alert my mom in thee next room over of my feelings because i just found out about this disorder and its late, so how can i expect her understand it all. it could possibly be my fault partially because i pushed them away for so long, but attachment as i have learned begins in the early years of life, and my rebellion came a little later, so maybe it was because of some sort of parenting default of hers/theirs that lead to this SHITTY cognitive state that im experiencing now. im a smart person, but this is now getting in the way of my everyday life,as communicating with others is "changing" because i dont know how to or am just afraid of connecting with people. honestly i would love to love someone, but find it hard to trust people. i feel like i would have to find someone as fucked up as me in the same way and we could cry together about together. honestly that would make me feel better. so what to do. i mean i can go see a mental health professional but i dont want to get addicted to any pills. and its just wierd going to them anyways i mean yes its good to get it all off your mind but in the same sense your just paying them to listen to you and give you advice that you could find for free other places. unless i knew that they werent in it for the money and genuinly cared about what the hell was going on in my head. it just really sucks because i have lead a good life(ups and downs considered) and now when i thought things were on the right track, the train has derailed and the servicemen did not get the call. im just about to get my AA and waiting on a response for my xfter to a university i mean there is that in my life going well but my social relations, which have been great until recently, is declining. i feel my inability to connect with others because of my lack of trust in them is impedding my life. i WANT to connect so badly with someone like me, just to see what its like. if anyone has made it this far i congratulate you and appreciate it for whatever reason i should. if not, then i typed for myself and i guess i kinda feel a little better at least having my fingers tell the small fraction of this huge story. is there anybody out there that can relate to me...
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forfrosne Offline
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Re: my lifelong disorder finally diagnosed.. - September 23rd 2009, 06:52 AM

Aw I know it must be really hard for you.
What you have to do is just basically, find someone who is kind towards you.
From there, you can further your trust, and then hopefully, your love.
Hope I helped
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Re: my lifelong disorder finally diagnosed.. - September 27th 2009, 12:18 AM

Hang in there. This sounds like a tough thing to be going through. I can relate with you on the point where you can't trust people - I am like that also. I would say to just take someone, maybe someone you already know and try to get to know them better. I'd start with small things, like their favorites and work up from there. Good luck If you need someone to talk to my PM box and EMail are always open.

I'm a saint, and I'm a sinner.
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I am steady, and unstable.
I am young, but I am able.
Who I am - Jessica Andrews

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nobody123 Offline
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Re: my lifelong disorder finally diagnosed.. - September 27th 2009, 05:03 AM

I'm so sorry. I can relate. You are not alone. PM me.
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diagnosed, disorder, finally, lifelong

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