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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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SpaceSailor Offline
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My Mum is in Denial of her Personality Disorder - September 30th 2009, 12:55 AM

Hey, I know this is long, but it would mean so much to me if at least a handful of people could put aside 5 mins to read about my problem and help me by giving me some advise. Thanks in advance.

My mum and my dad have just recently separated. My mum is living in the 'big house' with my younger brother and sister, and my dad and I are living in a small apartment.

I am quite glad that they are getting a divorce because I was living 'homeless' for a few months (couch surfing and in youth refuges) for a while because I found it very hard to be around my mum. Problems between my mum and I became very clear when I was about 12 (I am now 16, turning 17 in Jan). My dad gave me the explanation that my mum suffered from 'anxiety' and 'depression', in an attempt to try and help me accept my mum, and I suppose to give me a reason that I could understand and comprehend why she is who she is.

Two doctors (one a gp, the other a psych) have both confirmed to my dad and I that my mum has some sort of a personality disorder, but they could not tell us much more, because even with the small amount of information they gave us, it could lead them into big trouble with the law for breaking the code of confidentiality between client and patient. They are two doctors out of the many that me, my mum, and dad have seen to help sort out our family problems. They decided to give my dad and I an insight to what was really going on in my mums mind, because they thought this information would be beneficial to both of us in moving on and recovering from our 'series of unfortunate events'.

The problem is that every doctor or shrink (or anyone for that matter [including my dad and myself]) who identifies my mum as the main cause of our family problems, gets verbally abused and ignored by her. People who side with her and support her are people who don't really know her that well... yet they are (in her mind at least) her closest friends.

She denies that she has any form of mental illness, and constantly says (or more so shouts with eyes wide and sick with madness) "I am not crazy!" when my dad and I, or anyone tries to bring up the topic.

My mum is a bitch - there is no other way to put it - she is mentally ill (and I think she knows it) yet she does nothing to improve her condition.
My mum has blamed me for my parents separation, and then my dad, and she tells my brother and sister, as well as her friends that it is basically anyone but her fault that her and my dad are separating.

Recently my mum told me that I can not have a relationship with her if I decide to live and spend any time with my dad. When she realized I would easily choose my dad over her, she went into straight denial in saying anything of the sort. She has also been telling people (both friends and people who she pays her bills to so she can get discounts) that my dad is dead (when he is alive and well and munching on a bright red apple as I type this). Then I decided to have dinner with her about two weeks ago and everything seemed fine and happy at first, but towards the end of our dinner she started telling me that dad has brainwashed me and taken me away from her, and that we could be living together so happily without him. This got me so mad, I told her very clearly that we (my mum and I) have problems in the relationship we have, and that I will not see her again unless she comes see's my psych (I am seeing a psych because I am on medication for depression) on the monday I was going to see her, so we could begin to sort our problems out. She then started screaming and basically saying "everyone is against me! I'm not going to see any kind of doctor because you will brainwash them and warp all this information so they think I'm crazy."

The whole reason as to why I am typing this is, I thought that if my dad moved out (as well as me) my mum would wake up and realize that there is a problem and get some help... but she hasn't. My psych says that people with personality disorders can not change unless they are willing to change themselves... and my mum is not so I shouldn't get my hopes up.

I dunno. All I really want is a mum. I never know what mood my mum is going to be in.. if she is going to be happy and delightful, or silent and unwilling to talk, or nosey and over inquisitive about my life, or angry and absolutely screaming about how the problems in her life are everyone but her fault. It feels like I lost my mum when I was 12 and started having problems with her. Seeing my mum effects me negatively, and not seeing her does the same thing too.

Now I am not sure what I should do. Can someone give me some advise? Should I keep a relationship with her? I don't know Lifes hard. lol. ehjklahdsgj.
   
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Re: My Mum is in Denial of her Personality Disorder - October 10th 2009, 07:05 AM

..Geeze. Maybe i should have titled this "I'm going to slit my wrists tonight". It probably would have got more responses.
   
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Re: My Mum is in Denial of her Personality Disorder - October 10th 2009, 10:00 PM

Sorry, it took me awhile to get here. The last couple days I have been just skimming topics because I've been busy.

One thing is without knowing what kind of personality disorder she has, it's hard to say much about it. Just from what you've said, it sounds like either Narcissistic or Histrionic, moreso Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with some tendencies of Paranoid Personality Disorder (NOTE: I am NOT, I repeat NOT diagnosing, and I am not licensed to do so.).

Now, if I were in the situation (I had somewhat of a similar problem with a close friend recently), I would back off for awhile, but not completely cut off contact. Some time "apart" will help you, and possibly her, to gather your thoughts, calm down, and just settle down in general. However, you know the situation much better than I ever could, so my best advice would be to go with what your heart says.
   
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Re: My Mum is in Denial of her Personality Disorder - October 11th 2009, 09:25 PM

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I wish I could tell you what the right thing to do is, but honestly I don't think there is a "right" thing. It sounds like your mother is not going to change anytime soon, and it's possible (though I hope not) that she may never change. Do you really want to wait around forever for her to change before you see her? Think about it from the future's perspective too. Are you going to regret it later if you don't try to maintain a relationship with her? Some other things to consdier are, do you think she really cares about you deep down inside? will it hurt her to not see you? And do your siblings still see her? will it hurt them if you aren't seeing your mother?

There is no right answer though, just remember that. You have to do what you are comfortable with. Bruce made a good point about giving it some time. I think the therapy will help you learn not to let your mother's actions bother you so much. That way you can see your mother but it won't be as hard.

Best of Luck! I hope everything works out okay. If you need anything, feel free to pm me.


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Drop a pm in my box if you ever need anything. I'll always do my best to help! <3
   
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