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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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touch Offline
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Gender: Female

Posts: 8
Join Date: October 11th 2009

Too much bullshit... - October 17th 2009, 04:37 AM

I'm certified to my house, I don't know how long I'll be certified for, it could be 6 months for all I know, and that frightens me. I know I'm very intelligent, I'm smart enough to get out of this situation I'm in, but I don't know what it is. If I could look at my life without fear, which is clouding me and putting me in a daze, I'm sure I could find a way to solve my problems, maybe not to a complete extent, but to at least have a self-fufilling life. If I leave the house without permission the cops have the right to lock me up in a psych ward, to lock me up in a cage.

I'm suffering, I have been suffering for years and years, why can't this stop? Why can't I just be decertified, free, and finally get my life started? When I was in the psych ward several weeks ago, I signed up for a review panel, and lost. I'm being forced to take antipsychotics which I'm scared are going to make me feel emotionless, I think right now I'm not under the influence of them because I got an IM which I think was over two weeks ago. I want to run away right now but if I did that I'd stop taking my meds, and if I sign up for a review panel any time in the future it'll look bad if they find out I've stopped taking medication I've been prescribed without asking a psychiatrist first. I don't want to be locked up in my house. I want to be free. Just about everyone in the world seems to like me and want to support me, so if I was free I wouldn't have a problem getting friends, affection and a life that I'd actually want to be living. I've been (mis)diagnosed with schizophrenia before, and people have tried to use that as an excuse to lock me up in a psych ward, and I think will keep doing so. It's hard to type all this, everything feels so dead, empty and hopeless. I don't want this. I want to go back to living in my fantasy world where I'm not trapped, chained up to all this bullshit.

I hate having to deal with the cops. I wish I could stand up for myself against them, I really do, but when I'm right there in the moment, I can't help it. I fall to pieces. Their empty, soulless energy crushes me. I'm such a pussy. The time I need to assert myself most, is also the hardest.

I wish my spirit could slip outside my body so I could finally walk free down the streets. I'm a psychic, usually when I get picked up by the cops or the crazy bitch finds me I get a sense that it's going to happen. But I was picked up twice by the cops in the last week with no warnings, which brought my hopes down. I have to learn to lay down in my intuition, I really have nothing and no one else I can rely on.

My mother's mentally unstable, whenever I leave the house she panics and can't stop thinking about finding me. No one's bothering to protect me from her, no one cares. Why am I the one people are accusing of being crazy? Did I do something wrong in a past life to deserve this? I just want to feel like my life is actually worth living. I hate typing up all this bullshit, in order to do so I have to exit my fantasy world, and the doors become locked. I really want to exit it and get my life going, but I'm so cold, helpless and alone out here, I can't help but long to get back inside.

I pray a lot, I don't know what I'm praying to though, probably mostly to wood nymphs and ghosts. I remember once in the psych ward while I was laying in my bed at night I was praying and I started to pick up a stench, I don't remember what it smelled like but I remember it was pretty nasty, and I saw a white light through my closed eyes, as if you were to lay down in a dark room with your eyes closed and someone flashed a flashlight over your eyes. Then I got freaked out and turned my light on. I think (and by that I mean I hope) it was a ghost communicating with me.

I always pray, I don't necessarily know what I'm praying to but it's just to scrape out the little hope I have for myself and hope it'll fill up my starving tummy. I can sense deep inside me I don't deserve this. I've already been through enough. Spiritual entities are attracted to me, but why aren't they helping me out? Or maybe they are doing something beneficial for me, and I'm just being pessimistic and doubting it in fear I'll just be crushed by never getting the support from them I was so confident I would. I'm extending my arms, longing for a higher spiritual entities warm, protective embrace, I'm terrified that I'll never feel the embrace I can envision so alleviating to my distressed heart. All I can do is imagine it.

Or maybe all this bullshit really is in my hands, I have the power to turn this around, I just don't know how.

So I just want you guys to give me advice here.

Last edited by WashoutThePain; October 17th 2009 at 02:47 PM. Reason: Moving to Mental Health =]
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