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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
charismatic21 Offline
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Future Murderer?? - November 1st 2009, 11:21 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I think too hard. And I care too much. Some people say that caring is one of my greatest qualities, but really, I care TOO MUCH. So when I love, I love too hard. And when I care, I get the other person to REALLY trust me, and they end up telling me things I absolutely do not want to know.
Over the summer I got really close with one of my guy friends. Sometime in July he thanked me for always being there for him and never asking for anything back. Later that night he started flirting, and an hour later he told me he loved me, told me I was perfect, begged me to give him a chance to show him how good he could be to me.. He told me he loved me in such a nice way. But I told him I couldnt, I told him I'd disappoint him. He told me I couldnt disappoint him, since he had no expectations. He asked me to let him talk to me romantically for the rest of the night, because he loved talking to me that way, and tomorrow we'd forget all about it. So I let him.
I couldnt forget it of course. And neither could he. Me? I thought that was going to be the greatest shock that I would get from him, telling me he loved me. But wow was I ever wrong.
Once school started we got back to our usual routine of hanging out with our mutual best friends. Dani and I grew even closer, talked more and more every day. One night he called me at 3 AM freaked out and breathless absolutely panicking just telling me to talk to him. I asked him what was wrong, and he said there was something grabbing his leg. I asked him what was it and he just told me to talk to him. So I tried to, until he finally calmed down ages later and went back to sleep.
About a week after that incident we were in Drama class and ended up partnered together for a Trust Activity we were doing. The teacher told us to tell each other one of our worst fears, or something we were ashamed of. So I told him I had an embarrassing fear of needles. He smiled. Asked me, "When do you freak out, when you see the needle?" and I said yes. So he says, "You see it. You have no doubt it's there, that it actually physically exists?"
and i tell him yeah, of course. i mean it IS right in front of me. Your turn.
Then he says imagine if..you were absolutely terrified of something that wasnt even real.
and i say what..??
and he says screaming like a little girl, covered in cold sweat and waking up your entire family begging them to get it away from you..
and i tell him get what away from you dani ?
and he says, "Nothing."
I tell him I dont understand
He says, "Nothing. Nothing real, anyway."
Finally it hits me.
"Dani you have hallucinations?"
"One way of putting it."
"I'm so sorry."
"Dont be, it's nothing. Literally."
That was the 2nd shock. The fact that he hallucinates. He later told me that he had been hallucinating since hes been 11, and he stopped taking his medication this summer, trying to test himself, to see if he could fight them. Im worried he'll lose it, I want him to go back to the medication but I cant bring myself to tell him.
A few weeks later he texts me at night while I was doing my homework and tells me we need to talk. Immediately I get defensive--which I felt guilty about later--and assumed it was something about us. I ask him what about? And he says I'll call u in a few minutes. So he did.
And he tells me he was just wrestling with his little brother, nothing new. Tells me he was winning, because he put a pillow over his brother's face and held it there. He tells me a few seconds later he didnt wanna let go, even though he knew his brother couldnt breathe. It made him happy. At this point I am panicking, I ask him what happened to his brother. He told me nothing happened, I realised I was being silly and I let go...but I wanted to kill him. I wasnt even angry, I was happy.
I try to tell him hes fine, I try to tell him (and myself) that he is perfectly fine, that we all want to kill our little brothers and sisters sometimes. I am trying to convince him as hard as I am trying to convince myself. Then I stop, because he interrupts me and tells me, "Sometimes I daydream about cutting Joseph's throat." One of our best friends. His lifelong friend. At this point I cannot breathe, and dont answer him. For a moment he is quiet, then tells me forget I told you anything, I'll see you in school tomorrow, and hangs up. I cry because it is so sad. He daydreams about cutting our best friend's throat. Not because he hates him--he loves him to death. Not because hes angry with him. But because it would make him HAPPY.
Now everytime I sit with them, I have to pretend Im not wondering what Dani's thinking about. Everytime I sit with him alone, I struggle not to wonder if hes thinking of cutting my throat.
He would never hurt someone. But he confided in me and told me he has the desire to. He told me he has the strength to stop himself. They are merely fantasies that he indulges in.
But everytime he touches me, I picture his face on the front page of a newspaper, picture journalists interviewing me, asking me if I ever saw it coming, my best friend who was in love with me, killing people. I'd say no, he was the sweetest most gentle person ever. And they'd say but he killed someone. What would I say then?
He has a problem. It is true he talks to me about it, but almost always asks me to forget I told him. He comes to me because he needs to unload. But he doesnt let me bring it up again; hes moody and easily hurt and could take any poorly chosen word the wrong way.
What do I do? I love my friends..flaws and all. But he has murderous tendencies...I have a feeling thats more than just a flaw.
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Re: Future Murderer?? - November 2nd 2009, 02:45 AM

I have a friend..my boyfriend actually, who is the same way.
Your friend Dani has Sociopathic tendencies which probably come from a disorder called Schizophrenia. A Schizophrenic hears voices and sees things that aren't there. Some might ask him to do things while others may just talk. Either way, we know they aren't there. A sociopath is someone who...regards other humans as simply toys. They try to manipulate and get what they want in a sly way.

Dani is VERY lucky to have a caring and trusting friend like you. But i think you need to come out to Dani and tell him you're worried. Tell him that you can't just forget something like that. He may be upset with you, but this isn't the type of situation that can just be put aside. Tell a school counselor or his parents. Or maybe even your parents. Tell them how concerned you are. Let Dani know that you will always be his confiding rock, but sometimes, problems are beyond what you can handle.

It'll be hard girl. But You'll be saving your friend from himself. I'm really proud of you for being such a strong person.
I hope this helps. [:
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